How I feel

Healing light

Registrant
I'm writing and keeping this real
Trying to convey how I really feel
Trying to express the pain within
I don't even know where to begin

I feel the burning humiliation
While I'm trying to find an explanation
For my infidelity
Why would I ruin my family

Im so frustrated
With feeling emasculated
Carrying everyone else's shame
They brought to our family name

I'm struggle with the voices that berate me
Your a nobody
Shut up you pussy
Your such a hussy


What you crying for you asked for it
Vicious words people spit
There in there under your skin
Pulling you apart from within

So I sit feeling alone
The child inside wants to go home
A home that doesn't exist
Destroyed by all of this
 
So I sit feeling alone
The child inside wants to go home
A home that doesn't exist
Destroyed by all of this
So true for me. This is the saddest part of my life. It is at times more painful than the abuse. The feeling of being abandoned and unwanted. So sorry that this happened to you and so many of us here.
Wishing you peace and healing.
 

Healing light

Registrant
So true for me. This is the saddest part of my life. It is at times more painful than the abuse. The feeling of being abandoned and unwanted. So sorry that this happened to you and so many of us here.
Wishing you peace and healing.
I'm so sorry for what you have faced , the ripple effect is awful so hard to face
A few things I find very hard one of them being the effect on my youngest siblings ( both adults now ) who grew up in a non abusive household ( my father died and my mother distanced herself from paternal family). My youngest sister now has to have pills for anxiety she knows very little about the abuse and can't comprehend that what she does know and now finds it hard to go out in the world she never realised people was so evil that's hard and that hurts
I grew up on my grandfather's land with my extended family unit I'm no longer welcome there since my grandfather passed away some years back , they want to sweep what happened under the carpet , they say I'm mentally ill , exaggerating etc , in supporting me my siblings have suffered the same fate of being cut off from the extended family my elder brother and his wife had to move there children and lost there jobs I'm aware I'm one of the lucky people I have 7 siblings they all walk with me in this I have older niece and nephew who equally accept why there lives changed so dramatically and are actually thankful I wanted to protect them and there siblings and potentially there children in time to come there graceful but I feel bad for them taken from everything they knew over night with no warning.
There's so much it would be easier to say what hasn't changed since I disclosed to the police
I might miss something's but I don't regret telling my truth there's not a big enough carpet to sweep it under
After all the years I carried it I will never forget the moment I realised I had to talk everything I was depended on it and it was the moment my cousin she asked me if I thought her son's disclosure that day was truthful. I was never going to sail that child up a river with no oars or rudders how could I . But equally I was in awe of his bravery in fear of what it meant for us all I didn't have the words that took a few long nights some soul searching before walking in the police station knowing everything would change
See I was always going to be cast out I knew it , see I never really fitted in , " he's his mother's child " my paternal family would say especially my grandmother that was the answer to me having emotions , my looks like I remember an aunt washing me and another saying don't scrub him too hard you will make him white then we will be in trouble with his mammy I was like 4/5 it were the first time I really looked at there skin and mine at times in my life I wanted desperately to fit in , in family.
My father pulled no punches straight up told me he was unimpressed when I was born , I didn't impress the man at all tried to sometimes other times I tryed to stay out his way
Iv gone on a bit now
But I identify with what you have said and appreciate your post
Wishing you peace and healing too

HL
 
My father pulled no punches straight up told me he was unimpressed when I was born
This is the foundation of abuse. It not exactly what my mom has said through out my life when I was a child and young adult “I wish I never had you”. Why? What did I do? I wasn’t her perfect child, a curio figurine that was broken. I was lazy, good for nothing, defective, fat when I wasn’t and became. I know that’s all BS now but it has left its deep scars and so much pain. I never had a mother that loved me for me unconditionally. I was loved if I was perfect and the peasant and serf if I wasn’t. A diet of hate and abandonment that’s what I grew up on. She is a self centered bitch!!!

I should have said this first though. My heart goes out to you. I can never understand the hate that there is in this world. The suffering that is caused by mans own hand. The suffering that man causes to others. My only understanding is that evil has taken over expect for a few angels that live among us. Angels of flesh and blood, true angels.
Thank you for being an angel of light.
 

Healing light

Registrant
This is the foundation of abuse. It not exactly what my mom has said through out my life when I was a child and young adult “I wish I never had you”. Why? What did I do? I wasn’t her perfect child, a curio figurine that was broken. I was lazy, good for nothing, defective, fat when I wasn’t and became. I know that’s all BS now but it has left its deep scars and so much pain. I never had a mother that loved me for me unconditionally. I was loved if I was perfect and the peasant and serf if I wasn’t. A diet of hate and abandonment that’s what I grew up on. She is a self centered bitch!!!

I should have said this first though. My heart goes out to you. I can never understand the hate that there is in this world. The suffering that is caused by mans own hand. The suffering that man causes to others. My only understanding is that evil has taken over expect for a few angels that live among us. Angels of flesh and blood, true angels.
Thank you for being an angel of light.
Thanks you
The abandonment is extremely impactive I have found , sorry that you faced this. My heart genuinely feels for you guys here

My father was self centered also. I carried alot of feelings about him alot of years I'm trying to let it all go serves me no purpose only continues to hurt as I'm sure you understand
There are angels on earth I'm not sure I'm one but , at least I'm not one of the evil people that roam it either
Peace and healing
HL
 
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