How far does this go?

How far does this go?
Dewey2k

Dewey2k

For those of you who haven't met me, I'm Dewey. I'm 33 and married, but my wife and I have decided to separate. We are each others best friends and we love each other, but the fact remains that I'm gay and there is nothing that will change that.

I was molested at age 10, and one of the after effects was that I completely suppressed my sexuality, or more accurately, I could not put the pieces together that would tell anyone else what I am.

We got married in 1996, and I had an emotional breakdown in 2000 that opened the door and finally let me put things together. My wide figured it out about 18 months later and was unable to cope, turning to prescription drugs to dull the pain, and is currently in recovery.

It seems like every time I turn around I find something else that would be different if that bastard had not molested me. It's like my whole life is a sham.

If he hadn't touched me, I would have known I was gay, and I wouldn't have married. I wouldn't have my kids either, and it feels pretty shitty to think that way.

How many things am I going to find in my life that are fucked up because of what he did?
 
Brother Dewey;

I got up early as usual here in the farm country.

Read your words twice then again......

What a long road for me as I am older but
your youth and insight seem to be way above most
although I suspect you are a bit down sometimes.

Trust, you are young and will find answers and
I suspect more and that you still love is a sign you are on a good path. Vaya Con Dios, Amigo

Joe
 
Dewey,

I have gone through the "what if" stage, and I think that for me it was an inevitable part of my recovery. Why? Because in order to see a way forward you have to know where you are. You realize suddenly that you have to be honest with yourself, that continuing to play mind games will just keep you in the trap of living a lie.

Going through the "what if" stage is a part of that process of coming to terms with what happened to you. I think it is important because eventually one sees that even without the horror of SA one can always ask "what if". The possible questions are endless, and so are the answers. What is important is to realize that when every question is possible and each has a million answers, it is pointless to keep asking. The truth is that we will never know what might have happened if certain events had been changed. What we finally realize is that here we are, in 2005, with this or that background behind us and a life that has followed a certain course so far. The real questions are things like these: What can I do now? What should I do now? What are my responsibilities and options? What resources do I have available to me? What are my strong points?

The views of others here may differ, and I am certainly not saying that we should ignore our past. But I think we need to look at our past clearly and honestly with the aim of discovering who and where we are and what our possibilities are for our future. Going through the "what if" stage just teaches us that we will never know. We have to ask different questions.

Take care,
Larry
 
Thank you for your encouragement, Joe.

Larry, the "what ifs" above and your comments about the "what if" game I understand.

What I was trying to ask is, and no one can answer this for me, how many facets of my current life have been shaped or destroyed by what was done to me, and/or what have the effects been?

For example, what are all the triggers I have? I know what a few are, but am I going to keep finding new triggers for the rest of my life? Am I going to turn around one day and freeze because of something someone says or does that reminds me of what happened, or smell something that instantly places me in that house?

I'm not sure this is making sense.
 
Dewey,

I am afraid no one can answer the question of how your life has been affected by what was done to you. The basic answer is that, for all of us, our lives are decisively affected by things that happen to us. But we just don't know where we might have ended if it had not been for what our abusers did.

But we can say that about lots of things. For example, in university I was an aerospace engineering student and was mightily pissed off one term when my advisor told me I had to take an elective in the humanities. So off I went and discovered the world of history and the culture of the Middle East. And here I am now because of that, teaching Arabic language and things like Middle Eastern poetry, literature, philosophy, history, and so on. What would have happened if I had not taken that fantastic course? I have no idea.

On triggers, well, Howard is a therapist and he should answer that one. But no, I don't think you will keep discovering new ones endlessly. I can just say that I know what mine are, and after awhile I learned how to avoid them and limit the way they affect me. As my recovery proceeds, I am hopeful that I will learn how to keep them from harming or frightening me altogether. I cannot say I KNOW that will happen, because my recovery has not advanced that far. I take it on trust from guys here whom I trust and who are further along the way to recovery than I am.

Your post reflects a very normal worry about how much worse it gets before things begin to improve. Dealing with SA is a tricky business, that's for sure, and there will be great days and others that absolutely suck. But things DO get better. The great thing about this community is that there are so many guys here who will know exactly how you feel and will help you to understand what is happening and how you are doing.

Hope this helps, and take care Dewey.

Larry
 
Does anyone think it is helpful to make a list; to write it out? Might it in some way help to diminish their power?

Yes, I realize I'm charging hard into this. It's in my personality to tackle things head on.
 
Dewey,

I didn't start to face my sexuality until I was 54. I had married a wonderful woman, had two wonderful daughters and lived in fear that someone would find out about the 'real me' and I would suddenly lose everything.

My wife died a few years ago while I was going through some serious health issues of my own. The fact that I had already started down the road to recovery from the abuse (I was 11-13 y.o.) helped me through those dark times. I made up my mind that what others thought of me no longer mattered to me. I'm gay.

Some thing still bring up memories but they don't affect me as they used to. One of my favorite quotations is: "Acceptance is abandoning all hope of ever having a better past." The past is immutable, I can't change it. All that I can do is live today and hope for a better future, whatever that may be. Every thing that occurred to me shaped my life, whether good, bad or indifferent.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

PS I like your icon!
 
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