How do you trust someone

How do you trust someone
E

endlessjourney

Registrant
You've found yourself falling in love with this girl/significant other and all the sudden you feel week and out of control. You start to wonder, should I tell them or should I just keep my trap shut until she says something to me. Sometimes you wonder if its too early to mention it, or if your just being too chicken shit. Then it comes down to it, you don't tell her because you feel that she could destroy you once she knows you love her. She could manipulate you and put your heart in a blender. Everything you stand for and every self-concept you have of yourself is annihilated and the only thing you have to show for it is feeling like a worthless piece of shit! Feeling like you did when you were abused. Why trust anyone? Why not just go live in the mountains and forget about love. I sometimes think that maybe it would be better just to grow old and rot out than deal with this falling in love garbage. Now I want to tell someone how I feel about them and I feel that she will just reject me and add another little notch to my totum poll of feeling like a man that just doesn't add up. All of the friends and money in the world cannot heal that awful awful feeling. In all of my years being a CSA survivor, I have never felt so much pain as I have with this issue. Tonight I walked across campus with a pissed off "stay the hell outta my way look" because I'm pissed that someone I like didn't return my call. This really brings out the child in me. I'm 24 feeling like I'm 13 just starting to learn about dating. God I hate this! No matter how many times I try, I just can't seem to get it right. I can't be myself because I'm so scared to show myself and how I truly feel. Maybe thats why I've been so uptight lately. I sensed a vibe that this girl wanted me but now I sense a different vibe. Maybe I waited too long to make a move but thats just too bad, I just wasnt ready I guess.
 
Endless Journey,

You got it - you weren't ready! It really is as simple as that. But don't blame yourself bro. Becoming comfortable with the idea of dating is difficult for all guys, and if you are a survivor and have an issue here then it becomes all the more difficult. I remember the first few times I saw my future wife - my heart was pounding so hard I thought she must be wondering what's that noise! :)

Maybe a way forward bro is to be kind to yourself and only allow yourself to get into situations you can handle. Don't worry if you feel things are going too slow. You will know when you are ready. Don't feel you HAVE to tell a girl you love her if you are still fearful of the consequences. Just take little steps that you feel safe with. A sensitive woman will in fact like the idea of being with a man who isn't trying to rush her and is with her because he enjoys her company.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks Larry,

If it isn't obvious, this is my biggest issue. The very feelings that I had mentioned in the entry are the same ones that were the straw that broke the camels back when I went to confront one of my perps. First time I ever confronted anyone with regards to my abuse. A relationship went sour, I got mad. I realized who was to blame for most of my relationship issues, and I went after him. Not the greatest idea to confront in anger but seeing him back away from me and studder, and lie about what really happened, made me realize, now he was the scared one. A mistake I made was threatening his life. Unfortunately, the son of a bitch works at a boys home for boys with sexual disorders. Imagine that! The last place I would wont someone like that working. I told the supervisor there about what had happened to me and I wrote a police report up 'in detail' about what happened to me. That was horrible. I remember trembling and I remember the sheriff shaking my hand telling me how brave I was. For once in a long time, I was proud of myself. This marked the beginning of my quest to recovery. It was about 4 years ago but it feels like it was just yesterday.

Thanks for stickin by me man, you're usually the first one to reply to me. I've learned a lot.
 
Endlessjourney,

You'll tell someone you care for when your ready. Personally I couldn't imagine telling someone I was dating until at least 6 months, but that's just me.

I started to date someone recently who also hasn't returned my phone call. I feel like I'm 13 as well and very hurt. While feelings of rejection are normal in our situation we experience the situation differently because of the abuse. I'm trying to keep my mind off the situation and focus on work, chores, watching TV. When I begin to obsess about the situation ... yes, I get pissed and I know it leads to cursing and perhaps punching the wall. Hopefully it will work for both of us and we'll be in a relationship ... if not we'll keep looking. Why deal with falling in love, trusting and having a healthy relationship ... because it holds a huge key in us getting to a healthier place.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Born to resist and Endless Journey,

If I suddenly found myself back on "the scene" after 25 years, I think I too would feel like I was 13. But should we take that feeling as a judgment against ourself? It's okay to feel vulnerable when one is dating, because you ARE vulnerable. I don't think the feeling speaks against you at all; it just means you are caring and sensitive men aware of your own human frailties.

Much love,
Larry
 
Endlessjourney,

Haven't heard from you. Hope things are okay. As for me ... she just stopped returning my phone calls. Had a rough couple of days to process her out of mind. Things are back to same old and looking for a healthy relationship. Wishing you the best!

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
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