How do you tell loved ones about abuse?
How do you tell loved ones about abuse?
- Thread startersurvive75
- Start date
theo
Registrant
sean,
this is a tough one in many respects. i look back over my history of relationships and try to imagine what their response would have been to such a revelation. my soul mate of the past two years is really remarkable. others in my past would have had a great deal more difficulty in handling it. to give them credit, they would have tried, but what it boils down to in my experience is whether or not the significant other clearly has the maturity to hear such a thing. in my previous relationship, former marriage actually, she would have tried to be there for me, but with her own issues she would have a really difficult time in responding to all the issues that come up in this. bottom line, sean, trust your instincts.
this is a tough one in many respects. i look back over my history of relationships and try to imagine what their response would have been to such a revelation. my soul mate of the past two years is really remarkable. others in my past would have had a great deal more difficulty in handling it. to give them credit, they would have tried, but what it boils down to in my experience is whether or not the significant other clearly has the maturity to hear such a thing. in my previous relationship, former marriage actually, she would have tried to be there for me, but with her own issues she would have a really difficult time in responding to all the issues that come up in this. bottom line, sean, trust your instincts.
Sean, in my first date with my gf I told her a little bit about my past and she was very understanding. I knew then I could trust her, but I was still terrified of telling her about my SA, and I didnt for other 6 months and when I did, what I first told her was very limited, I was convinced that if she knew about it she would be disgusted at me and would leave me. Then one day I just told her everything and now she does know what happened to me and all the things I was so ashamed of doing while I was growing up. And she not only still stayed with me but we got much closer. I still don't completely understand how she can love me so much, but I do know that talking to her was the best thing I did.
You don't have to tell her everything all at once, you can begin to tell her part of it and let her get used to what you are saying, not dump it all at once... tell her as much as you feel comfortable with, but tell her. I realize now that if I did nothing I would have lost her. Working on my issues gave me a chance to have a life.
You don't have to tell her everything all at once, you can begin to tell her part of it and let her get used to what you are saying, not dump it all at once... tell her as much as you feel comfortable with, but tell her. I realize now that if I did nothing I would have lost her. Working on my issues gave me a chance to have a life.
I told my wife a little over a year ago, I suppose. Since I have become comfortable with it, and I have share it with a few more. Many cannot understand how something that happened so long ago can still affect me, but they tried to be supportive.
Just as in whymes case, it turned out my wife had her own admission. I knew she had lost her virginity at 13 to a much older man, 26. She had even commented on how he taught her what men like and how to please a man. I had always assumed it was consensual because that is how she talked about it, but it turns out he raped her. I suddenly felt like she understood me in ways few could. it really brought us closer.
I have since told my brother and best friend. Turns out this dude messed with my brother some, but he was too young to get erect, so the kid lost interest. I on the other hand was headed for two years of molesting. My best friend was lucky he never had anyone mess with him.
The point is when it isnt your fault, when you realize your were a victim, some of the stigma goes away. It becomes easier to tell because you no longer feel guilty for what happened, or ashamed of it. I was abused, a monster ate me up. It wasnt my fault, and I no longer act like it was. In fact I actually take pride in having overcome it.
deb's jeff
Just as in whymes case, it turned out my wife had her own admission. I knew she had lost her virginity at 13 to a much older man, 26. She had even commented on how he taught her what men like and how to please a man. I had always assumed it was consensual because that is how she talked about it, but it turns out he raped her. I suddenly felt like she understood me in ways few could. it really brought us closer.
I have since told my brother and best friend. Turns out this dude messed with my brother some, but he was too young to get erect, so the kid lost interest. I on the other hand was headed for two years of molesting. My best friend was lucky he never had anyone mess with him.
The point is when it isnt your fault, when you realize your were a victim, some of the stigma goes away. It becomes easier to tell because you no longer feel guilty for what happened, or ashamed of it. I was abused, a monster ate me up. It wasnt my fault, and I no longer act like it was. In fact I actually take pride in having overcome it.
deb's jeff
IrishKipley
Registrant
Sean
i actually went through what you are going through not that long ago. i decided that i was going to tell my g/f about my abuse. i was really aprehensive about the whole thing. ive never really told that many people about any part of the abuse and i kept feeling like she would judge me, think of me as sick, nasty.....but i just had a need to tell her. i felt like that was something that was really affecting our relationship and she deserved to know. i wish i had better advice to give, but all i can say is i think that it is a good idea. if you are in a serious relationship with someone, i think they deserve to know. my g/f was really stunned, shook up, but she said it really helped her understand where i was coming from a lot of the time. doing this really helped ME. i think that at first she did "mother" me a bit, but all in all it has been good for our relationship. if you decide to do this i would suggest plan a time when you are fairly certain there will be no interruptions and you can clearly express what you feel you need to. i needed to get it off my chest and luckily i had someone understanding to share it with. i will be sending you all my support in whatever decision you make.
Kip
i actually went through what you are going through not that long ago. i decided that i was going to tell my g/f about my abuse. i was really aprehensive about the whole thing. ive never really told that many people about any part of the abuse and i kept feeling like she would judge me, think of me as sick, nasty.....but i just had a need to tell her. i felt like that was something that was really affecting our relationship and she deserved to know. i wish i had better advice to give, but all i can say is i think that it is a good idea. if you are in a serious relationship with someone, i think they deserve to know. my g/f was really stunned, shook up, but she said it really helped her understand where i was coming from a lot of the time. doing this really helped ME. i think that at first she did "mother" me a bit, but all in all it has been good for our relationship. if you decide to do this i would suggest plan a time when you are fairly certain there will be no interruptions and you can clearly express what you feel you need to. i needed to get it off my chest and luckily i had someone understanding to share it with. i will be sending you all my support in whatever decision you make.
Kip
Sean i agree with WHY Me set the time
As for me a picked a sunny afternoon on our swing in the back yard. It was 21 years after we got married. That was a very moving time to have my wife say she loves me and understands. They was no way I could have dealt with all this bach in 1980 when we got married.
I know that it is a different world today and it would be a positive thing for any relationship to know early on . Muldoon
MM
You opened up and showed her the real great person within.
As for me a picked a sunny afternoon on our swing in the back yard. It was 21 years after we got married. That was a very moving time to have my wife say she loves me and understands. They was no way I could have dealt with all this bach in 1980 when we got married.
I know that it is a different world today and it would be a positive thing for any relationship to know early on . Muldoon
Sean, you have received such good advice from men who have in fact done what you are thinking of doing. It seems clear that you need to know the person well, already have a certain bond, you have to be comfortable with yourself, and she has to be someone you can trust cares for you to a good degree.
I have no experience in this at all.
So, what I would do is to try to think about the young lady and what questions she might have once you tell her:
1. Do you have an STD from this?
2. Are you going to become sexually abusive towards her?
3. Do you think you will want to have sex with a man or even a boy sometime? (very false myth)
4. Are you going to have good sex with her.
5. If you got married, would any children you have be safe?
6. Are you pretty much mentally ok now?
Maybe, a woman would not think like that. They are questions that I would want a young lady that I might love to ask her boyfriend, if they were feeling in love with each other and either were, or were thinking of, having intercourse.
Knowing answers you could give to such questions, will give you more self-confidence should you chose to tell her.
Several men here, and in other posts, have said that when the woman they love learns about the SA they act with great love and a certain protectiveness. I am not sure if you would want her to feel she wants to mother you or not. It could be kind of neat to a degree I would think.
I also have found that in telling a story to someone other than your therapist, a bare bones kind of explanation is all that was needed. "I was sexually molested as a kid--one man did it, about X time(s). It invovled both oral and anal sex." Why would one need to know more? I can't see that they would. Even that might be more than is needed at first. I would think that if you could talk about the news about boys being molested, and in this simply say that, that had happened to you, might be all someone can take who loves you.
Sean, I have boys for whom I was their spiritual mentor for three or four years. They were abused while studying at a high school I taught at. When I first heard of that I went into a profound sadness, I cried a lot and felt so helpless to be of any help to them. Eventually, several of them came to me, now several years after the abuse and talked to me about it. Sometimes, they told me some details of the abuse.
I listened. I think I acted appropriately. We cried, we got angry about it. We talked about how they were now. Then we mapped out a way for them to move along towards healing and feeling better about themselves.
There is still a part of me that hurts about that. I am happy that we can hug and they want me to hold them some. But, although I loved them as young men, I love and respect them all the more today. And incidentally, all of them are very happy and successful men. Some are married and have children. One is in a very loving relationship with his partner, that looks like it could be permanent.
My hunch is, that in most cases, if the girl you are speaking about really has come to care a lot about you--loves you, she will hurt for you, be angry at the abuser but most of all she will love you even more.
It is sad though, that such is not universal. Some men tell and the relationship gets strained and breaks.
Hopefully, the men here have given you what you need to decide IF you want to tell her, and if so, WHEN, and HOW.
Just remember Sean, no matter the reaction, you are a good man, a strong and couragesous man, a total man. You are a better person than men who have never had a really traumatic thing happen in their lives. Don't let a response that is hurtful at the time, lead you to think less of yourself or to see yourself as in some way a "damaged man." You are not damaged goods.
Proud to be your brother,
Bob
I have no experience in this at all.
So, what I would do is to try to think about the young lady and what questions she might have once you tell her:
1. Do you have an STD from this?
2. Are you going to become sexually abusive towards her?
3. Do you think you will want to have sex with a man or even a boy sometime? (very false myth)
4. Are you going to have good sex with her.
5. If you got married, would any children you have be safe?
6. Are you pretty much mentally ok now?
Maybe, a woman would not think like that. They are questions that I would want a young lady that I might love to ask her boyfriend, if they were feeling in love with each other and either were, or were thinking of, having intercourse.
Knowing answers you could give to such questions, will give you more self-confidence should you chose to tell her.
Several men here, and in other posts, have said that when the woman they love learns about the SA they act with great love and a certain protectiveness. I am not sure if you would want her to feel she wants to mother you or not. It could be kind of neat to a degree I would think.
I also have found that in telling a story to someone other than your therapist, a bare bones kind of explanation is all that was needed. "I was sexually molested as a kid--one man did it, about X time(s). It invovled both oral and anal sex." Why would one need to know more? I can't see that they would. Even that might be more than is needed at first. I would think that if you could talk about the news about boys being molested, and in this simply say that, that had happened to you, might be all someone can take who loves you.
Sean, I have boys for whom I was their spiritual mentor for three or four years. They were abused while studying at a high school I taught at. When I first heard of that I went into a profound sadness, I cried a lot and felt so helpless to be of any help to them. Eventually, several of them came to me, now several years after the abuse and talked to me about it. Sometimes, they told me some details of the abuse.
I listened. I think I acted appropriately. We cried, we got angry about it. We talked about how they were now. Then we mapped out a way for them to move along towards healing and feeling better about themselves.
There is still a part of me that hurts about that. I am happy that we can hug and they want me to hold them some. But, although I loved them as young men, I love and respect them all the more today. And incidentally, all of them are very happy and successful men. Some are married and have children. One is in a very loving relationship with his partner, that looks like it could be permanent.
My hunch is, that in most cases, if the girl you are speaking about really has come to care a lot about you--loves you, she will hurt for you, be angry at the abuser but most of all she will love you even more.
It is sad though, that such is not universal. Some men tell and the relationship gets strained and breaks.
Hopefully, the men here have given you what you need to decide IF you want to tell her, and if so, WHEN, and HOW.
Just remember Sean, no matter the reaction, you are a good man, a strong and couragesous man, a total man. You are a better person than men who have never had a really traumatic thing happen in their lives. Don't let a response that is hurtful at the time, lead you to think less of yourself or to see yourself as in some way a "damaged man." You are not damaged goods.
Proud to be your brother,
Bob
Sean
One night we were sitting having dinner, just an ordinary evening after work and I suddenly said- "when I was a boy I was sexually abused"
Why then ? I have no idea really. I had done some thinking and already seen an advert in the local paper for a counselling service for SA adult survivors. But I had no plan of how or when to disclose at all.
I think I'd just got to the point where it had to come out whatever the circumstances.
The result was a cold dinner, lots of hugs, and a change in both our lives for the better.
My timing was pretty good as well, it was just before our 25th wedding anniversary !
Some present eh ?
Dave
One night we were sitting having dinner, just an ordinary evening after work and I suddenly said- "when I was a boy I was sexually abused"
Why then ? I have no idea really. I had done some thinking and already seen an advert in the local paper for a counselling service for SA adult survivors. But I had no plan of how or when to disclose at all.
I think I'd just got to the point where it had to come out whatever the circumstances.
The result was a cold dinner, lots of hugs, and a change in both our lives for the better.
My timing was pretty good as well, it was just before our 25th wedding anniversary !
Some present eh ?
Dave
Hello, and know I wish you good luck.
When I told a very good female friend (maybe some kind of girlfriend), of what happen with me, I know I can not do it 'face to face'. I wrote her a letter, and even shared it with few people, to see if it is acceptable. I knew that if I could not actually talk to her of it, at least then I would have the letter, it was meant as 'back up' for me. I took her to dinner, and told her that I needed to talk with her, because I had been acting different for while. What I did, though, was to just give her letter, let her read that. And then we talk a little more of it after. I not tell her everything, and not tell her details of what happens. But, at least she knows, she understands more. She even went online here, she search out information of it, and of panic, flashbacks, all I go through, so she can better understand it, and help me through of it.
I do not know that this is best way for anyone other of me. But it is what worked for me, and helped me some mentally. I wish you good luck, in whatever it is you decide to do. Please take care.
leosha
When I told a very good female friend (maybe some kind of girlfriend), of what happen with me, I know I can not do it 'face to face'. I wrote her a letter, and even shared it with few people, to see if it is acceptable. I knew that if I could not actually talk to her of it, at least then I would have the letter, it was meant as 'back up' for me. I took her to dinner, and told her that I needed to talk with her, because I had been acting different for while. What I did, though, was to just give her letter, let her read that. And then we talk a little more of it after. I not tell her everything, and not tell her details of what happens. But, at least she knows, she understands more. She even went online here, she search out information of it, and of panic, flashbacks, all I go through, so she can better understand it, and help me through of it.
I do not know that this is best way for anyone other of me. But it is what worked for me, and helped me some mentally. I wish you good luck, in whatever it is you decide to do. Please take care.
leosha
Well, I've come out about a lot of things in the past couple years, and while they seemed painful and nerve wracking so many times (I remember shaking when I told an ex-girlfriend of mine and later my family), I can not tell you how gratifying it is to live my life again. It's like a "blessing in disguise" type of thing...it may seem horrendously tough now, but after the fact, it will make you 1,000 times stronger (even if not right away). I also must say that everyone has been very supportive (the only thing I would hasten to add is for your to perhaps say that you are working on it with this board or whatever so that they are not unnecessarily concerned about you--a tendency I sometimes find is for people to think this is a new problem they can solve simply because they just heard about it now).
As far as how to start...well, mine just sort of came out with my girlfiend and the same with family. If it will make things easier for you, I would write what you might want to say down. If you feel extremely uncomfortable, give it to them in a letter to read in front of you. Anyway, that's just a thought, and technically, congrats that you've come to that point where you would feel comfortable to tell her. I personally think that's a good marker for each of us in our overcoming our abuse (as we are no longer afraid to admit our past, and work on it with others as necessary).
As far as how to start...well, mine just sort of came out with my girlfiend and the same with family. If it will make things easier for you, I would write what you might want to say down. If you feel extremely uncomfortable, give it to them in a letter to read in front of you. Anyway, that's just a thought, and technically, congrats that you've come to that point where you would feel comfortable to tell her. I personally think that's a good marker for each of us in our overcoming our abuse (as we are no longer afraid to admit our past, and work on it with others as necessary).
Sean
Your post and the responses here tell the tale. It can be a very positive thing in many ways primarily since it is a relief for you to finally get the words out, claim victory over the prep, name the name etc.
The response to the person (s) being told may vary from "you queer bastard" to I am sorry you had this happen to you. This was my experience. I started to tell my wife of 35 years what had happened to me as a child about 10 years ago and never really dumped it all until the whole world fell apart, she asked me to leave after she found gay porn again on the computer. At the time I left, I had no idea how much abuse I had actually been exposed to, it took 3 years to finally say it all. When I did finally tell the story, she decided to divorce me. So, there you go, I had to ask myself why the hell did I ever say anything in the first place, I could have covered it up, I could have lived with it. In reality, no I couldn't. I have gotten some excellent help from the men here, from my T and support from my 3 terrific children who also know of the abuse.
No one wants to believe that this type of horror can happen to a child, surely it is all made up. You know better and so does everyone here, it does and did happen, for some of us it takes longer to get it out.
I wish you luck in your journey, there are indeed alot of rocks in the road, many of them hurt alot when stepped on. But, you can make it, I have, I finally have good true friends to talk too, that don't judge or give labels to what happened to me or what I did. I was 5 years old the first time I was abused, does that deserve a label, does that deserve a judgement that I am a "queer bastard" No, of course not what it deserves is a I am here with you, we can and will work this out, you are brave and courageous for coming forward. My best to you.
Bob
Your post and the responses here tell the tale. It can be a very positive thing in many ways primarily since it is a relief for you to finally get the words out, claim victory over the prep, name the name etc.
The response to the person (s) being told may vary from "you queer bastard" to I am sorry you had this happen to you. This was my experience. I started to tell my wife of 35 years what had happened to me as a child about 10 years ago and never really dumped it all until the whole world fell apart, she asked me to leave after she found gay porn again on the computer. At the time I left, I had no idea how much abuse I had actually been exposed to, it took 3 years to finally say it all. When I did finally tell the story, she decided to divorce me. So, there you go, I had to ask myself why the hell did I ever say anything in the first place, I could have covered it up, I could have lived with it. In reality, no I couldn't. I have gotten some excellent help from the men here, from my T and support from my 3 terrific children who also know of the abuse.
No one wants to believe that this type of horror can happen to a child, surely it is all made up. You know better and so does everyone here, it does and did happen, for some of us it takes longer to get it out.
I wish you luck in your journey, there are indeed alot of rocks in the road, many of them hurt alot when stepped on. But, you can make it, I have, I finally have good true friends to talk too, that don't judge or give labels to what happened to me or what I did. I was 5 years old the first time I was abused, does that deserve a label, does that deserve a judgement that I am a "queer bastard" No, of course not what it deserves is a I am here with you, we can and will work this out, you are brave and courageous for coming forward. My best to you.
Bob