How do you nurture yourself?

[igotsunshine]

I'm very new to this, and also at the same time I'm training as a counselor, so I learn about these things and yet am so disconeected from my own experience. My parents were not my abusers, but all those feelings of not being protected, abandoned and unloved are still felt acutely each day. I'm learning you have to mother and father yourself and still haven't figured out ways to do that. How does everyone else manage?

 

[Happenstance]

I was the same for a while myself; the person that finally got me to communicate about what happened and what was kept inside was the woman I now call my wife. I am relatively new to this site, and don't have much in the way of advise, as I chose to not even deal with what happened to me for a ten years. Made me a wreck by the time that woman took notice of me. I don't even know if you can ever completely heal from abuse. Some days it seems like there is no way in Hell I will ever get past it, but what helped my get thru initially was the world of literature. Books, books, books. At first, for me it was a matter of escaping to another world, another time, a different place. Fiction is one of mankind's greatest inventions.

Nowadays, I still read, and I write. I think everyone needs an outlet. But my parents? Have never reconciled with them, but I do not blame them outright, either. How old were you when "it" happened? How old are you now? Do you have a best friend or spouse? I will not be so hyprocritical to suggest seeing a counselor yourself, as I am only now looking into it myself. Surely you will receive messages advising you to do just that, but a way to get through it all on a daily basis? Sunshine, you are already doing it.

 

[igotsunshine]

Happ, I just have a feeling that the 1st instances were at 3 and 7, with this second one being pretty extreme. I'm not sure of this

at 10 and 12 I was already acting out sexually.

I'm 31 now, I've been in therapy for 12 years and was on medication from 19 to 26 as a supposed bipolar. I think psychiatry is pretty much for sh*t, all i needed was a great therapist.

I do have a best friend, spent the night there last night but he had to go away on business today. I'm home alone(though I dont want to be alone these days) but theres no other safe person around. I also feel like isolating myself.

I've also been obsesed with this since yesterday and I havent done anything else except read, cry, pace, talk to myself the past 24 hours. Maybe I need a break, but even then what else do I think about? I don't want to numb out with alcohol or drugs(I have pretty much resolved all my satellite self-sabotage issues- sex, drugs, alcohol, at least to the point that I use them to excess or engage in unsafe compulsive sex- without knowing I was abused. On the other hand I'm beyond tired and beyond drained

 

[Devon2BFree]

How to father yourself? This is a great question. I'm still learning how to do this. I'm learning that nurturing and "self-medication" with unhealthy behaviors is two different things. Nurturing...I have kids so sometimes when I want to "be my own daddy" I go to the park and play (I have a great cover because it looks like I have taken my kids to the park, when in fact, I just wanted to go.) My T suggested that I buy a big stuffed animal and when I'm alone and just want to be loved, I can hold the stuffed animal. He suggested that if I were concerned about the macho thing, buy a "macho" stuffed animal. The other day I scheduled a day off from work, while the wife and kids continued own with their own day. I had a "me" day. I had a late breakfast at my favorite "redneck" place (Waffle House) and then I went to the book store (and read without buying), I even got a manicure (this was a big step for me...I always wanted one but was too insecure about my masculinity to get one...the heck with other people...I wanted one and I "treated myself nicely.") I have made significant progess comming in to my adult self. My therapist did some sort of Rapid Eye Movement thing and I was able to go back to the abuse and place my adultself there. Now as an adult I addressed the little Devon that was there, the "adult me" addressed the perp as well. All of this is helping me realize I am an adult, I am my own protector (with God's help) and I am my own nurturer. I have looked for "love" and "nurturing" from the wrong people and under unhealthy circumstances before. I am beginning to feel in control, I am beginning to feel I am in a position to make choices...and somedays I make the choice to love me and treat me to something nice (and healthy). This may be easier for those of us who have children. Somedays I just sit and hold my kids (for no reason but to sit and love my kids). I benifit from this. There are still days HOWEVER, I long to be loved and held by a big strong man (NO SEX), but that's unlikely to happen. So I am my man, I am strong and I am learning to love me. I am also learning to slowly come out of isolation and make healthy friendships. I must love me first (not in a selfish way) so that I'm not desperate and unhealthy in seeking other relationships.