How do you know for sure?
roadrunner
Registrant
ftgf,
There seems to be something of a pattern that sometimes shows among the survivors who come here, or at least this is how I was and I have seen it frequently since then. Let me tell you my experience.
When I registered and began to post I was very nervous and fearful. But almost immediately I was thunderstruck: I wasn't alone in all this mess, and when I said something people believed me and supported me. It was exhilarating and I thought here we go. I would do this and that and whatever, and nothing was going to stop me.
It didn't work out that way. I still had so much to learn about who I am as a survivor, what all this has done to me, what it means to me, and what I needed to do in order to heal. I didn't appreciate, for example, that I have huge issues of guilt, that I would have to give up being a control freak, that I would have to relearn how to trust, or that I had lost or suppressed much of my ability to say how I really feel. All of this I would have to deal with through a cloud of depression and other crap.
I am not saying any of this fits you. I guess my point is that I gradually came to see that I can't do this alone. I needed the people in my life to be in my corner, and I needed professional help. The latter was a bitter pill to swallow; I had to admit I can't do this by myself and trust a stranger.
But mainly I realized that my present situation didn't develop in a day, or a week, or even a year. It built up through four years of constant abuse, then several years of fear and shame as an older teenager, then a period of extremely self-destructive entanglement with drugs and alcohol, and then decades of just refusing even to think about it. My problems had become deep-seated and very complicated.
I realized that recovery from all that couldn't be a goal that I would charge at with all my energy and knock flat. Recovery had to involve a fundamental change in my attitudes about a lot of things; it wasn't about setting a goal and fighting for it. To suffer, hurt, and endure the trauma all over again didn't mean I was getting anywhere. Pain wasn't necessarily gain. The key would be small steps and setting short-term goals, all under the guidance of a therapist who would know how to keep me safe.
I think that's the key. Small steps and one thing at a time. Forward, but in stages we can manage, and with people we trust. I think this takes a certain peace of mind, and I know I don't have that yet. You speak of resentment; I am still too bitter and angry. But I am working on that as well. I am sure there will be other things that come up unexpectedly and require my attention, but I will be okay with that, I think. I try to tell myself that I am on the right path, and that makes all the difference.
Hope this is of some help. I will be sending you good thoughts tomorrow. Just bear in mind that when you tell your wife, as soon as she gets what you are saying she will be thinking of the frightened child her husband was years ago.
Take care,
Larry
There seems to be something of a pattern that sometimes shows among the survivors who come here, or at least this is how I was and I have seen it frequently since then. Let me tell you my experience.
When I registered and began to post I was very nervous and fearful. But almost immediately I was thunderstruck: I wasn't alone in all this mess, and when I said something people believed me and supported me. It was exhilarating and I thought here we go. I would do this and that and whatever, and nothing was going to stop me.
It didn't work out that way. I still had so much to learn about who I am as a survivor, what all this has done to me, what it means to me, and what I needed to do in order to heal. I didn't appreciate, for example, that I have huge issues of guilt, that I would have to give up being a control freak, that I would have to relearn how to trust, or that I had lost or suppressed much of my ability to say how I really feel. All of this I would have to deal with through a cloud of depression and other crap.
I am not saying any of this fits you. I guess my point is that I gradually came to see that I can't do this alone. I needed the people in my life to be in my corner, and I needed professional help. The latter was a bitter pill to swallow; I had to admit I can't do this by myself and trust a stranger.
But mainly I realized that my present situation didn't develop in a day, or a week, or even a year. It built up through four years of constant abuse, then several years of fear and shame as an older teenager, then a period of extremely self-destructive entanglement with drugs and alcohol, and then decades of just refusing even to think about it. My problems had become deep-seated and very complicated.
I realized that recovery from all that couldn't be a goal that I would charge at with all my energy and knock flat. Recovery had to involve a fundamental change in my attitudes about a lot of things; it wasn't about setting a goal and fighting for it. To suffer, hurt, and endure the trauma all over again didn't mean I was getting anywhere. Pain wasn't necessarily gain. The key would be small steps and setting short-term goals, all under the guidance of a therapist who would know how to keep me safe.
I think that's the key. Small steps and one thing at a time. Forward, but in stages we can manage, and with people we trust. I think this takes a certain peace of mind, and I know I don't have that yet. You speak of resentment; I am still too bitter and angry. But I am working on that as well. I am sure there will be other things that come up unexpectedly and require my attention, but I will be okay with that, I think. I try to tell myself that I am on the right path, and that makes all the difference.
Hope this is of some help. I will be sending you good thoughts tomorrow. Just bear in mind that when you tell your wife, as soon as she gets what you are saying she will be thinking of the frightened child her husband was years ago.
Take care,
Larry