How do you know for sure?
First, I want to send my thanks for this site. Those of you who share your experiences and support others here have my greatest respect, for your courage and dignity.
I hope this is posted in the appropriate place, and I apologize in advance if I violate any of the guidelines for posting, as this is my first post and I am somewhat distraught at the moment.
This may ramble a bit, but I think it will be good for me to write it out. Ultimately, my question is, "How do you know for sure, that you were a victim of abuse, sexual or otherwise, if you do not have clear recollection of events?"
At 40 some years old, I am exhausted of being broken, and some fragments of very disturbing memories have been coming up. I have been searching for the excuse as to why I am broken, and all indicators point to sexual abuse. If you search for the symptoms of an adult who endured SA as a child, I exhibit nearly every single trait discused in the text. One exception is that I have vivid and distinct memories of my childhood, back to about 2.5 years of age, with no clear memories of SA. I have always been blessed with a great memory. I can recall the name of every teacher I have ever had, every phone number where I have ever lived, even back to age 3. I have searched the catalog of my brain again and again, but can find no specific event or person(s) associate with any violence against me.
However, it is very clear to me that I changed somewhere around 4th grade. Prior to 4th grade, as best I can tell I was a well adjusted, perfectly happy kid leading a charmed life. By 6th grade, I could not even look people in the eye and still can't do it comfortably to this day. I have carried many of the characteristics of an abuse victim from that time until today.
A little history. My Mother had suffered emotional problems through mid life and after years of therapy called me one day, about 6 years ago, and told me that she had been molested by her older brother when she was 12.
Since my early teens, I have always had a problem with my Mother. I do not think she was my abuser, as my fragments of memory coming up are more rape based. However, I might blame her for not protecting me from the abuse.
As for the memory fragments, nothing is too clear. I'm not sure how appropriate it is to share specifics here, so I will not go into too much detail. They are more memories of feelings, than actual events. As for specific events, they are of the possible aftermath of the attach. Bloody toilet paper, fear of taking a "#2" for the pain it will bring. I can see the bathroom clearly in my memory. We lived in that house from the time I was 4 until I was 11. I believe I have a memory of a conversation with a doctor, about maybe passing a very large #2, which might have casued my injury. However, this might be the story I was told to tell the doctor, or my mother. I'm just not sure, and drives me nuts that I can remember everything, but I can't remember the specifics of this. But if it was a medical event, why all the systoms that have followed me for three decades?
Where I am now, is exhausted of being broken. I have been fighting the good fight for 30 years, and have managed to function reasonably well for being a complete mess on the inside. I want to get well with myself. I need to get well with myself, as it is getting harder and harder to function, and I can not afford a nervous breakdown right now.
So, here are my questions and here are my fears.
How do I know for sure, if I do not have clear memories of Who, What, When, Where and How?
How do I find a good therapist, as I am sure I will need one if I am going to deal with this properly?
Fears: I'm not ready to go there yet.
Re-reading this post, I can't believe I am about to post it but it has been good for me to type it out, I think. Again, Thank You MS Community. Reading all the posts here have really helped me deal with the possibility that I was raped. It is unimaginable that someone could do something like that to a child, but as we all know too well it happens.
Fight the Good Fight.
I hope this is posted in the appropriate place, and I apologize in advance if I violate any of the guidelines for posting, as this is my first post and I am somewhat distraught at the moment.
This may ramble a bit, but I think it will be good for me to write it out. Ultimately, my question is, "How do you know for sure, that you were a victim of abuse, sexual or otherwise, if you do not have clear recollection of events?"
At 40 some years old, I am exhausted of being broken, and some fragments of very disturbing memories have been coming up. I have been searching for the excuse as to why I am broken, and all indicators point to sexual abuse. If you search for the symptoms of an adult who endured SA as a child, I exhibit nearly every single trait discused in the text. One exception is that I have vivid and distinct memories of my childhood, back to about 2.5 years of age, with no clear memories of SA. I have always been blessed with a great memory. I can recall the name of every teacher I have ever had, every phone number where I have ever lived, even back to age 3. I have searched the catalog of my brain again and again, but can find no specific event or person(s) associate with any violence against me.
However, it is very clear to me that I changed somewhere around 4th grade. Prior to 4th grade, as best I can tell I was a well adjusted, perfectly happy kid leading a charmed life. By 6th grade, I could not even look people in the eye and still can't do it comfortably to this day. I have carried many of the characteristics of an abuse victim from that time until today.
A little history. My Mother had suffered emotional problems through mid life and after years of therapy called me one day, about 6 years ago, and told me that she had been molested by her older brother when she was 12.
Since my early teens, I have always had a problem with my Mother. I do not think she was my abuser, as my fragments of memory coming up are more rape based. However, I might blame her for not protecting me from the abuse.
As for the memory fragments, nothing is too clear. I'm not sure how appropriate it is to share specifics here, so I will not go into too much detail. They are more memories of feelings, than actual events. As for specific events, they are of the possible aftermath of the attach. Bloody toilet paper, fear of taking a "#2" for the pain it will bring. I can see the bathroom clearly in my memory. We lived in that house from the time I was 4 until I was 11. I believe I have a memory of a conversation with a doctor, about maybe passing a very large #2, which might have casued my injury. However, this might be the story I was told to tell the doctor, or my mother. I'm just not sure, and drives me nuts that I can remember everything, but I can't remember the specifics of this. But if it was a medical event, why all the systoms that have followed me for three decades?
Where I am now, is exhausted of being broken. I have been fighting the good fight for 30 years, and have managed to function reasonably well for being a complete mess on the inside. I want to get well with myself. I need to get well with myself, as it is getting harder and harder to function, and I can not afford a nervous breakdown right now.
So, here are my questions and here are my fears.
How do I know for sure, if I do not have clear memories of Who, What, When, Where and How?
How do I find a good therapist, as I am sure I will need one if I am going to deal with this properly?
Fears: I'm not ready to go there yet.
Re-reading this post, I can't believe I am about to post it but it has been good for me to type it out, I think. Again, Thank You MS Community. Reading all the posts here have really helped me deal with the possibility that I was raped. It is unimaginable that someone could do something like that to a child, but as we all know too well it happens.
Fight the Good Fight.
I love my work and the opportunity to work with young people. I wouldn't have it any other way. How and why it all started is something I still don't like very much, but that was 42 years ago. I need to look forward and am now prepared to do that.