How do you get through this????

How do you get through this????
N

nursemanda25

Registrant
I've been with my husband for 5 years, married 3. I knew about the abuse he suffered from his step-dad before we got married - well, only to the extent that he said "I was sexually abused by my step-father." Nothing was ever mentioned after that; I didn't know how to respond.
My husband has lived a sad life; he jumped from job to job, woman to woman, and did ALOT of drugs - and to top it all off, he had a son die at 2months old with his first wife. I'm happy to say that he has been clean for 4 years, has worked a stable job for 2 1/2 years, doesn't seem to mind being settled down, and has finally begun to have hope for the future - All this without any counseling.
We do both see a counselor, for different reasons, individually and together, for the past year or so. I am going through a rapid weight loss program and am going through counseling to help me recreate my identity and deal with my past emotional issues and have made some great progress in being able to stand up for me, finally. The relevance of this is that I finally, after all this time, feel comfortable enough to confront the issues with our sex life...
I guess whoever reads this can see where this is going...
We went to our counselor together last night to talk about our sex life and finally his past sexual abuse was brought to the surface. I had previously assumed that he was dealing with it through counseling, I didn't really know, but now I do... This is the most that it has ever been spoken of in front of me.
I can't stop crying, not only because of the pain he experiences, but because I don't know if I have the strength left to help him through this. I don't care if it sounds conceited, but he is where he is in life because of me, because I cared enough to carry him and pick the pieces and show him that goals can be achieved and that life is worth living and that he is loved. I feel like I have basically been told "I love you, I want to be married to you, and I need your love and support; but don't count on me to fulfill your needs." I'm only 24! How can I be expected to go through life like this???
I understand that his lack of interest in the bedroom has nothing to do with me... but on the flip side, he had no clue that he couldn't just ignore me with no explanation or sensitivity - that because of MY past, that translates into "If my husband doesn't want me or care that he has hurt me, then I must really be worthless, everyone was right all along." That thought is my own issue to deal with, but I still KNOW it isn't about me, but it FEELS like it is, if that makes sense.
Its not like we have no intimacy, but it's certainly not where I'd like it to be... and I know I cannot force the issue.
I just don't know how to go on now that the proverbial can of worms has been opened... I think that this "confrontation" was probably necessary, as his past is most definitely affecting our relationship and me. But I just don't know how to respond...
I'm afraid that having it out in the open will cause what little bit of intimacy and sex there is to completely disappear....

*as a side note, its not just sex for fun, I am passionate in love with my hubby and I love making love with him and having that deep connection - there have been a few memorable times that I didn't know where he ended and I began....and I Need that feeling in my life.
 
Hi there,

I relate to what you're saying and understand how exhausted you're feeling right now. I'm not sure I can offer any useful advice, but here goes.......


''I feel like I have basically been told "I love you, I want to be married to you, and I need your love and support; but don't count on me to fulfill your needs." I'm only 24! How can I be expected to go through life like this???''

I wonder what your husband has actually said to you? Also, if you're giving a lot and compromising yourself too much in order to ensure some amount of sex/intimacy, it will leave you feeling resentful, which is no good for either of you. I'm not talking about being insensitive, just beware of feeling used. I would recommend lots of reading around the whole subject and creating a safe enviroment (outside the bedroom) where you can both talk. One book I was reading (The survivors guide to sex) talks about couples discussing if EITHER of them would like to take a break from sex. At first I found this very threatening, but then when for two weeks, my partner was feeling very sexual/wanting lots of sexual contact(without any intimacy first), then suddenly he lost interest, went cold with me like I was the enemy, but without even respectfully explaining anything to me, I realised I was totally confused; when would he feel sexual again? why didn't he realise that emotionally this would effect me? I would be so desperate for sexual contact, that the next time he approached me, I would give myself to him (again without any of the intimacy I needed first). Throughout our relationship of 11 years, this has repeated itself, to the point where I totally lost all self respect/dignity. We've talked more recently and he says whenever I talk of needing anything, it makes him feel inadequate. I've done much thinking about this and while I understand that must be very unpleasant for him, I also decided that by compromising my own needs I wasn't helping to change a thing, I was enabling the situation to repeat intself over and over. I think this has been through the fear that he won't love me still if I don't and obviously the threat of no sex. But, on seeing my homeopath/therapist this week, I decided that agreeing on a break from sexual contact was the only way to get some respect back. My partner was a bit cross actually, but agreed to it and we've just decided to do it week by week. Anything longer than that seems menacing!

My partner actually seemed confused about what was acceptable to me or not. I said looking, eye contact, flirting, sensual or suggestive touching of none sexual body parts are all ok (they're what I've been missing) Pouncing on me, with the obvious pressure of sex, then getting angry/looking sad like I've been mean in some way is not! Also just going straight into sex in bed or any other time with no emotional connect/flirting/eye contact/build up first is not! These are the things I've been compromising myself on for years. Also I've never been able to be flirtatious in any way, as that triggers him (I now know), but if I simply avoid that, then that's not helpful to him anyway, as he won't even get the chance to work through those triggers. It's tricky, because I have very little confidence left to behave that way with him anymore anyway, but I think gradually it will return.

Over the years all this stuff has confused me about what I wanted too. You have to be careful with yourself and strong too. I now realise my partner has actually been quite abusive to me, which shocked me a bit, as he's always been very good at looking like I've been horrible to him in some way, so I've always felt kind of bad and sorry for him. But I do realise he's NOT been a victim in THIS realtionship, although he's behaved that way. You're husband is also learning from you about what is acceptable and what is not, so it's ok to set your own boundaries.

I see it as a very positive sign that you've had sexual moments between you where you've really felt connected. Trust in that feeling, trust that it means there is a real connection between you. Learn to honest with each other/listen to each other and share feelings. It's good that you're so young, as it means change is easier/behaviours are more adaptable. Also the chances of full recovery for most survivors are high. Therefor, you could both live most of your lives fully and happily.

At the moment myself and my partner are viewing this time as an opportunity to get together all over again, but this time with intimacy. It's not always smooth running and each time there's an awkward moment, one of us tries to notice it/talk about what happened. I've suddenly realised he DOES actually fancy me, it's just that he gets a lot of negative feelings which interrupt the natural flow. It's a question of learning and re-defining what sexual feelings/behaviours mean.

I know it's hard and it doesn't feel fair, but if there's really something between you and your husband, it's probably worth it. You have to be so strong. I would say just try to remember yourself/your needs within the relationship. I'm not talking about making demands, just realities. After all there are TWO people in a relationship.

:)

peace and positive energy
 
beccy, thanks for your reply.
When I wrote the post, I felt panicked... We have since talked more, and I told him that I felt like I was expected to cater to his issues and just be on my own and not be allowed to expect anything from him. He felt very upset that had thought that, and he explained that he didn't ever mean for it to come across that way. He says he wants to be there for me in whatever ways he can, including sexually - but that might just take time. I understand that it will, and as long as he is willing to work on this and go through the process of healing, I am willing to be patient.
We have been through alot of crap in 5 years, and when I started reading about survivors and signs/symptoms of s/a in men, I was completely shocked - everything I read fit us to a tee. I should say that HE has put me through alot of crap in the last 5 years - the lies, the paronoia, the lack of trust, the manipulation, and emotional abuse. I put up with it all because I saw something better for him and for us. He has definitely tried to take a victim role in our relationship and has purposefully tried to make me look like "the bad guy" to friends and other around us - and has succeeded. Last summer, I told him that crap had to quit or I wasn't gonna stick around, I didn't need my own husband to backstab me and put me in that postion. I was so tired of him telling me one thing and then doing/telling others completely the opposite.
I had no idea that most of these things were directly related to his s/a, but it makes sense now, and I am glad I have stayed. We do have a great future together; and I think that because I have always offered him stability and hope, that he really does feel safe and have a bond of trust with me (although it doesn't always show).
Certainly this is a difficult situation when I am learning to overcome my past and become more confident and assertive (with him and everyone else) and deal with how he reacts to it (in some ways he is intimidated).
All I know is that it isn't all about him. In order for both of us to make a future together, we have to work with both of our issues together. I also know that if he ever does anything (such as cheat on me - the just sex no emotions thing), that I won't accept his s/a as an excuse... he is still married and still has choices to make to honor our marriage, he knows right from wrong and knows that I will leave him for something like that.
Thats where things stand now. Everything has been good this week. I get the feeling that he is relieved to have this all out in the open - there is no longer and elephant in the room. I think we'll be alright, I think that he will keep moving forward with the healing process (I know that he wants to be as normal as possible).
 
Hi nursmanda25,

really glad to hear you worked through some stuff there, isn't it all so complicated!

You(like me) are doing the right thing by working on your own issues too. I've found it all so confusing trying to remember back through our 11 years of being together and figure out exactly when I was ACTUALLY being a horrible person, or when bf was ACTUALLY being emotionally manipulative. Like I'm trying to remember who I actually am. Hopefully for you that will be a bit quicker....

Keep coming here, as this site can be a real source of support. That's what I'm starting to feel, as otherwise I find myself feeling quite iscolated. No-one else seems to understand a lot of what I'm saying, even family/people who really care for me. Don't know if it's that way for other partners of SA, but so far that's my experience.

take care everyone..
 
nursemanda,
as i read your post, i could not help remembering my former marriage. i never remembered my abuse till long after my marriage was over, but i knew even during the marriage that something was driving me. there was a desperation i felt in my need to fulfill this relationship that became so pivotal to my well beiing, without understandiing why of course. in retrospect, i know i leaned way too hard on her emotionally. neither of us understood it, and since we could not address it, resentment built up and it ended as it did. i finally felt safe, i felt loved...and i wass terrified of losing it. that is a lot of what drives us. the stereotypes of masculinity contribute their confusion to whaqt we are trying to be (a man, a rock, the hero...etc). for a long time, i always believed that had i not shown any weakness (my vulnerability) then she never would have left. had i only been the man i was supposed to be...but that is the confusion and stigma we try to work through. no real man who loves his significant other would ever dream of hurting them or bringing them down and it devestated me when she finally told me all she had felt and it was already over.

by sharing the above, all i wanted to convey was my own experience and feelings in what went wrong in my marriage. it sounds as though you and your husband are learning what my former wife and i was not able to, and that is what is important and precious. if i can ever help, just let me know.
 
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