How do you get rid of a controlling parent?
ForeverFighting
Registrant
My controlling parent is my mother. I started this in another thread, but realized that this is really the question I've needed to ask for years. How do I cut myself off from her?
I don't particularly want to share my life with any of my blood relatives. As far as I'm concerned, the family tree has root rot. It's just this obligation.... "Honor your father and your mother", etc. How do I care for older parents whom I really can't be around without playing the old games?
Background: My uncle lived with us for a time and that's when he started the SA. My younger sister has always had problems with her sexuality, and I often wondered if my uncle hadn't gotten to her, too. She finally accused my uncle's father, which is possible I thought. He always had a camera and some rooms in his house that made me uncomfortable, but it was so long ago, and under a certain age the memories are unreliable for me. Well, then she accused me. My sister told all my family, people in church, who knows who else that I was the perp who ruined her life. As far as I know, that didn't happen. But my mother had to believe a child, and to give her the benefit of the doubt, how could she decide? I lost. And ever since, my mother's and my relationship changed for the worse. (Funny how talking family makes a person feel small again, huh?)
I don't know if that's why my mother is so judgemental and controlling. I kind of think it comes naturally. She criticises my friends, judging each as to who is good or bad, true or untrue--you'd think God were delegating everything to her. It makes me mad, no doubt. I'm now realizing that just because my dad's side of the family was physically abusive, that didn't make my mom's side perfect. She was just as bad, but in a different way.
I've confronted my mom with my feelings. I felt she should have left my dad the first time she came home and I was covered with bruises. I'd heard all the, "It was a different time", and "Where would she have gone", but none of those were the responses I got from her. She said she loved him. How could you love a guy who beats your children? I told her it drove me nuts to have all this pain and feelings and have her call and talk about the weather. She said she'd try. It lasted about 3 months. The more I write, the more I know this relationship is terribly one-sided. I needed her. I needed her to save me, and perhaps the little kid inside still thinks she will one day.
I want to sever ties. My wife says to stop answering the phone when she calls. My parents are so hypocritical. But it's hard for me to be confrontational with anyone.
Sorry for the ramble. But I just realized today how this web site helps. I know we've all dealt with the strange ties to abusive family. I would appreciate any experiences or suggestions you have. How have you extracated and distanced yourself from the control of an abusive family? How do I get my mother to leave me alone and me not feel guilty about it?
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ForeverFighting the diseased family tree
"Just because he can procreate doesn't make him a dad."
I don't particularly want to share my life with any of my blood relatives. As far as I'm concerned, the family tree has root rot. It's just this obligation.... "Honor your father and your mother", etc. How do I care for older parents whom I really can't be around without playing the old games?
Background: My uncle lived with us for a time and that's when he started the SA. My younger sister has always had problems with her sexuality, and I often wondered if my uncle hadn't gotten to her, too. She finally accused my uncle's father, which is possible I thought. He always had a camera and some rooms in his house that made me uncomfortable, but it was so long ago, and under a certain age the memories are unreliable for me. Well, then she accused me. My sister told all my family, people in church, who knows who else that I was the perp who ruined her life. As far as I know, that didn't happen. But my mother had to believe a child, and to give her the benefit of the doubt, how could she decide? I lost. And ever since, my mother's and my relationship changed for the worse. (Funny how talking family makes a person feel small again, huh?)
I don't know if that's why my mother is so judgemental and controlling. I kind of think it comes naturally. She criticises my friends, judging each as to who is good or bad, true or untrue--you'd think God were delegating everything to her. It makes me mad, no doubt. I'm now realizing that just because my dad's side of the family was physically abusive, that didn't make my mom's side perfect. She was just as bad, but in a different way.
I've confronted my mom with my feelings. I felt she should have left my dad the first time she came home and I was covered with bruises. I'd heard all the, "It was a different time", and "Where would she have gone", but none of those were the responses I got from her. She said she loved him. How could you love a guy who beats your children? I told her it drove me nuts to have all this pain and feelings and have her call and talk about the weather. She said she'd try. It lasted about 3 months. The more I write, the more I know this relationship is terribly one-sided. I needed her. I needed her to save me, and perhaps the little kid inside still thinks she will one day.
I want to sever ties. My wife says to stop answering the phone when she calls. My parents are so hypocritical. But it's hard for me to be confrontational with anyone.
Sorry for the ramble. But I just realized today how this web site helps. I know we've all dealt with the strange ties to abusive family. I would appreciate any experiences or suggestions you have. How have you extracated and distanced yourself from the control of an abusive family? How do I get my mother to leave me alone and me not feel guilty about it?
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ForeverFighting the diseased family tree
"Just because he can procreate doesn't make him a dad."
