*Triggers Possible* How do you fantasize?

Triggers
*Triggers Possible* How do you fantasize?
B

BelovedSon

For decades I would have fantasies about doing with men what was done to me. I would look at a porn and imagine myself in the photo. Or I would close my eyes and imagine it happening. I haven't had a fantasy about reenacting my abuse in six months. And even as I have accepted that SSA is part of my sexuality I have only had one fantasy about a man in the last 6 months. I have however, begun to have lots of fantasies about my wife.

I realized that there are two aspects of fantasizing I have always been ashamed about. Before I accepted my SSA, I was ashamed about the rape fantasies. I was ashamed because the object of my fantasies were men. This weekend after I had a fantasy about my wife, I realize that I have been ashamed about how I fantasize. When I fantasize I close my eyes and see the fantasy playing out in my head like a movie. I realize that this is probably the dumbest question ever asked on this forum, but is that the normal way to fantasize? I guess I think "normal" men (my counselor hates the word normal) don't fantasize that way. I don't know what I think about how all you normal guys out there fantasize. But I pretty much believe everything about me is strange and the rest of you have your shit together and are doing everything right while I am not. Is seeing a movie playing out in your head normal?
 
Well, I'm in no way "normal", so am not your target audience. But for what it's worth, I fantasize just as you do, seeing something screening in my head like a dream or a movie. I don't know if other brains see things differently or not, but I hope that you find the answers you are looking for.
 
Yes, whether you’re talking about sexual fantasies or recalling memories or referring to storytelling and narrative works, I think all humans basically see images and hear sounds in their minds. We are a visually oriented species, it is our dominant sense in the vast majority of the population, with hearing our second most dominant. So it’s only natural that our brains process most information in an audiovisual format.

Well, that’s my theory anyway. I wonder if the answer would have been different 120 years ago before film, and then later tv and internet, turned us into a society that gets most of its information and entertainment in an audiovisual format? In places where modern technology hasn’t penetrated do people dream in still pictures or just in sound? I don’t know, but the questions are interesting.

It’s been my observation that the majority of people don’t “have their shit together” in a lot of ways. So you are definitely not the only one. I’ve seen so much dysfunctional behavior over the years as part of my job, I honestly should give myself a lot more credit for the state of my own life than I do. I wish I had a dollar for every time I dealt with someone and said to myself “and I think I have problems.”
 
Over the last 30 years or so I would fantasize about what was done with me however there were things I didn’t remember doing as an 8 year old boy that I was fantasizing about as well. I’d put myself in a story (the priest/altar boy stories for example) even though I wasn’t abused by a clergyman. But it fit the fantasy. In this last year I fantasized about the married men I provided sex to when I was in my 30-40’s. It’s always the same scenario where I am being abused again. It’s never about me having sexual pleasure. It’s like re-living the shame again but there’s something about the sex during my abuse that brings me back to the fantasies. Perhaps it’s the endorphins that were released or the physiological pleasure my body felt when my abuser stimulated me. I know I can’t act out or my 17 year marriage will end but I torment myself with these movie-like fantasies…
 
I have a ridiculously powerful fantasy life in my mind. I can only get arroused if I think of any of my sexual fantasies unfortunately. I hid within porn for years as it numbs my sexual urges/hangups with intimacy. I am a porn addict that struggles daily. I fantasize often of being submissive or a pet/slave to another. That is just the tip of my perverse iceberg though. Sorry If this is triggering.
 
Well my sexual fantasizes are much worse than the abuse I went thru. No idea why. But oddly in real life I have no desire to experience it.
 
My fantasies disturb me. I fantasise with young teens… and it’s not about raping or anything like that, but it’s about the soft touch, caring and loving. The smooth skin, little hair, etc. These are the things that I fantasise and have a hard time to deal with.

I hate these thoughts, but I also like the pleasure they give me. It’s a constant paradox.
 
I don't have the knowledge or experience to be able to fantasize much about sex. My only fantasy is having my genitals being examined very thoroughly by a female doctor or nurse, and she watched me masturbate to see how well everything functions. I am impotent, so things don't function well, but she understands.
 
As much as I don't want it to be true, most of my fantasies centre on my own abuse. And even worse, from the days when I was paired up with other boys. The memories and images are all too clear in my mind, and nothing else quite gets me as aroused as that does. Hated writing this. I feel like such a sick deviant. But there it is. I have admitted it.
 
Greybeard said:
Hated writing this. I feel like such a sick deviant. But there it is. I have admitted it.
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I understand the feeling Grey, developing brains are like hot metal in a mold. Quick to flow and change till it sets, then you have to work much harder to change it's shape. Yet even the most twisted failures can be remelted and molded anew. Over and over as many times as it takes. In the meantime, give yourself the gift of patience with yourself. The pain was forced upon you, but in time even it too shall fade... at least I hope so, lemme know if ya get there will ya? I'll be cheering from the sidelines while forging my own path (pun intended).
 
Tableau in Stasis said:
I understand the feeling Grey, developing brains are like hot metal in a mold. Quick to flow and change till it sets, then you have to work much harder to change it's shape. Yet even the most twisted failures can be remelted and molded anew. Over and over as many times as it takes. In the meantime, give yourself the gift of patience with yourself. The pain was forced upon you, but in time even it too shall fade... at least I hope so, lemme know if ya get there will ya? I'll be cheering from the sidelines while forging my own path (pun intended).
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I know it's not what I actually like. Give me a slightly hefty hairy guy in his 40s and I'm in heaven. Total opposite of my fantasy world (and if anyone has a spare slightly hefty hair guy in his 40s they want to give to someone, I'm here!)
 
So, I'm going to tell you all something I have never shared. When I was 12 or 13 I started putting things up my ass. It was a compulsion and I would just disconnect from myself and do it. I felt guilty and ashamed afterwards, and then I would just block out the memory until I was compelled to do it again. It was barely even erotic because I was so closed down. I had completely repressed having been raped so I had no clue why I even thought of doing this.

This continued through my whole life. I would feel compelled and just put things up there. I always had some minimal level of self-control that allowed me to avoid doing serious harm to myself, but I always panicked afterwards as if I had. I finally started buying sex toys, using them for awhile, and then throwing them away. Only to buy something bigger later, use it and then throw it away.

Then I bought a prostate massage toy that I really liked. It helped me get in touch with the physical sensations and I started to feel less guilty.

I finally even bought a fucking machine that I hid from my now ex wife. I frankly loved it and had the best orgasms I'd ever had with it. When we moved to Central America I left it behind.

Now that she is gone I have finally accepted that I really like things up my ass. I have no idea if that means anything. I have no real desire for a man, or for a woman to penetrate me with a toy. I just don't know, but I accept that that's how I am now. I have worked really hard to let the guilt and shame go. I don't go into compulsive machine mode anymore. It's much better now.

Guilt and shame are toxic. Acceptance and self-compassion are key. If we separate ourselves from all the emotional baggage while being present we can learn about what really feels good and start to break the cycle of guilt.

It's still hard. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm ok with being a guy who likes to fuck himself in the ass with toys.

There, I've said it and the world didn't end 😁 .
 
Induna said:
Guilt and shame are toxic. Acceptance and self-compassion are key. If we separate ourselves from all the emotional baggage while being present we can learn about what really feels good and start to break the cycle of guilt.
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This. This. This.

Excellent, brave post. Thank you.
 
Induna said:
It's still hard. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm ok with being a guy who likes to fuck himself in the ass with toys.

There, I've said it and the world didn't end 😁 .
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As odd as this may sound, I am so happy for you! To have come to peace with something like that, to have accepted your pleasure and shed the CDA connection, I think that is the goal of so many of us here. It makes me so glad for you.
 
I second that @Greybeard . @Induna likening that kind of stuff says nothing about your sexuality or makes you less of a man, it feels good period. Getting over the shame of that is a far better fate than continuing to torture yourself with guilt. Good on you man.

Lately for myself I've been re-examining my own fantasies I have and I've concluded that I really like to recreate my abuse and have basically been fantasizing about it for years without really understanding why. I don't think about or crank it to my abuse memories, those are too filled with anger and hate now for me to get off on. But yea I recreate the same scenario in my head a lot but I soften it somewhat? Like the other person is much kinder and gentler and caring. I've even asked people I've had sex with to do the same kind of stuff to me, but like my fantasies they are much more gentle and "nice" to me while doing it. The thing that does give me pause is that in my head when I go at it I see myself as being younger again, mostly the same age I was when I was abused. I'm kind of split on how healthy this is. To an outsider, having any sort of fantasy involving someone underage, even if you are imagining the underage person as yourself, is wrong, pedophilia, and just plain disgusting. I think i'm more frightened of what other people would think if I admitted to it. Maybe I need to move away from those thoughts to something more normal because its holding back my healing. On the other hand, they are just thoughts, nobody's getting hurt, I would never go out and mess around with someone underage or look at porn with someone underage. So yea its gross and disgusting and socially unacceptable and part of me just doesn't care.
 
Nix said:
The thing that does give me pause is that in my head when I go at it I see myself as being younger again, mostly the same age I was when I was abused. I'm kind of split on how healthy this is. To
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Yes, that is exactly how it is with me. It's not adult me in my fantasy world, its young me. And I have those same fears of being considered a pedophile because of the fantasies
 
This thread is resonating a lot with me.

In blunt and simple words - I want to:
1. Be able to think, feel and enjoy the pleasure of my abuse memories. I’m a bit exhausted of trying to ignore/avoid them.
2. Feel safe with them. Ensure I don’t act and/or look for minors os child prnography to fulill them. (I have never done anything, but I get super aroused with the fantasies). It reconnects me with the abuse/abuser in many ways - visually, touch, smells,
3. Learn how to leverage these arousing memories to enhance my sexual life. Especially, be able to enjoy sex with my long term partner while focusing in the now/him.
4. Continue to the talk a chat more about it as I really believe we can support each other while sharing the abuse, the thoughts and emotions that follow us.
 
randomnumber said:
Well my sexual fantasizes are much worse than the abuse I went thru
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Similar here. I constantly ask where did my kinks come from. As the memories of my abuse - my kinks give me instant high pleasure/arousal, and a lot of guilt and shame afterwards.

A while ago, I decided I’d embrace my fantasies as it’s safe and only in my head. However, these days I fear them because i feel they’re constantly progressing in it’s level of kinkness.

It’s not an easy one to navigate - at least for me.
 
Indian you are not alone in your thoughts. I’ve been putting thing up my ass too. There’s lot of nerves there just like the head of the penis so of course it’s arousing. Once I figured out the hole prostate massage thing. WOW. When I was 25 I ran into my abuser. I saw him twice and then stopped. On one had it was like seeing an old girlfriend I never had on the other I was so disgusted at what I had done. And yes I still fantasize about that. I talked a lot with my T about of this. We both feel it’s fine to fantasize all you want as long as you don’t act on it. That’s helped me feel not so ashamed of my thoughts. And yes I’m definitely not normal
 
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