How do you deal with the anger?

[scooter]

I've always stuffed my anger deep inside. I have a hard time expressing anger over anything in my life today because so much of the anger over the past seems to come up at those times. It almost cripples me at times because I don't want to react to something because I'm afraid I'll get out of control.

I'm trying to find ways to let the anger out, but I am very controlling in that area. I will get the feeling of wanting to tear my house apart, but I know I would then have to fix it. I would approach my abuser right now, but he's dead. It's probably better because I would tear him to pieces. I was having images of taking a sledge hammer to his grave and smashing it to hell.

I've imagined going back and stopping him, stepping in to protect myself, beating the crap out of him in gruesome ways. In journaling I've written directly to him. But I am still angry. I've tried to deny my intense anger, but I hit bottom in regards to my anger and have to accept it. For the last few months I've been wanting to get a heavy bag and boxing gloves, but I think I'm afraid of the anger and hatred I have toward him (and other anger I've stuffed throughout my life so I didn't have to deal with where my real anger came from).

I also have this need to forgive pressed into my mind by my religion. That's just bs, at least not now. I've taken the anger out on myself in abusive ways, but now I want to learn to express my anger in healthy and appropriate ways.

Any thoughts on anger and how to express it would be appreciated.

 

[ForeverFighting]

I understand how you feel. I had a post about anger a couple of months ago. ScottyTodd said something that really made sense.

FF - Anger is one of those symptoms our perps gave to us. Most times it covers some other deeper feeling. Like when someone falls off their bike, feels foolish, then kicks the bike blaming "it" for the fall. It's easier to blame the bike than to deal with feeling foolish. We cover old emotions, that may have remained dormant for years, when we enter therapy and these old emotions seep out, we cover them with anger to avoid facing them. You are experiencing a common complaint of survivors especially the "anger appears for no reason". MAYBE the not going to bed is to avoid 'dreams' that scare us? An attempt to be in control of our life (if old emotions bring back our feeling of powerlessness)?

Keeping the anger outside of ourselves is a whole lot better than turning it in on ourselves. Even better, I guess, is to see what it is that's making me so angry. Usually it's feelings of betrayal, like I'm being talked down to, treated like I'm less than I am, not feeling accepted, like I'm being used and controlled. People hurt us, and yeah, we deserve to be angry. But we also deserve to feel that emptiness and abandonment, that sadness that comes when people got our hopes up and then tossed us like rags. Sometimes it's a sadness, the sense of immense loss of so much in our lives. When I look at it that way, it is easier to tear the house apart. But that doesn't look at the damage that's already been done inside me.

I still do it. I take offense and pull away from people, say things I wish I hadn't. But the more I seriously work on my inside feelings, the more I feel like I belong in this world.

Writing helps, and I'm definitely here to listen. Take care of yourself, OK?

 

[aardvark]

hey scooter,

I think its a great idea to get a punching bag. I know for me to puch things releives alot of stress. I work in a restaurant and when I get real mad I go in the freezer and beat up the boxes. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry, try and find out what works best for you. just know its ok to feel happy once in a while too, I know I forget that alot.

-aardvark

 

[andrew51]

Scooter, talking about it helps. It helps a lot.
The more we express our feelings verbally, the less fear there is around the subject. I have found that much of my anger was wrapped around issues of fear. Every time you get angry, ask yourself. "What am I afraid of" You will be surprised, there is always fear involved. Fear of the experience repeating itself, fear of failure, fear of a loved one getting hurt, fear of not understanding, fear of not being strong etc etc. For me, facing and talking about my fears has greatly alleviated my anger. Also, writing down how you feel might also be a useful tool. Peace, Andrew

 

[scooter]

Well, I got myself the boxing bag and some gloves. It was a rush. I felt blind anger and rage as I beat the bag. My knuckles were bloodied by the time I was done - which was nice because I wasn't abusing any other parts of my body.

There were times I was just boxing for boxing and then some of the rage would come out and I'd imagine him and dissociate as I beat the crap out of him. Then I'd get back into control and enjoy hitting the bag for the hitting the bag.

I exhausted myself and got to do it while getting out the anger. I'm going to have to do it quite a bit, but it feels good to have a place to start and a safe place to go with it.

 

[alexey]

Usually it's feelings of betrayal, like I'm being talked down to, treated like I'm less than I am, not feeling accepted, like I'm being used and controlled. People hurt us, and yeah, we deserve to be angry. But we also deserve to feel that emptiness and abandonment, that sadness that comes when people got our hopes up and then tossed us like rags. Sometimes it's a sadness, the sense of immense loss of so much in our lives.

Many times I have felt that I was weak when I verbally expressed my anger. At other occasions, I have felt strong, and there is confusion as I can hardly distinguish if I am right.

Sometimes I am angry at myself, and then I try to figure out who was abusing whom. For example, in relationships, I can have a tendency to control the others, and I can have an unrealistic expectation of the others' behavior. When I am betrayed, it maybe my fault to expect for a different outcome.

However, do not I critisize myself too much? Well, in my opinion, I can trust my feelings; therefore, I am able to see a legitimate way to show my anger.

To me, it seems that I tend to keep my anger hidden, and overrationalize it.

Very often I look in the past and think that I could behave differently, and do more good to myself, and the others. I think it is another way of self-critisizm.