How do you deal or cope with your anger

[Ploni]

Hello all,

Over the last several years, I have been struggling coming to terms with the various traumas and other issues I have endured. This has proven to be exceedingly challenging for me due to my utter lack of coping skills and other foundations I was never given the chance to attain growing up due to having alcoholic, emotionally abusive, and neglectful parents who used words as weapons.

I have been blessed to have an extremely supportive and sympathetic wife by my side, trying to help me through all this turmoil. However, as a consequence to all of my inner pain and lack of knowing how to deal with conflict (due to my aforementioned issues, sexual assault, etc.), I have on many, many occasions exploded with anger and directed it at her, being both verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. When this happens, I feel powerless to stop it, as if I am watching it unfold as if I am someone else. Afterwards, I feel so lost and in shock… Both Jekyll and Hyde.

To make matters worse, what was once years ago bi-polar depression and mania has seemingly been replaced with a constant state of depression, preventing me from ever experiencing much in the way of happiness or pleasure (anhedonia, perhaps). This leaves me feeling like the only emotions I feel are a general melancholy and this anger that comes spewing out of me at times when I feel like everything comes closing in and suffocating me.

I wanted to ask those of you with anger issues how you deal with it and cope with these emotions? Do you have any advice on learning how to connect with buried anger and directing it in a healthy, appropriate way?

Thank you.

 

[Duckie]

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[Dust]

Hi Ploni. This is easier said than done, but walking away, or even avoiding situations, helps. It's kind of the last thing you want to do when you're angry, but when you do notice yourself getting angry, or when you can begin to predict which situations will make you angry, you can simply walk away, avoid, or even tell yourself "It's not worth it, or anger is not what I want to feel right now." I would call this coping mechanism a form of emotional regulation.

Something else that you might address is depression. As you may know, irritability is a symptom of depression. Being depressed makes it more likely that anger will get the better of us. Again not easy, but anything you can do to alleviate depression will probably help with angry outbursts. Exercise, proper sleep and nutrition, setting up and pursuing achievable goals, decreasing social isolation, etc. all can help with depression, as can medication if needed.

Knowing also where your anger may have originated, in your childhood as you described, is helpful. I think this is so because once we realize the connection between past and present we begin to apply understanding to our emotional reactions, rather than guilt, shame, or blame. In other words, we can begin to acknowledge and accept our anger because it makes sense to us in light of what happened to us. To continue to push something away from us, resisting it rather than accepting it, will keep it functioning in the way it has, with outbursts of anger. Talking about your feelings is another good way to reduce their power over us. I think you've both acknowedged and are beginning to talk about your anger here. I think that is a great start.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

First, I have alot of experience with dealing with buried anger. It is not an uncommon problem. But by putting in the work and by seeking help, it can be addressed, controlled and managed.

Many of us never learned coping skills and had awful parents. Many of us suffered abuse. Many of us were forced to bury our anger while growing up. However, now as adults we cannot use these things to excuse our blowing up at or abusing other people. It just doesn't wash. We will lose jobs, income, relationships, credibility, and happiness because of our inability to control our negative emotions.

The good news is that we can learn coping skills at any age. We can learn how to express our emotions in healthier ways. It takes time and work but the alternative is to live in dysfunction, hurting ourselves and others for our entire lives. It is good that you are staring at the problem and realizing this has to change. In order to change, it usually has to get to the point where we say, this is just not acceptable anymore. In truth, it never was. But sometimes, by the grace of God we skate by until we can no longer do so.

Nowhere in your post do you mention seeing a counselor, a therapist, a mentor, support group, or a pastor. If you do not, one or more of those should be your first step. You will need to get in touch with the anger and be able to express it in a safe place, and then work through it so that it dissapates over time, becoming more manageable. Often just being able to express our emotions to others and feel heard reduces alot of the intensity of the emotions.

A good second step would be to get treated for the depression by discussing it with your doctor. If they think it would help, it can be stabilized by meds for a period of time. That can at least give you and your marriage some breathing room.

Once you have a relationship with a group or individual that you can be accountable to, and who can help you process some of the emotions that come up, there are other things that can help defuse the stored anger, such as role playing, and expressing the anger over time through writing. I don't want to go too much into that though until you first have a foundation of support in place. I have done these things to good effect but would never advocate doing them without having support in place.

In closing, I urge you strongly to address this ASAP. It is just not o.k. for any of us to explode in anger toward a spouse and to be physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. I've done my fair share of blowing up in the past, and it was never pretty. If we end up doing something really terrible, I guarantee you that the judge, the jury, and our family members and neighbors will NOT be as understanding as one would hope. Nor will they pat us on the head and say, there, there, it's o.k., I know how hard your life has been. No, most people are going to react in a harsh and condemning way. They are not going to accept excuses. Because the way they see it, we are not powerless. We have choices. And we do all have a choice to seek help or not. I hope you can take some steps today. If you care to PM me at any time, feel free. If not, I wish you the best in your journey.

- Chris

 

[JamesM]

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[CelloL]

I break things... and then I regret it. I almost never lose my temper with people. It's those stupid inanimate objects that conspire against me.

 

[KMCINVA]

Ploni

Memories of trauma is one of the causes of anger and is heightened if one suffers PTSD or other mental conditions. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I know my anger, mainly loud words and shouting with lose of control of my thoughts. As I began to face the memories, and it took time and much effort, and realizing PTSD was a part of my life, I developed coping mechanisms that have allowed me to accept the memories are my memories of an experience that I should not have faced but I did and I must live with it. I use coping mechanisms when I feel triggered because anger was only one response to triggers and far more unhealthy one for me was dissociation--I would flee and I was disconnected from me and the present.

When I feel a trigger I begin to do affirmations of my worth and value, I affirm the abuse was not my fault and the guilt and shame are those of the abuser, etc. It refocuses me and takes me out of a sense of shame and allowing the memories to control. Some begin to listen to music and it will be different for each of us. As you begin to control the memories vs. the memories controlling you the process of refocusing and grounding oneself begins more natural. You begin to rewire how you think. I know it is not fool proof but it is a better life for me since I have accepted the memories and the abuse as a part of me, but a part that does not define me.

I am not sure if I have helped with this response but you are taking steps to face the abuse and its memories. You are here sharing and looking for answers.

Kevin

 

[dark empathy]

For me anger is tied to powerlessness. Like Chelo I am rarely if ever angry at actual people, but I can become extremely uggly about the state of the world, things in it, society, my life etc.
This can get irrational, I yell, punch furniture and though my anger is never directed at actual human beings my lady says it is something that worries her, not for her own safety but for my sake.

On rare occasions she's even used the "your upsetting me" tactic, which usually brings me out of things fairly quickly, albeit she's said she hates doing this as it feels manipulative.

One of the problems I have is I'm in a catch 22. Back when I had counselling in 2014, I was able to express a lot of anger in the presence of my councillor, even say things I never would've said otherwise and it helped that he said "yes, you have perfectly good reasons to be angr, because hell your circumstances really aren't! your fault"

The problem now is that I might have perfectly good reasons for being angry, namely the powerlessness I mention, but my anger at that powerlessness is no longer something which is productive for me, especially since I am literally petrified of upsetting my lady.

I recently read an article which noted that the rush of anger in and of itself can be addictive, so once you start expressing it, especially when its justified righteous anger, its very hard to stop.

That is why at the moment I'm trying to understand my own reactions a little more and remain in control of them, since while I cannot do much about my own powerlessness, I can reduce the affects of the crappiness of my situation on me by having it affect me less. This does seem to be working, just telling myself that giving vent to my anger is actually letting "them" win.

finally I will say that destructive anger is a real thing, and something quite worrying. my lady was married to a man she refers to as Jekyll and hide who was emotionally, verbally and on rare occasions physically abusive. Needless to say that marriage ended and I saw the state she was left in afterwards.

she has encouraged me by saying my own fits of powerlessness are %100 different since they're never directed at anybody (much less her) albeit she's told me my expressed anger does make me sound uggly and (in her words), not like myself.

Luke.

 

[i-m-Bri]

Hi Ploni,

For me, anger was my go to feeling. Hell, rage was my drug of choice so to speak. It was an attitude I could hide behind. It took a lot of work to open up to other feelings. But it still comes up.
I try to catch it and not act in in. If I feel it rising I will try to back away and give myself time to breath and think. Some important questions I try to ask myself (not always successfully)
1. Is there anything else that could be going on?
2. Am I hurt? If so, by what?
3. Am I scared? If so, why?
That only works if I catch it. Anger is pretty darn spontaneous and I don't always.

I like to dissipate it with something physical, a stomping speed walk or a hard workout or even chores. The physicality helps me spend the energy and I end up accomplishing something too!

 

[genedebs]

Hi Ploni and all

There are two separate issue. The first is a series of actions which I have found over years to work when depressed and as they say depression is a anger turned inward.

Among the activities. Walking, particularly for 10 minutes or longer. Paying attention to your breathing is an additional aid.

If you can take the time, you can sit and pay attention to your body. Start by finding where the soles of your feet, then, where your ankles, then your calves. Next where are your knees. Can you feel them without touching them, continue to your thighs. Then your butt cheeks. Your torso, your snoulders. your biceps, your forarms, your fingers. Your neck, your face, the back of your skull. Then think of a hole in the top of your head and imagine something coming out of your head (bubbles, cotton balls, whatever) let it go up and cascade down the crown of your head.

This is the method of meditation I find best to just stop ( as we say in AA - pause when agitated or doubtful.)

The other option (if you can get away with it) just go to sleep.

Now let me deal with the anger that is separated from the depression. Often this anger is triggered by your past. Even if you know how you are being disrespected, or feeling you are being the hurt or humiliated, just assume you will not be rational. To stop the expression of your anger, you must review where you think the reaction is coming from. If you can not hold off, go out side and breathe deeply. Then if you are still angry ask yourself how important is it.

These are methods I have used over the last 23 years of sobriety.

I suffer from Major Depression, social anxiety, CPTSD.(some people now call that Diagnosis of Extreme Stress, Not otherwise specified. When I have gotten quieted enough. I offer who ever was the target of the anger, a treat.

For whatever my experience is worth.

 

[Ploni]

Hello all,

Thank you so very much for your kind words of advice and input. I am ashamed that it has taken me so long to respond… I have a hard time knowing what to say at times, often due to a lot of noise in my head and/or self-doubt.

@Casmir213: Thank you for your suggestions. You are absolutely right in saying that the root of this anger (and my outbursts) lay solely in my past and the trauma I have endured. I try to sort that all out by either talking about it with my wife (when I haven't burnt my bridges, so to speak) or writing about my thoughts in a journal. This last one sounds deceptively simple but always manages to throw me. It feels like I always miss the mark in terms of writing effectively. This is in part due to the noisy thoughts mentioned previously and my utter lack of coping skills and problem-solving on an emotional level. I have even tried searching for examples of effective journal writing, thinking I can "fake it until I make it" by taking the example as a lead, but it always results in finding only writing prompts. While these are helpful, I tend to feel like I still write ineffectually on almost any level.

I have been wanting to try an art therapy journal, hoping to connect with my "lost" creative self (inner child) on some level. I am open to suggestions if anyone knows of good resources here. The "draw yourself as an animal", etc. prompts I usually happen upon don't really appeal to me.

A huge stumbling block of progress for me over the last several months (or even years) has been an increase in dissociation and a total lack of emotional response. This is extremely hard on me and, understandably, even harder for my wife. It comes across like I just don't care. The truth is, while I do care and logically feel terrible guilt and shame for a large array of things, it is hard to connect to this remorse on an emotional level. This makes real growth extremely difficult. I feel like a robot… As if I am a hollow shell; dead inside.

@iaccus: I am sorry to hear of your shared struggles with anger and wish you success in your journey, as well.

@Chris4TheMill: Thank you very much for all of your suggestions and kind words. I will most definitely consider PMing you in the future (if the offer still stands).

@JamesM: Even though the pain and trauma you experienced differs from my own, I understand what you are saying. I, too, suffer from the pain caused in my youth—pain that stole my childhood from me. As a consequence, I always felt older than I was. Not out of maturity but the struggle that prevented me from relating to others around me; the pain that made me feel a lack of innocence and robbed me the ability to experience simple joy.

When I try to think about my past—what has happened—there are huge lapses of memory. Blank periods. That, and extreme sadness. I know what happened to me was not my fault, but at the same time I struggle to believe that I didn't somehow deserve it; that I wasn't somehow worthy of better. And the anger boils up not when I think about these things (because I struggle to connect to these events with anything but sadness) but instead to close, intimate relationships (my wife). It is as if the act of intimacy and letting her in past the walls I have put up in fear and anger all these years is an enormous trigger to my vulnerabilities. Admittedly, this is likely due to the enormous amount of mistakes and wrongs I have committed over the years in my relationship with her—things that make me feel guilt and shame, helpless and childish. Growing up, even as a child, I never thought I would live past 25 and I accepted that. Now that I have exceeded that, I feel as though I have never spent these years actually alive but rather going through the motions: distracted and dissociated.

@CelloL: I don't know if you meant to but your reply gave me a smile. Thank you for that. And at the same time, I am sorry for all those broken objects that may (or may not) need replacing all the time.

@KMCINVA: Thank you for your words. Learning to show myself compassion is crucial to a healthier life, I know, and yet, it is so difficult for me to exercise. I have grown up never liking myself nor feeling loved. This is largely due to having experienced neglect by alcoholic parents (preventing me from ever experiencing coping skills and a healthy foundation even before any sexual trauma occurred). Do you have any tips for me to try, such as particular statements you repeat or think about? It was only recently that I learned of CPTSD and common traumas shared by children of alcoholic parents.

@dark empathy: Thank you for sharing you experiences and honest words. I hope things become easier for you. I am very happy to hear you have found love and support in your significant other.

@BDD and @GeneDebs: Thank you for your input. I have started to practice some of these techniques after I first read about them in a book on Dialectical Behavioural Therapy and I will add your suggestions to my mental list. Mindfulness is an extremely undervalued skill—one I never even considered possessing, never mind lacking, growing up.

I am blessed to have a wife who has been more understanding and compassionate than I could ever imagine. Any understanding I have of my issues and traumas has been due to the support she gives me. At this point, my greatest struggle is dissociation, which has been preventing my connecting to feelings and emotions both in terms of the past and present, while at the same time allowing residual anger seeping into my life in unexpected and extremely toxic ways (such as being abusive, making my wife and family feel taken for granted, being checked out, etc.). I am allowing my past to dictate my behaviour and, as a result, it is destroying my marriage and my family. I will do everything I can to fix this.

And I promise to be better and keeping up with replies here.

Thank you, everyone.

 

[LoneWolfX]

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[SubtleStuff]

Hi Ploni,

I have on many, many occasions exploded with anger and directed it at her (my wife)...

I had a similar problem with the woman I married. It took me a long time to see that what I was looking for in her was never overtly addressed. I was looking for the needs of an infant and was getting a more sexualized connection. The disconnect was intensely frustrating for me and yet completely baffling at the same time as I was unaware, at the time, of early childhood trauma and later sexual abuse in myself.

I wanted to ask those of you with anger issues how you deal with it and cope with these emotions? Do you have any advice on learning how to connect with buried anger and directing it in a healthy, appropriate way?

I've used a number of techniques to express it which have all had temporarily satisfying results (going to the forest and smashing dead wood, molding clay and then stabbing it, using gibberish etc...). More recently I've been asking myself (am I in pain?) It usually takes me a few moments to admit that I'm hurting and then to explore why that might be happening. If I get the sense that the pain is unavoidable, I simply accept what it is like to experience this state. If it is imposed on me by someone else, I work on protecting myself.

I hope this helps.

Cheers,

S

 

[CelloL]

Hi Ploni,

I'm glad my comment made you smile but I was stating my situation. I'm prone to depression, anxiety, and phobias. And I regret destroying the personal cooler a few days ago after I tripped over it the third time in a few minutes. Wasn't feeling well and that object seemed to be abusing me. Although focused on the task at hand, why couldn't I have simply picked it up? Often I have a constant level of anger under the surface when I'm alone --anger at those who hurt me and at times I curse those whose voices won't shut up in my head. And I have anger at God for all the times I pleaded to him for mercy such as when I was especially terrorized by phobias and panic attacks and my world was shrinking from all the situations I was avoiding. One thing I do is frequently try to make funny comments, like dad jokes and puns. If I can be funny maybe I can push away depression, anger, hurt, and fear.

 

[Duckie]

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[Duckie]

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[Duckie]

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