How do we stop this?

How do we stop this?
S

survive75

Registrant
I saw Mystic River last night. I was ok after I saw it, but I think now it's starting to hit me. And then I just read a post that got me thinking... how much longer is this going to go on? How much longer are we going to have to watch children, teens, women, men be sexually assaulted, victimized, and exploited? Is there ever going to be an end? How do we start working toward that? It doesn't seem good enough to put the band-aid on the problem - help the survivors after the fact, raise awareness, etc. That's not ending this problem.

The movie dealt with how this sort of things affects you forever - I don't want anyone to have to deal with this for a minute, let alone for the rest of their lives. I don't know... I'm feeling so angry at our society, our justice system, our ability to pass these things off as no big deal or that it doesn't happen that much or that kids get over it. Because the truth is, it happens all the time and you never get over it. You may learn to cope, be honest, be functional - but it's always going to have happened to you.

So my question is, what needs to happen to make this stop someday? I sit here in my office, working on marketing projects for shit people don't need, when there are kids right now being molested, raped, beaten, abducted. Made to feel they are bad or worthless or unlovable or responsible for their own abuse. Having their sexuality fucked with and know that they will have to deal with what I am going through when they grow up... nightmares, flashbacks, intimacy issues, fears, repressed anger, confusion, hurt... the million residual issues that we have to deal with in addition to having had to live through the original abuse. Salt on the wound, brothers.

I want to stop this from happening to anyone again. How do we stop this? How do I stop this?
 
I don't really know if there IS a way to stop this. It is in the genes of some people to do evil things. Others use the "I-had-it-done-to-me-so-it's-okay-to-do-this-to-someone-else" approach. It's damn hard to imagine this, I know, but it's true.

The only thing we can do as individuals and as a society is to begin teaching our children about self-worth. That they are loved and can go to any responable adult if they have a problem. Give them the skills to stand up and say "no" when anyone screws with them. At the same time, they need to know that it's NEVER okay, EVER, to hurt someone else. Especially to make themselves feel better or to improve their self-worth. They need to understand the hurt they do when they act out, and how to find more positive ways to express themselves.

As far as the legal system goes, we need to really get serious about helping those who want to be helped and making sure that those who do not, or will not get help, never have the chance to do that again. For "minor" offenses, I support mandatory treatment, inpatient and intensive, with a MINIMUM of twenty years probation. For multiple-violators or "violent" offenders not involving murder, a one-strike approach with MANDATORY jail-time and treatment plus LIFETIME probation probably would be the best. The trick is to do it all the time.

I don't know, the answers seem to come from the direction of treatment and jail, rather than stopping it altogether. Sad? Yes, but certainly one way of preventing it.

Peace, my brother. You have a good heart.

Scot
 
I'm afraid that, sadly, there will always be an element of evil in this world. It will never stop. There are those out there who have compulsions that we'll never be able to understand. There are people out there who act on those compulsions and never get caught, allowing them to repeat the process over and over. It's a matter of weakness and an attempt to have control over those who are weaker. There will always be that element in society. An element that has no concern for the damage they inflict, for the pain they cause, no matter how severe or far-reaching. Not as long as they know that they will get some gratification from it. Scot is right, teach your children now how to act, how to treat others. That, of course, is important. But most of our children won't be mean and vicous predators. The problem will never go away. Hold your children close. Protect them with all you've got. Be aware, constantly, of who they're with and where they are. It's unfortunate, but we cannot trust with a blind eye, not priests, not teachers, not neighbors or coaches or scout masters and on and on. It's up to us to protect children, whether ours or someone else's. Be vigialant, be aware and watch for the terrorists of the soul, the abductors of childhood.
 
I think that the answer is education and open communication. Being sexually abused is not a insignificant thing, it never was and never will be. The majority of the public think that it is a rare occurance, that it doesn't happen to anyone they know. The facts state otherwise. What is it, one in four girls and one in six boys have unwanted sexual experience by the time they're eighteen! That means that in a room of twenty-four people, half women and half men, there could be three women and two men who have been sexually abused. We're all out there, we're just not vocal, it's not something that I personally want to talk about with just anybody. There are plenty of people out there who just don't get it and just want to hide their heads in the sand.

In a perfect world I would have been more self-confident and self-assured kid so that I felt comfortable talking to my parents when the abuse first occurred when I was eleven. But that was not the case. If I was a confident and self-assured young boy I probably wouldn't have been targeted. I wouldn't have been what that guy was after. The world has to know that there are evil people out there who target vulnerable children. If those children are fortunate enough to survive they grow up living with the scars of the abuse for the rest of their lives, dealing, coping and hopefully healing. But never forgetting....

That's my rant and I'm proud of it,

Steve
 
Survive75
a good question, and there's some good points raised in the answers.

I don't think anything will stop the problem now, and possibly the problem has always existed and has raised the same questions throughout history.

What we can do is what Stephen, Scot and Sinking have already mentioned in one way or another. Educate people.

The charity I work for in the UK has seen over 3,000 survivors of both sexes, and the woman who founded it has seen all of them for initial assessment. And she states that without exception she has yet to see a CSA victim come through the doors who is from a good stable family who share their problems and emotions.
Abuse happens to the children of these families for sure, but they deal with it within the family.

The children KNOW they can tell their parents without fear of being ridiculed or not being believed. They KNOW they will receive love, comfort and support. Most of us here weren't in that position, we had to wait to find people who would provide that for us.

So what can we do ?
"Educate, educate and educate" we have to spread the word until CSA is a normal thing for discussion amongst kids, and normal, decent adults. Only then will the kids realise that it's wrong ( which I think we all did ? ) and more importantly TELL SOMEONE !

So my question is, what needs to happen to make this stop someday? I sit here in my office, working on marketing projects for shit people don't need, when there are kids right now being molested, raped, beaten, abducted.
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Marketing. What a skill !
The CSA Survivors movement needs publicity, the publics awareness has to raised. So why not offer your skills to a local Rape Crisis Centre or a Survivors Group ? If you can advertise soap, hamburgers, automobiles or whatever - you can raise awareness for Survivors, and more importantly, those that will surely follow us.

Dave
 
Everyone agrees that education is the answer. I think it should be taught in the schools beginning with kindergarten and going all the way through high school. There might be curriculum out there already. My daughter had some instruction about adults inappropriately touching children in her Ohio elementary school. However, obviously it's not universal. The development of age appropriate curriculum might be a project that MS, perhaps in conjunction with other groups, might want to someday undertake.

Mary
 
Survive--go to missinkids.com or org, not sure. It is the web site of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Kids. They are doing great stuff, they have excellent free material (first 50 copies are free).

Many school districts use the GOOD TOUCH BAD TOUCH Program. It is excellent.

There is a lot going on, but there will always be the problem that perps know how to pick their victims and how to make sure they do not talk. But, don't look at it as hopeless because lots of good stuff is happening and more will continue to happen.

Bob
 
I guess for me your signature says it all: "It is better to build strong children than to mend broken men."

For me though, building strong children is not as easy as one would think. I think everyone has valid suggestions above, but I think it goes deeper than that. I mean, I remember my mother getting me coloring books about saying no to "bad touches" etc. and this was while the abuse was going on. I don't think kids are clear on what constitutes abuse, what is normal, what is attention, etc. When I think back to that time in my life, I don't know if I even had the vocabulary to tell even if I thought I was supposed to or could.

I'm not willing to chalk it up to "evil" because that is too easy, and as difficult as it is for survivors to admit, I'm sure that most abusers abuse not out of "evil" but most likely our abusers were mistreated too. So, it is sort of the cliche "chicken or the egg" dilemma. How do we empower children so they do not abuse as teens or adults and how do we treat the abusers so they stop abusing?

Sorry... still angry and raging today. I feel out of control of what happens in the world and I want to fix it.

-Sean
 
It is interesting question you bring up. I think of when, in my country, people started talking more of AIDS, and how 'education is the cure', that if people are educated enough of it, it will not happen. Well, people in Russia still get AIDS, just as they do in USA, Africa, and every other continent, despite of education.

So is talking more of this, educating people about it, the answer to fixing it? To stopping it? I wish it is that easy.

I am afraid my opinion is rather negative and depressing of this. But I really do not feel there is way to stop it. As long as human beings exist on this earth, there will be human evil, and some of that will be evidenced by this kind of behavior. We can only hope that good people, decent people, will be recognizing of the effects of it, and help those who are in pain.

I am sorry I do not have better thoughts to offer.

Oh, and I needed to respond to something else you said, Sean. It is not to pick at you, please do not be offended. But you mentioned something about how most abusers do not abuse out of evil, but because they were mistreated also. I really can not feel that way of the person who abused me. I can not believe that the person who did all that to me is not evil. It all was too bad, and to think that maybe he just was acting because someone had hurt him, that is too hard to me. It takes responsibility off him somehow, and make me feel more guilty.

leosha
 
Not to shoot a hole in your sails, buddy, but... BOO-HOO the abusers were mistreated themselves. We were ALL mistreated. That's why were here. I don't abuse others. I can't imagine anyone who knows what this pain feels like to want to inflict on someone else and pass the suffering like a most foul doobie. Unless of course, they are...what's that that word? Ah yes...EVIL! Yes, when you rape someone, when you abuse someone, you have committed an evil act that is not justified for any goddamned reason. It is not understandable, or forgivable. They're Satan's Little Helper's as far as I'm concerned.
 
How do you change anything?

One step at a time I think. First, take care of yourself. Then, start finding the little immediate things you can help with, a few hours of volunteer work a week with an appropriate agency, attending group meetings to help yourself and others, etc.

Looking at a problem globally is bound to be daunting. How can one person change everything forever?

If you want to think of it as evil, I'm not about to argue. It helps me to remember that while evil is not done away with, good exists, too. Goodness and hope is something we all can create.

B.
 
Jeff
When I read your reply, I had to check your age out on your profile. And I was right, you're not that much younger than me.

But I do know that for a long time after my parents told me about sex, I measured EVERY sexual reference I heard against the details my parents shared with me. Whenever I heard a detail or situation that was not in my parents' descriptions, I went to extremes in my interpretation.
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And this is just the kind of interpretation of sex I ended up with, for very similar reasons.
Our parent's were of a generation that feared sex, never talked about sex, and in 'theory' only used sex to procreate.
What were the chances of anything they told us about sex being relevent to the 60's and 70's ?
Pretty slim I'd say.

Dave
 
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