How do I take this all in?

How do I take this all in?
K

Kieran1

Registrant
I seem to be very overwhelmed at the moment.With work,a family,and now all this happening.I feel a little adrift right now.It's hard to put down in words,but there seems to be a gap now in my life. Like somethings missing? I realize that I have gone through hell(it sure feels like it!),and have been kind of "beaten up" so to speak. Still,there's a part of me that seems to be drifting away from reality.Where are these weird feelings coming from? Does this make any sense? I can't seem to put my finger on it,but again it feels like I lack a focus. Why am I feeling that somethings missing? What's missing. I realize that all of this is questions may sound like I am coming from another planet. What a downer right now.

Your friend Kieran,(someone get back to me OK?)
 
KIERAN1,

Its time to give your therapist a call. I would do it tonight. I dont recall if you are seeing one or not.

The "a part of me that seems to be drifting away from reality", is because, like u said, your feeling overwhelmed. The part that is missing, might be....Clarity, which is kind of the opposite of overwhelmed.

I would also suggest that you write in a journal. Just write. Dont be concerned about structure, grammer or content. Writing will help you to vent, organize the million thoughts cramed in your mind, vent, vent, express yorself-even if it doesn't make sence, or feels strange.

If you have confided in someone else, give them a call. You may not need to go into detail, but you can express FEELINGS.

Write here some more. Perhaps send a note to someone on this forum, & include the details if you feel you need to get them out.

Kieran1, U R not alone. We care about you. We want U to be safe...Happy...alive and well...and free of your torment.

Blacken
 
Still,there's a part of me that seems to be drifting away from reality.Where are these weird feelings coming from? Does this make any sense? I can't seem to put my finger on it,but again it feels like I lack a focus. Why am I feeling that somethings missing? What's missing. I realize that all of this is questions may sound like I am coming from another planet. What a downer right now.
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Kieran, I think I'm from that same "other planet"
you're from--Planet Survivor!
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My friend, the way we've been traumatized, no wonder we feel like we're drifting away from reality. Sometimes, I want to! Sometimes, reality bites!
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Hey, I can't put my finger on it either. But I can feel it, I know it. Something is missing. The trauma of SA puts a hole in my soul. Yes I know positive relationships & recovery can fill it, and make life fuller than ever. And I'm working on that.

But sometimes it's like...

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"Beam me up, Scotty!"

Victor
 
Kieran:
That fact that you have feelings, no matter how unsettling or uncomfortable or strange they may be, I think is a positive sign. Sure you are a little out of touch with reality. But what was the reality you have lived with. Not a pleasant one, right. Then in a fury of activity you sort of came out to all the right people, your wonderful wife, us and a good T. It is totally unreal from past experiences isnt it. And my Brother that is a good thing. It means that you are trying to find a new and better reality. At least that is my take on it. Think about it in this light. Man you are on unchartered water from that which you are used to. Just remember you are no longer on your own. You have a team behind you.
I also think it would be a good time to contact your T and discuss it with him.
 
Kieran
What you're feeling, and I guess we all go through it, is different.

The old you is no longer what you want and the new you is muscling in. But the old you is putting up a fight.
There's a whole mess of new feelings and emotions storming around, stuff you never knew existed probably, and it's a strange feeling.

But it's a good one, because it's the new you winning the fight.

Dave.
 
Hi Kieran1, it is good of you to talk to us about your confusion and stress just now. Thanks for that. It helps us to know what others experience, even if we have no idea of how to help or give answers.

This would be my take on your situation today. You have been shattered. But now, you are becoming aware of that shattering and it's effect. The strong inner person you are is pushing you to INTEGATE you person. You are coming to know yourself better than you ever have. Sure, putting a shattered life back together again is a chore. That is why only guys like us can do it.

Kieran. I have known many a man, and woman, who had never had any trauma like we have--but they can't see that they are shattered, and they would not know what integrating themselves is, if it ran into them.

It is fun to ask adolescents what it means to be human. They give all kinds of answers--and I give them a few over the years myself.

One thing that makes a human, in my opion is that humans are self-determinig. We know lots of stuff and we have lots of questions. But you and only you can determine what kind of human you want to be.

I could say some thing about you on that topic--but you need to think aboout that on your own. A dog can't determine what kind of dog he will be. Sometimes, so called ornery dogs, like pit bulls, can be most gentle and loving because they were raised that way. But they can't do it, they can't decide, and they have no idea of what it is to be a dog--"they just are". We don't have to "ust be". WE can determine it and I think you are in the process of further determining who you are as a human. It's an exciting journey--ENJOY!

Bob
 
Kieran,

I felt the same way for a time. "things are missing". "what's missing???"

Events like starting working with a T and disclosing to your wife don't just make you feel "beaten up". They also release a lot of the pressure and stress we kept on ouselves for so long to make sure no one ever found out

After these types of events, I felt absence, emptiness, gaps.

The absolute need to be 100% guarded, 100% of the time - gone.

The fear that someone would find out - gone.

The idea that I was all alone - gone.

The belief that nothing could be done, nothing would help - gone.

These were decades old feelings and ideas for me. Without them, or with them getting smaller, it felt like gaps and emptiness.

The focus of my being was no longer just self-protection, secrecy, coping.

After a while, this feels more like relief and freedom, rather than emptiness or gaps or a lack.

Then it takes time to adjust to the relief and the freedoms.

That's how it's working for me. It's not a drifting away from reality, it's seeing it from a new perspective; a much bigger and better perspective.

Donald
 
Bob
Sure, putting a shattered life back together again is a chore. That is why only guys like us can do it.
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Thank you for that.

Dave
 
Though I didn't write the initial post here, I have had the same feeling as of late, I just didn't know how to articulate it. Even today, an incredibly good day, I feel as though something intangible is missing.

For years I simply have "just been." There was nothing more to it. And the fact that there is feeling in me changes everything. Don described the following:

The absolute need to be 100% guarded, 100% of the time - gone.

The fear that someone would find out - gone.

The idea that I was all alone - gone.

The belief that nothing could be done, nothing would help - gone.

Man, that is so accurate for me. And I'm totally in uncharted water, so I have no idea where to go or how to find whatever I'm missing.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, just rambling again, but thanks for replying to Kieran, 'cuz it sure applied to me as well.
 
ECB: If the truth were known my brother I think that it applies to all of us. We are uncomfortable with the unknown. Isnt that the shits. Comfortable with the way it was!!! NEVER AGAIN will I say that.
 
Dean,thanks for your advice,and thanks to the rest of you out there that I can call my brothers in this.Yesterday I went to my therapist and the session was quite a bit different from the last two. I explained my feelings of "lost moorings" and the emptiness that I have been experiencing. Somehow, this led to anger,lots of it,towards my abuser and some at myself.I talked about how,although I was terrified after each experience,during the molestation I had enjoyed it.But, the therapist explained the fact that is what a pedophile wants you to do,and he can somehow rely on that to continue the abuse.You know what he is doing is wrong but,in the back of your mind you say to yourself(I was of course only 12 and extremely naive)that is this normal? Does this happen to other kids? He even had me believe that it was OK for guys to "do it".So,from my standpoint being a young kid I did not have any previous experiences or knowledge that it happened between other boys and men.My therapist and began to break this apart piece by piece,and compare what I believed then and what I believe now.How am I doing? Let me know where I'm at,I'm anxious to know other's thoughts on this.

Your Friend,Kieran
 
Kieran: You got it right my brother. What did you know when that pervert was doing his thing. It must be ok. And dont forget we all wanted to so desperately to belong to the older group. Sure it felt good and sure they play on that. My god you were 12 years old and entering or newly arrived at puberty. I think I said somewhere that to a you boy a raging hard on is a joy to hold (his own). Anger you bet and that is a good thing. Not at yourself Brother but at that asshole. You got it all right and your therapist sounds to be first rate. Patient and caring too.
Now I want you to do me a favour. Read my post on Theft. After that, each and every day, I want you to do something for yourself to make you feel good. That little man inside you deserves to come out of the dark and have some fun. As a matter of fact we should start a whole section titled What I did for the two me's today that was good and fun or great.
Keep it up cause my brother you are moving from survivor to WINNER and that helps us all.
 
Kieran1: Thank you for sharing and starting this post. What I have learned from your sharing and the responses to your post has been tremendous. I too, have recently started to talk about my sexual abuse history.

First, I spoke up here, for the first time in my life sharing my deepest darkest guilt-producing secrets. Secondly, I found and talked to a therapist (we have now had 4 sessions together). Next, I told my girlfriend (we have been together 9 years and I have never told her anything before this). She was so supportive. She said, "Honey, I knew that there was something wrong, but I didn't know it was "that." Thank you for telling me. I love you." Wow! What freedom I experienced then.

Now lately I have been talking to people about the need for public awareness, especially in the light of the recent scandals of the Catholic Church. Let's face it, this isn't exclusive to the Catholic Church, any church or organization where adults are supervising children and young men has experienced this. Their "scandals" just haven't hit the fan, yet.

I want to thank Blacken, Victor, Mike, Dave, Bob, Don and ecb for your replies here. I have received such comfort and good advice from your replies. Our experiences do blend together and produce an abundant source of help for all of us here. Thanks for your support. Sincerely, Jess.
 
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