How do I move on from here

[CaptnRoberts]

(for context, my ex is my abuser)
It happened about a year ago now, and I have progressed to the point where I can function semi-normally again. However, there's still a bunch of other underlying problems that I dont know how to deal with. Im still struggling with anxiety around people, I cant sleep without being competely alone, Ive tried to get back into dating. Still, whenever I start to get close with someone, I just get so afraid and end up pushing them away. I've just been socially isolating myself because I'm so scared of being hurt, and I don't know how to move on or handle things. If you guys know anything that would help, that would be amazing. I currently can't access therapy, so any help means the world.

 

[Sossity]

Firstly hello and welcome to this safe place. I am sorry you are going through this, reading between the lines my first thought would be, time creates space, it does not create healing. It sounds to me that you still have a deal of processing and healing to do to be able to move beyond these barriers to recovery. These are common issues for survivors, although specific they are also issues born from your trauma and the betrayal you experienced. If you do not already have one, a trauma skilled Therapist should be able to help you unpack this and I would suggest someone who is skilled in EMDR would be a good place to start.

After the trauma of abuse we can quickly put things away, like putting dirty washing away in a draw, but if we want to use those cloths again at some point we need to take them out and wash them properly. And so it is with the mind, we can pack, ignore and suppress trauma, but it will sit there and impact on areas of our life, until we unpack it, process it, and put it away properly.

I am glade you have found this place we are here and will walk with you on your journey.

May you find piece, my you find comfort and may you find love.

 

[LittleSteve]

After the trauma of abuse we can quickly put things away, like putting dirty washing away in a draw, but if we want to use those cloths again at some point we need to take them out and wash them properly. And so it is with the mind, we can pack, ignore and suppress trauma, but it will sit there and impact on areas of our life, until we unpack it, process it, and put it away properly.

I have to echo this in the most serious way. The tendons we have is to wanna just put this away and not think about it and not deal with it and just try and move on with our lives. Our brains actually don’t work that way it continues to affect us Just for an example in my case. I put it away for almost 60 years, but it impacted my life the whole time. I know you mentioned you don’t have access to therapy at least right now. I’d really recommend that it’s helped me in so many ways.

I’m sorry you’re here and for the reason that you’re here, but this is a safe place. I hope you can find some healing here and you’re off to a good start being able to share your story can help things in so many ways. You were heard

 

[CaptnRoberts]

I have to echo this in the most serious way. The tendons we have is to wanna just put this away and not think about it and not deal with it and just try and move on with our lives. Our brains actually don’t work that way it continues to affect us Just for an example in my case. I put it away for almost 60 years, but it impacted my life the whole time. I know you mentioned you don’t have access to therapy at least right now. I’d really recommend that it’s helped me in so many ways.

I’m sorry you’re here and for the reason that you’re here, but this is a safe place. I hope you can find some healing here and you’re off to a good start being able to share your story can help things in so many ways. You were heard

thank you so much it means a lot

 

[LittleSteve]

One thing I could suggest they have a library here with quite a few books listed some of these books can be incredibly helpful. I’ve read a few different books and just seeing yourself in the stories that the books detail and the explanations that explain why we act the way we do why we feel the way we do can help you start to understand what’s going on with you. I know you don’t have access to therapy right now is and I’m assuming you mean individual therapy a lot of time there are groups and you might be able to make some connection there that might be an option for you I don’t know if there are groups nearby that you might be able to connect with. The other thing is there are some national hotlines. There might be some resources available at a low or no cost basis depends upon where you live and what kind of groups and stuff are available but some of that type of resource would be certainly worth checking out. But I can tell you I’ve read a few books that I’ve really helped me and some of the guys here have really recommended different books depending upon kind of more precisely what your situation is I would take a look through there and see if there’s something that jumps out at you and it might give you a starting place at least .

 

[CaptnRoberts]

One thing I could suggest they have a library here with quite a few books listed some of these books can be incredibly helpful. I’ve read a few different books and just seeing yourself in the stories that the books detail and the explanations that explain why we act the way we do why we feel the way we do can help you start to understand what’s going on with you. I know you don’t have access to therapy right now is and I’m assuming you mean individual therapy a lot of time there are groups and you might be able to make some connection there that might be an option for you I don’t know if there are groups nearby that you might be able to connect with. The other thing is there are some national hotlines. There might be some resources available at a low or no cost basis depends upon where you live and what kind of groups and stuff are available but some of that type of resource would be certainly worth checking out. But I can tell you I’ve read a few books that I’ve really helped me and some of the guys here have really recommended different books depending upon kind of more precisely what your situation is I would take a look through there and see if there’s something that jumps out at you and it might give you a starting place at least .

ill give them a look. thank you for the help

 

[Kintsugi]

Captives, glad you are here and reaching out. Trauma is not something to face alone and I hope you are able to connect with a trusted member here. Even if you cannot find therapy right now, a friend who can relate to your suffering may help give some momentum to your healing journey.

I’m not sure if you have already shared, but could you share what happened with your ex? Only if you are comfortable.

 

[CaptnRoberts]

Sure i do apologize if im a bit vague. My ex and i started dateing about 2.5 years ago and for the first few months everything was fine the first red flag was that he would constantly grope me and make sexual comments about my body. I stayed though and things got worse during our anniversary date where I was sick so i asked if we could not have sex thst night. He got very angry, slapped me and yelled about how i had lead him on and how i hated him. This went on for several minutes before i just gave up and gave him what he wanted. it was also at this point that he began to isolate me from my friends and family. he continued the same routinecif i said no and along with that if i refused and then gave in he would be more violent, Slapping, punching, and choking me. I stopped refusing after a bit just dissociating and going limp. The worst of it happened about a year ago when I had just finished a exam and i was extremely sick and tired and my ex wanted to have sex and I said no and he did his ussual song and dance but i just snapped and said no and went to go take a nap. I woke up to him using me. after he was done I just went back to sleep. he repeated this almost every night we slept in the same place. After a few months I got the courage to talk to a close friend about what was happening and they helped me get the courage to leave him. Ive been trying to work through a lot of this on my own right now as my friend also has a lot of their own issues. I did struggle with any form of socilization or really leaving home at all for a bit but ive been able to get through those feelings through just exposing myself to those fears. Ive been able to get to the point where i can function normally for the most part.

 

[Kintsugi]

CaptnRoberts, thank you for sharing your story. My heart breaks for how you were treated. I am so glad you have found this site. I am new too (I have visited before but didn’t involve myself in the discussions). I am struck by the powerlessness of your circumstance as an adult and my own as a child. Your share brought me back to my own experiences. The abuse is the same—violent, violating, and vile. I know it sounds weird to say, but I’m glad to walk with you on this healing journey. Together we are not alone (another stupid statement, but it’s how I feel).

 

[Kintsugi]

I hope you are in a safe place now and trusted friends who are loving you well.

 

[LittleSteve]

Yes, and just so there’s no mistake. You do belong here 100% what was happened to you is called rape. He was violent abuse you any rape you. I’m glad you seem to be recovering and I hope coming here and reading some of the stories and talking with the guys can help you further. You had a extremely difficult time and I’m glad you were able to get out of that situation. Hopefully here you can start on your healing journey.

 

[Kintsugi]

Yes, and just so there’s no mistake. You do belong here 100% what was happened to you is called rape. He was violent abuse you any rape you. I’m glad you seem to be recovering and I hope coming here and reading some of the stories and talking with the guys can help you further. You had an extremely difficult time and I’m glad you were able to get out of that situation. Hopefully here you can start on your healing journey.

Well said!!!! You definitely are part of this tribe.

 

[LittleSteve]

And the reason I said that first off is because you are and second off a lot of times guys don’t realize they belong here and they minimize what happened to them. I think that they can just put it away and forget about it and move on. Unfortunately, that never works. You can do it for a while, but it’ll start coming back out in different ways. The best way is the way you’re starting is to learn about what’s happening talk about it, and you should also consider therapy with a trauma aware of therapist specializes in sexual abuse. I know a lot of people can be adverse to therapy or think it won’t benefit them, but in this case Because this was so violent, it can be extremely difficult to handle on your own and therapy can can really make a difference, especially if it’s done soon after. The longer you wait that length of time can increase the difficulty in dealing with it because what we do is we create Adaptations behaviors to soothe ourselves and try and get over it and a lot of those times they’re not helpful. Something to think about, but it could make all the difference for you.

 

[Sossity]

Sure i do apologize if im a bit vague. My ex and i started dateing about 2.5 years ago and for the first few months everything was fine the first red flag was that he would constantly grope me and make sexual comments about my body. I stayed though and things got worse during our anniversary date where I was sick so i asked if we could not have sex thst night. He got very angry, slapped me and yelled about how i had lead him on and how i hated him. This went on for several minutes before i just gave up and gave him what he wanted. it was also at this point that he began to isolate me from my friends and family. he continued the same routinecif i said no and along with that if i refused and then gave in he would be more violent, Slapping, punching, and choking me. I stopped refusing after a bit just dissociating and going limp. The worst of it happened about a year ago when I had just finished a exam and i was extremely sick and tired and my ex wanted to have sex and I said no and he did his ussual song and dance but i just snapped and said no and went to go take a nap. I woke up to him using me. after he was done I just went back to sleep. he repeated this almost every night we slept in the same place. After a few months I got the courage to talk to a close friend about what was happening and they helped me get the courage to leave him. Ive been trying to work through a lot of this on my own right now as my friend also has a lot of their own issues. I did struggle with any form of socilization or really leaving home at all for a bit but ive been able to get through those feelings through just exposing myself to those fears. Ive been able to get to the point where i can function normally for the most part.

That is so brave of you, thank you for sharing your experience with us and trusting us with your truth. As Littlesteve said, these are crimes against your person and are real.

I am so glade you have created distance from him, and please never let him near you again, there can be no recovery for your relationship from this level of betrayal. So if he pushes lock it and do not respond to him in any way. I sure you already know this, but so may people make the mistake letting them back in, it never ends well.

Recovery will take time and as I said before, you will need support with this, where you live is there a Rape Crisis Center or Victim Support Service, these should be able to help you or at least point you I the right direction. If you were in the UK I would able able to find a local service for you, but I am sure their will be a charity take could help.

Re connecting with your old friends and family will help to normalise your day to day. None specific EMDR could help with you anxiety and emotional swings, there are some good videos on YouTube, just search for self EMDR and find one that suits.

Give your self time and be kind to yourself and acknowledge what a great job you have done to get free of this person. That takes real courage, well done. Please don’t let this one person stop you from trusting person and potential partners, afterall you know know some the behavioural red flags, allow people to earn your trust, it is not something they can take or that should easily given.

As you have seen we are pleased you have found this place, if you need us we are here.

 

[CaptnRoberts]

That is so brave of you, thank you for sharing your experience with us and trusting us with your truth. As Littlesteve said, these are crimes against your person and are real.

I am so glade you have created distance from him, and please never let him near you again, there can be no recovery for your relationship from this level of betrayal. So if he pushes lock it and do not respond to him in any way. I sure you already know this, but so may people make the mistake letting them back in, it never ends well.

Recovery will take time and as I said before, you will need support with this, where you live is there a Rape Crisis Center or Victim Support Service, these should be able to help you or at least point you I the right direction. If you were in the UK I would able able to find a local service for you, but I am sure their will be a charity take could help.

Re connecting with your old friends and family will help to normalise your day to day. None specific EMDR could help with you anxiety and emotional swings, there are some good videos on YouTube, just search for self EMDR and find one that suits.

Give your self time and be kind to yourself and acknowledge what a great job you have done to get free of this person. That takes real courage, well done. Please don’t let this one person stop you from trusting person and potential partners, afterall you know know some the behavioural red flags, allow people to earn your trust, it is not something they can take or that should easily given.

As you have seen we are pleased you have found this place, if you need us we are here.

thank you so much im not the best with words but I cant thank you enought.

 

[CaptnRoberts]

And the reason I said that first off is because you are and second off a lot of times guys don’t realize they belong here and they minimize what happened to them. I think that they can just put it away and forget about it and move on. Unfortunately, that never works. You can do it for a while, but it’ll start coming back out in different ways. The best way is the way you’re starting is to learn about what’s happening talk about it, and you should also consider therapy with a trauma aware of therapist specializes in sexual abuse. I know a lot of people can be adverse to therapy or think it won’t benefit them, but in this case Because this was so violent, it can be extremely difficult to handle on your own and therapy can can really make a difference, especially if it’s done soon after. The longer you wait that length of time can increase the difficulty in dealing with it because what we do is we create Adaptations behaviors to soothe ourselves and try and get over it and a lot of those times they’re not helpful. Something to think about, but it could make all the difference for you.

Thank you so much. I should be able to get therapy within the next few years, depending on how things go as my current issue is more financial than anything else, and I've been trying to focus on not letting it change my behavior and life too much. Ill try to get therapy as soon as I can, though.

 

[CaptnRoberts]

CaptnRoberts, thank you for sharing your story. My heart breaks for how you were treated. I am so glad you have found this site. I am new too (I have visited before but didn’t involve myself in the discussions). I am struck by the powerlessness of your circumstance as an adult and my own as a child. Your share brought me back to my own experiences. The abuse is the same—violent, violating, and vile. I know it sounds weird to say, but I’m glad to walk with you on this healing journey. Together we are not alone (another stupid statement, but it’s how I feel).

Thank you, I'm so glad I found this place and all of Ya'll. It feels nice not to be going at it all alone for once.