How do I let this go : Trauma related to abandonment..

Bowierocks

Registrant
The trauma of having been in an auto accident at 2am on a rainy highway , side swiped by a big Cadillac who was going 90 mph and kept on going while looking desperately for my wife who had absconded with my kid without warning , or a note is still very real .. It was 8 months ago .. I have forgiven her as I love her and although I never, ever intended to scare her , I must have .We had gotten in an argument. . I think it was about how our sex life has been slowing down .. I love sex with my wife. It makes me feel safe and connected and lovable . She ended up stonewalling which is her go to in arguments .. She locked herself in the library of our house which has glass French doors and just won’t talk to me ., I hate that more than anything , as I can see her but I am cut off from her ..

Anyway , I went over the top ..Banged on the door to try and get her to open it .. Pulled a Van Gogh and threatened to cut my ear off and leave it there as I didn’t want to wait around . Yes, I know that’s nuts .. Finally , blew sone ganja smoke under the door which she hates .. Parenthetically, ganja , besides talking to another survivor snaps me out of a triggered state very rapidally. It helps my forebrain come on line , quiet the lizards who are in my limbic system and want a replay of old trauma . I become objective, empathetic , and basically ask myseif without loaded emotion about what I want out of the situation .. The answer is always peace , love and understanding ( just like Elvis Costello sings , ha ha ) .. So I end up letting it all go and just act loving and understanding ..

My behavior the night we argued was over the top . I am deeply ashamed of that as I would never want to harm her , and did not physically harm her. I have never done that and actually am the ‘malleable one’ in the relationship , and am usually fairly quiet and accommodating when my wife gets upset , as I am a kind person ..But I do accept the reality that I must have scared her , which is horrible ..

What still rattles around my head is how I begged my mother in -law that night to just let her know I was in an auto accident , That I love her daughter dearly , and to have her please , please call me .. I was in tears and hysterical .. but I was clear and spoke from the heart. My mother-in-law never told my wife anything .. I did the same with my brother in law , who I considered a close friend .. Same thing - no response or message given to my wife .

I know this is even more explosive and hurtful to me , a survivor , who was abandoned by my parents to be brought up by my physically and sexually abusive much older brothers , than a normal person .. And I know I don’t actually accept the whole concept of being abandoned - I wasn’t left on a doorstep like some . I was a latchkey kid , or a mistake , but a good mistake as my mom told me .. Still , I just read up on abandonment ( I don’t want to be a whimp or blame my parents at all ) , and a lot of research regarding how Gen X is the generation of latchkey kids .. I’m 53 ..

But it just hurts my soul that my in-laws , who I considered a surrogate family for 25 years , would be so inhumane and just let me die on the highway ..I considered them a surrogate family ..My parents died very traffic deaths . My mom died of ALS , or paralysis , 2 weeks before my first child was born .. My dad descended into alcoholism , married a horrible person quickly after my mom died , abd got killed by a crocodile in Africa . My brothers were abusive .. So I felt so relieved that I had a ‘normal family ‘ I could seek refuge with , my wife’s family ..

However , I have come to the conclusion that my in-laws never loved me, the feelings of being safe were all a facade . I was only treated well because I took care of their daughter , bought her a big house , car, had 3 kids , paid off her educational loans etc .When I stopped working due to sudden blindness as a surgeon , and had the trauma of my childhood burst in my face , I’ve been discarded like a half eaten McDonalds Hamburger left in the hot sun beneath a car seat ..

That night when I got in an accident I ended up calling my oldest brother . He just physically abused me , and only sporadically, as he used to protect me from my middle brother , and didn’t really sexually abuse me, as far as I know . Still I stopped trusting him as when I got older he would have psychotic breaks and turn into an absolute monster .. I had him on FaceTime .. I pleaded with him to give her a call .. He wouldn’t , so I got angry and said I would have to do something rash - like drive my car loaded with gas tanks a 100 miles across country to either find her or go up in a fiery ball .. I said it as an angry threat. I wasn’t serious . I am actually terrified of death as it’s the ultimate form of being alone .. Ironically , I have nightmares all the time about dying in a car crash .. My middle brother would refuse to steer and close his eyes all the time when I was the passenger at age 10 , making me take the wheel . I almost steered us into a barrier on the highway once ..

So my brother called the cops .. I got thrown into the worst psychiatric center in the state involuntarily when I tried to tell the police my story .. My brother has been involuntary commited a few times by my dad , who is a physician as am I , so I have a hard time believing it was altruism .. I think he wanted to suffer like he did and he did project a lot of what he doesn’t like about himself on me , and even blocked me for life on his phone when I got out ..
That is , he asked me if I would fill out an internet survey about being narcissistic as he scored on the severe category himself . I told him ‘no’ .. I have had 37 years of psychotherapy and no one has ever come to that conclusion .. I have way to much empathy .. Besides I just got out of a psych hospital and my kids are visiting so I will take a pass .. He got so angry he blocked his phone and said he would never talk to me again ..So that sucked .. Another person to just up and leave me .. I had a long winter of being alone in a rainy seattle in a big house with no job ..

Anyway , sorry this is so long ..

HOW DOES ONE LET GO THE PAIN of BEING SILENCED ?

It drives me absolutely nuts . My wife will often stonewall me by blocking her phone or putting on her headphones and pretending I don’t exist .. I panic and then fly off the handle as I feel manipulated and devalued to the point I don’t exist .. Then I end up apologizing for my behavior and we never address what the problem was in the first place as I am now ‘the problem ‘

BEING SILENCED is the WORST PAIN in the WORLD ..

I’m looking into meditation but if someone has any ideas or can just relate , I would be very grateful . Thank-you ..
 
This is going to sound as though I'm trying to silence you but I'm not. I'm just going to observe that this forum is intended for family members of abuse survivors to talk about THEIR experience. Your story really belongs in the Male Survivor forum where it will get more attention. Not everyone from MS visits this forum. I'd encourage you to ask a moderator to move this thread to a different forum. Hopefully, you'll find the support you seek.
 
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