How Do I Know This? (May Trigger)

Hi Guys:

It's the middle of the night. Andy and I were curled up in bed. He had his arm around my belly, just good old-fashioned snuggling, the kind that only two guys do so well (IMHO).

Then I started having a flashback. I had to push his hand away as though he were hurting me. Oh, I hate that! I hate how my flashbacks sometimes make him feel like he's done something wrong, like he's my abuser. But he's not.

Anyhow, I told him I was sorry. He said there was no need to apologize, he understands. But instead of lying there tossing and turning, I thought I would get up and share with you what I know so far.

How do I know what follows? I don't know really. Somehow I just know this is true. It's like all the flashbacks lately are snippets of a much bigger movie. And I can follow enough of them to see where the movie is heading. Do you know what I mean?

Anyhow, here's what I know so far:

When I was a really little kid, we often doubled up when it came time for bed. Why? Well, my parents didn't always have enough beds for all us kids. They didn't have a lot of money but they had a lot of love. And my parents were products of the depression. Back in the depression (so I hear), total strangers would sometimes bunk 2 or 3 to a bed to save money, and no one thought of it as being unusual. It was just how you got by in tough times.

Besides, me and my little brother Paulie were like twins. Only a year apart, we loved to dress alike and act alike and do everything together. So it was fun when we got to sleep together.

What was not fun was that our older brother sometimes played games when we were sleeping. Or when we were supposed to be sleeping. He would come along and stick his hand in our underpants. And just touch us there. Or poke us.

We didn't like it. We were scared of our brother. But what could we do? Well, that's when we got in the habit of pretending we were asleep. Maybe if we were asleep, he wouldn't hurt us. Well, sometimes we were so good at pretending that we thought it was all a dream in the morning. Just the same we kind of knew it wasn't. And sometimes we would talk about something funny happening in the night. But most of the time, we didn't know what to think. It just felt funny being touched down there.

Sometimes our older brother didn't like it when we were pretending to be asleep. Once, when he was angry with me for faking, he took his hand, put it over my crotch, and dug in his finger nails real hard! Let me tell you--that really hurt.

As I got older, as I started sleeping by myself, my big brother had even more funny ideas. What he did was pick on me when I was sick. Like sick with the measles or chicken pox. I'd be so out of it sometimes at night that I wouldn't even know what was happening. But he would poke me in the belly button or poke around "down there." Like I was his property or something. I didn't like it. Sometimes I would even wake up screaming, saying that someone was in my bedroom. But everyone thought it was just the fever and told me to go back to sleep.

I remember mostly how strange I felt the next day. There I would be in bed, because I was too sick to go to school. And my Mom would be cleaning house, making all sorts of noise and things. How I wanted to tell her! But you know what? She always sounded mad at me. Like I did something very bad. And I think my older brother even told me that I was bad. That Mom didn't love me. Now I know, she wasn't mad at me. She was just banging around the house sometimes, tossing stuff here and there, knocking on this and that, because she hated to clean. She liked to get the cleaning done as fast as she could. But see, I was too little to know that. And all those cleaning noises sounded like she was angry at me. So I never told.

There's more. There's something that happened when I was older. Something that happened when my brother pulled me into bed with him and he was naked. But I don't remember that yet. I just remember being touched in the night when I was sleeping or when I was sick. And telling myself it was all a crazy dream.

Does it sound crazy? To me it kind of does. To me it still seems like one big dream. And like I said, I can't say how I know this. I just do somehow.

Thanks for listening. Maybe now I can get back to sleep with Andy. He really is a great guy for sure. My older brother tried to ruin a lot of things for me. But he didn't ruin that special feeling I have for Andy. And that he has for me.

Well, Goodnight. Goodnight and God bless you!

Jasper

 

Hi Again!

I just woke up. I feel so scared. Why did I post that? I want to delete it. I feel so ashamed for telling it. And a part of me feels like I made it all up. But still I know it's true. How do I know that? How? Seriously, if you have an idea, please let me know. How do I trust memories like that? But even though it all seems like my crazy imagination, still I KNOW!

Please...does any of this make sense?

Jasper

 

[sophiesdad]

Jasper,

It makes perfect sense. We always tend to self-doubt because it is sometimes incomprehensible that someone could be that sick and twisted to do that to us.

One thing that you could ask Andy to do when these things crop up is to actually talk to you. Remind you where you are and who you are with. Remind you that he is someone who would never hurt you and that he is NOT your brother. Remind you that this is only a "body memory" and that something bad like this will never happen again... even if it did, you are an adult now and you have the right to push the hands away and say NO!

I think I remember you saying that there have been times when Andy was in with you at the T's office. Maybe discuss these incidents with the T with Andy there. Your T may have some other suggestions for him to use. You're very lucky to have someone like him to stays with you and is willing to help you through this. AND, if you make him an active part of the process, it will help him to understand even more fully what goes on in your head. Because, if you are even a little bit like me, I tend to keep everything locked up inside and my wife has to play a guessing game of "How does he feel today? What's going through his mind?" That's one thing that I know I have to work on - trusting and letting her know what's going on inside my head.

Hope this helps.

SD

 

Hello SD:

I would like to meet your wife someday. She sounds like a very caring, very intelligent, very PATIENT woman. And I don't mean any offense by that. I just mean that I am realizing how much patience it can take relating to male survivors. Know what I mean?

Actually, it's funny that you should mention this about Andy. And keeping him clued in as to what is happening. Yesterday we had a big fight. Well, not exactly a fight. In the past it would have been a fight, and a fight about something stupid. You see, he didn't know (and I didn't know) how many issues come up all the time that go back to the CSA. So when I withdrew or went quiet or suddenly seemed very tense in the middle of us having a good time, he thought it was him. But it wasn't.

Well, I was having a flashback yesterday. He was banging around the house, picking up the trash to take to the transfer station. And that's when I could smell that cleaning smell my Mom used when I was a kid. And those "banging around" noises when she was cleaning--that always made me think she was mad at me. Like secretly my Mom knew what my brother was doing and was mad at me about it. Crazy, huh?

Anyhow, it took a while but I sat Andy down and told him what the flashback was about. He was so relieved to be included again. Because he had been feeling shut out.

Later when we went out to the store, I was glad I told him. Because right there in the middle of looking at patio furniture, I had another flashback!!!!! That's how intense this stuff is for me these days. But those flashbacks are really memories surfacing. They are teaching me a lot. So I try to look at it that way.

Andy is really good too. When I am freaking out really bad, he helps me by saying what the date is, where I am, etc. And that "grounds" me.

Yes, I know that I was there for Andy when he had his very serious health problems. I am still there for him too. But I never thought he would be there for me the way he has been. I just never imagined that I would be this way, so needy, so vulnerable. I know it's not forever, but to Andy and your wife, I can only say...Thank you. You are extraordinary people!

Thanks, SD. You ALWAYS make me feel better. I don't know what this site would do without you. So please take care of yourself, okay?

Jasper

 

[chuck]

Jasper,

I still struggle with flashbacks before I fall asleep or wake up in the middle of the night and try to figure where I am. My father was my abuser and he used the excuse especially when I was sick(suffered with bronchitis). He would enter the room to give me whiskey with honey to keep me from coughing but it was to sedate me so I was very compliant to him. I remember when I was 20 and come home very intoxicated but went to bed. During the night I awake with someone on top of me. I thought it was a dream and I literally step out of my body to watch. Later I thought it was a dream. How could a son dream about his father raping him? I felt dirty and disgusting because I had dreamt that my father had raped me. I told no one for 30 years becasue I thought I was the worst son to have such a dream. Now I realize it was no dream but just my way to disassociate from the reality.

I do get the body memories and flashbacks during sex and apologize to my friend for being afraid and not wanting to be touched.

I am working with my T to deal with these body memories but it is tough. I am glad that you shared your story because much of it sounds like me.

Chuck

 

[sophiesdad]

Jasper, you don't have to apologize. Actually, she IS patient because if I were married to MYSELF, I wouldn't have stuck around .

My biggest problem is that I clam up a lot. I don't share what's on my mind and I constantly kick myself in the rear for it, too. I just don't know what keeps me from opening up to the one person who I know would never betray me.

But anyway, it IS important to keep Andy included in all of this. And, if the flashbacks and panic attacks are coming that often, maybe talk to your T about some type of medication? Just be careful if they prescribe something along the lines of Xanax or Ativan. Because they are such quick-acting tranquilizers they can become VERY addictive. I know that it's better to feel than to take something to dull the pain. However, if it's happening so frequently that it is interfering with daily activities and having a relatively productive life, then medication may need to be addressed - at least for the time being. There is no need to suffer. Just my opinion -- not a doc - though I've been thru so much medically, I could probably pass the medical boards with my eyes blindfolded

SD

 

Thank you, Chuck. I really appreciated hearing from you. Perhaps at some point, if it's okay with you, I can send you a PM. I would like to exchange a few thoughts that I don't feel comfortable posting.

And thank you, SD. You are brilliant as always. And guess what? Andy will soon be part of this site. I helped him register today as "Handy Andy." In another day or so, he will put his first posting in the Friends and Family Forum. That will be a big plus for both of us, don't you think?

Take care, guys!

Jasper

 

However, if it's happening so frequently that it is interfering with daily activities and having a relatively productive life, then medication may need to be addressed - at least for the time being. There is no need to suffer.

Hello Again, SD:

I've been thinking about what you said. And I guess I will have to talk to my doctor about this. It is just so intense what's been happening. Like this morning, I was making a sandwich for Andy's lunch when this "thing" just came at me out of the blue. All of a sudden, I had this awful chill (even though it's extremely hot and humid here). And it felt like my body was going into shock or something. As if all the blood was rushing to my middle and I was going to have spasms or a seizure or something. And for the life of me, I don't know what triggered it!

The thing is, I don't know what will happen from hour to hour. For example: Yesterday I had a flashback to when I and my brothers and sister were all at the beach. We all loved the ocean, especially me. And while our mother watched from shore, we were playing on a sandbar. The tide was out so the water wasn't very deep. Then little by little the tide came in. I didn't realize this until I stepped off the sandbar to head back to the shore. Suddenly I was way over my head and very scared. I could't swim at that age (around 9 or so). Somehow I managed to get back to the safety of the sandbar. That's when my evil brother pushed me off the sandbar, only on the ocean side. I probably didn't drift very far until someone pulled me back. But I was a little kid staring at nothing but ocean and unable to swim. It was so frightening to want to put my feet down on the sand and only feel deep water.

And do you know what? I pretty much forgot about that incident, at least consciously, until yesterday. Then I remembered what happened and how scared I was, thinking I was going to get swept out to sea.

All these years, I would have nightmares about the ocean and seeing nothing but endless water. I couldn't undertsand it until yesterday.

So this is the kind of thing. It's like I look back and I see one perilous situation after another. That brother was always doing stuff that could have gotten me killed. So it wasn't just the sexual and physical abuse. It was all the dangerous stunts he pulled on me too.

Sorry if I'm rambling. But it helps to get this out there. And thanks for listening!

All the best,

Jasper

 

[puppy]

hey jasper.

well reading your post made me so sad. the part about not being sure if you can trust your memories. i know for sure that some of my memories are totally accurate. because i was old enough to be very aware of what was happening. but some memories from earlier, i constantly doubt. maybe im making it up. maybe im exaggerating it. maybe i misunderstood and im turning somehting innocent into something terribly sick. and ill never know. but what i tell myself is that, even if one memory is inaccurate or made up by my mind, there are memories that i know for sure were not appropriate things. and even if you dont know. even if you were too young. something in you had made you come here. something in you is pushing these thoughts into your mind. i dont think an over active imagination is responsible for that. our brains only give us what we can handle, and eventually the 'movie' will become clearer to you. but dont kick yourself for not remembering. youve been kicked enough already. and even if yousometimes dont believe yourmemories, the people here do.

 

eventually the 'movie' will become clearer to you. but dont kick yourself for not remembering. youve been kicked enough already. and even if yousometimes dont believe yourmemories, the people here do.

Thank you, Puppy! That means so much to hear that from you. And I believe what you are saying, that the movie will get clearer.

Also, I am glad that there ARE things I do remember. Things I remembered BEFORE I came to this site, things that I remembered and were the reason I came to this site when I was diagnosed with PTSD.

I do remember being around 3 years old and being naked in bed with my brother. This I am pretty sure is the first time it happened. And I remember wanting to get away from him. Then our Dad came up the stairs because of all the noise I was making. And that's when my older brother tossed my underwear across the room. But instead of my Dad questioning this, he saw me running around after bedtime and spanked me. It was the first and only time my Dad ever spanked me. And my Dad didn't know it but it sent me a powerful message: Don't tell, you might get spanked again!

Later, right around this time, I had a really bad fall down the stairs. I mean, it was so bad that my elbow socket was sticking right out of the skin. I would have to be hospitalized not just once but twice to have operations on that arm. The doctor had to use some type of experimental surgery (at least it was experimental back then) to save my arm. And even at that, they never thought I would have full use of it. But my Mom worked with me for years after, getting me to play ball and things so that I could save my arm. And now, it works pretty darn good!

Well, what no one knew at the time, and what I now suspect is that my brother had something to do with that fall. My guess is he was messing with me and I was trying to get away from him. So even as a 3 year old kid, I was trying my best to fight him!!!

So these things did happen. And I know for sure that around the time that I was 11, he was naked and tried to get me into bed with him. I remember seeing pubic hair!!! And I know I didn't have any, never saw it on a boy before, so I was kind of startled. And he was pulling me into the bed with him against my will. So I did remember that all along. Now maybe I'm not ready to remember the rest. Maybe I will get the memory back. Maybe not. But you are so right--I remember plenty to know it's real.

And I certainly remember almost every day of my life being kicked, punched, slapped, tripped, and bullied by him!!!

God I hate him. And I think Andy has the right idea. What Andy wants to do is dig him up so he can really show him what he thinks of him.

Thanks, Puppy!

Jasper