Disclaimer: I respect that others have differing viewpoints, and the thoughts expressed below are my own and not associated with any organization or political affiliation.
Human sexuality is a complex matter as it is, without the additional factor of abuse thrown in. However I do understand that it is a natural response of a male survivor to ask this question. Lets face it, Kinsey did research decades okay that showed there was a whole spectrum of human sexuality that mainstream society chose to ignore.
I've been around therapeutic circles for some time now, both offline and online. I have been involved in therapy groups, men's organisations, participated in seminars and publications about abused men. Oh and for those that dont know, yes I am gay.
So in my own experience, I have come across many male survivors. I think given the nature of sexual abuse, which is mainly perpetrated by men, but not always of course, it is a common experience for the male survivor to have confusion over his sexual orientation. For the record, I consider myself to have been abused by heterosexual men with a predilection for abusing children, not by men who were gay. (Hows that for controversy ;-) )
Given that I am gay and have mixed in the gay and lesbian community, I have met many a gay man who has been sexually abused. However, I have also met plenty of gay men who havent been abused and are perfectly well adjusted and happy with their sexuality. In my forays into other areas of society, I have met many straight male survivors, and while they may have had some confusion about their own sexuality, predominantly identify as heterosexual.
So what am I am saying, given that long winded expose of my own experience in relating with other male survivors, is that I have not found a correlation between sexual abuse and being gay.
When I first started dealing with my own abuse issues, I did ponder on the question did the abuse make me gay? Strangely enough I avoided sexual contact with men as an adult, right up to the age of 27. This is despite having lived with my gay uncle for eight years, and having stayed in the closet and portrayed myself as asexual. I did not have intimate relations with women and never have. I was scared of men, and I couldnt bear to be touched by men, and yet I knew I was gay. I used to think it was a cruel irony that I was abused by men and yet attracted to them physically and emotionally. It wasnt until I began healing from the abuse, that I finally came to terms with my sexuality. I realised being gay paled into insignificance when compared to the impact of my abuse on my life.
There is the common argument that some lesbian survivors become gay because they were abused by men, and therefore seek the safe company of women. I know my best friend, has this belief, and she is a lesbian. I tend to disagree with this argument given my own experience. If being gay was a learned behaviour, or a choice, why would I continue to put myself under so much agony, in terms on having intimate relationships with men as an adult. Using the argument of my friend, wouldnt I obviously become heterosexual and seek the safe company of women??? I think not, because I have no sexual or emotional attraction in terms of intimacy towards women. Having therapy, and having moved down the healing path some way, and with some way to go, has not made me want to change my sexual orientation. I know this argument has holes in it, but it is what I choose to believe. For example, one could choose to believe that I was socialised or conditioned into being attracted to men, given the abuse. Some non gay men may indeed act out sexually with other men because they are confused. But I think if you are predominantly attracted to men over a long period of time, then you are gay.
For me the question is not why am I gay, but why was I sexually abused. It is the sexual abuse in my childhood that has caused so much dysfunction in my adult life, not the fact that I am gay. Loving another man has brought much joy into my life, and while the act of intimacy is still problematic I wouldnt change my sexual orientation, even if I had a choice. I didnt choose to be gay, I am gay ultimately you come to a point in your life, where the whys and therefores of your own sexual identity become irrelevant. I understand that this is not as easy as it sounds, given my own struggle, and I feel for those who are still coming to terms with theirs.
Healing my sexuality came not with acceptance of being gay, but with the acceptance of having been abused, and the impact that the trauma had on my day-to-day functioning. As an adult male, I am attracted to men, not just on a sexual level, but also on an emotional and spiritual one. I may be an unhappy abused man, but as a gay man I certainly am comfortable with being that way.
My advice to anyone questioning his or her sexuality is to be kind to yourself. Understand that confusion is a common experience for survivors of both genders. Give yourself time and space to explore your feelings. Whether you are gay or not, in the long run youll know deep down inside your heart. Loving another human being is one of the most precious gifts we have to share in this life, whether its with someone of the same or a different sex. When you reach that point in your life, youll find that it is incredibly liberating.
Below is one of the best articles I've read on the net in regard to gay men who have been abused.
Male-to-Male Child Sexual Abuse In the Context of Homophobia
https://www.kalimunro.com/article_malesurvivors.html
Take care, regards
blaidd
(pronounced blaith, meaning wolf)
Only you can answer that for you.
