How do I help?

How do I help?
K

kathleen

New Registrant
I recently found out that my boyfriend has been sexually abused, by his bestfriends father. It started when he was ten and lasted until he was about twelve. Hes eighteen now. He is still in contact with them, and maintains the friendship, and he hasn't told any one but me about his experience. I'm not sure what i should do to help him. Do I encourage him to tell someone else? Do I leave him alone about it? I don't know how to deal with it. A few days ago, we were talking about it, and I asked if he thought it would ever happen again, or that the man would do it to anyone else. He said his younger brother had come to him and said that the man had done the same thing to him. I'm worried that this could continue, and hurt someone else. Im also worried that it could be happening to my boyfriends bestfriend, the mans son. I told my boyfriend that he should do something, but hes afraid that it hurt his friendship with his bestfriend.
 
Kathleen - Thank you for your concern for your boyfriend! If both your bf and his brother were abused, it is really likely that his best friend's father has abused more boys and a very good possibility his best friend is among them. Your bf needs to get help with the after effects of the abuse as does his brother. Abusers take important characteristics from his victim and leave the victim with real damage [fears, anger, trust issues, control issues, drug/alcohol use, etc.]. If his best friend is or was being abused, he might even welcome someone to speak up and stop it! I am currently helping a family get back together from their son's (14 yo) sexual abuse. After he spoke up to stop the abuse, about 8+ guys came forward to talk about what the abuser did to them. This guy had molested kids for years without getting caught because no one would take that important step!! They are still finding more victims as time goes on! I know it's a fearful step to take and he will need support!! Does his parents know? His younger brother is a minor as was your bf. I hate to think his best friend's father is a pedophile (likes sex with minors) on the loose!!! If we can help, know we are here!!

Howard
 
Kathleen,

You might talk to your boyfriend about calling Childline to report the abuser. This service is confidential and in PA I know they take such reports very seriously.

Ultimately your boyfriend ought to consider pressing charges so this perp can be stopped. Howard stresses that pedophiles often molest many boys, and you should know what by "many" we are talking about hundreds and sometimes thousands.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thankyou all so much. I'm going to talk to my boyfriend about telling someone. I'm so scared that he might be hurting more children.
Is it a good idea for me to bring it up, or should I wait until he brings it up again to talk about it? I don't want to pressure him, or make him feel like I'm being pushy, because I don't want him to shut all the communication about it all together, because I'm the only person he's ever told. Any sugestions on how I should bring it up, and go about talking the conversation?

I also feel like I'm obligated for his little brothers sake, and for any other children he may be hurting presently, or in the future, to say something to someone who can do something about it if he isn't prepared to do it. Is that ok? Is it the right thing to do? I don't want to make this harder on him, and I don't want him to be angry with me, or make him hurt anymore, but I also don't want this man to go on unpunished for what hes done to these little boys.
 
Kathleen,

This is the tough call that faces so many people when the issue of reporting comes up. Do I 1) Honor the privacy of my informant?, or 2) Report the information I have?

I can just tell you that 45 years ago I would sit in my room and tremble, all alone, and ask myself, "Why isn't anyone helping me? I don't know what to do. I can't tell. I'm so scared. He's hurting me and I can't make him stop."

I know this is difficult, but there are children - maybe lots of them now and in the future - involved here. Your boyfriend's need for privacy is overruled, I think.

I would approach him and raise the subject, but I would be firm. It isn't always easy to do the right thing, but that doesn't make it any less important to do it.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi, may I suggest showing your boyfriend this place, once he knows there is a place on the net that he can go to, to voice his pain, he will likely join us, and get his brother here also.

Take care,
Lostcowboy
 
Kathleen,

I agree with the other posters that it is important to get help for your boyfriend and his family. But I also think it's important to keep the blame where it belongs.

You may need to reassure your boyfriend that the fault ALWAYS lies with the abuser. If this man abused other kids between the time that he abused your boyfriend and the time that your boyfriend came (or comes) forward, your boyfriend is not responsible for the abuse of those other kids. He doesn't have to feel "they wouldn't have been abused if I had come forward earlier..." They wouldn't have been abused if the perpetrator didn't abuse them.

SAR
 
Kathleen,

Silence is the abusers greatest weapon. I worked out a while back that one of the guys that abused me had at least abused approx 20,000 other boys, that sounds like an outragous figure and it is but this guy was a predatory paedophile that has been abusing boys as young as ten, over thirty plus years his first recorded offence was back in 1958. He knew how to keep us quiet and I remained quiet for about thirty years and with that silence went alcoholism, drug addiction and everything else that goes with that.

Your BF needs help and support in whatever way he decides, there is no need for him to go through years and years of pure hell. I agree with lostcowboy just drop it(a hint perhaps) into a conversation (that you know of a place) at an appropiate moment, he will learn straight away that he is not on his own and that there are people out there that know exactly what he is going through and through that realisation he can be at the very start of his recovery.

My thoughts are with you.

Kirk

"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Kathleen,

Hopefully your boyfriend will be encouraged to at least do an anynomous report. If not just go ahead and report the abuse ... either anynomously or not. Just let your boyfriend know that is what you intend to do ... so he'll have one last chance to come forward himself. The future abuse of other children needs to be stopped.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
my husbands abuse could have been stopped, but it wasn't. the people who could have stopped it digust me more than the man himself. if somebody had done it, they'd have been a hero. i'd begin the conversation by asking if it's okay to talk to him about it. if he says no, then leave it be and wait for him to bring it up.

i think that your bf should be given the chance to stand up for himself and the others, because it'll be hard, but in the long run, he'll probably take comfort knowing that he played a role in stopping it. if he doesn't want to do it, you can submit an annonymous tip yourself.
 
I talked to my boyfriend last night about reporting the abuser. He finally told me that he didnt think he had any way of proving the abuse, and didn't think anyone would belive him even if he did come forward. He said he probably would tell someone else about it, if he could prove that it happened....

Im not sure what kindof proof we would have to have to put the man in jail...Any help would be greatly appreciated
 
Kathleen,

If you call Childline and make an anonymous report they ought to be able to give you some information on what is required to convict a pedophile in your state. The problem willa rise in the statute of limitations, which provides that after a certain time has passed a person can no longer be prosecuted for a crime.

Larry
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top