How do I go about doing this?

How do I go about doing this?
L

lostone

Registrant
My mom is starting to wonder why I can't sleep at night, why my grades are in the toilet and why I'm having panic attacks. I don't know how to tell her about what they did, especially what my "uncles" did to me. I'm afraid she'll think I'm lying and I don't want to screw up our relationship, or what we have left of it anyway. Its a long story but in short we've had our fallouts. Mostly about my dad and stuff like that, she still loves him and I am not ready to forgive him for the past.

Um..please help, I wasn't really sure where to post this.
 
Dear Lostone

I don't know how old you are and my answer will only be based on my experience as an incest survivor.
Incest always happens within a dysfunctional family it's not just a matter of "too bad, it got me !". As part of my healing process, I have quickly come to realize that in order to recover I had to get away from any dysfunctional members of my family. I was naive at the beginning but though extremely painful I have had to stand out for myself in loneliness rather than remain within a "monstruous family" whose only agenda was its own survival.
Having been abused by my father and having a fairly good understanding of the dynamic I did not lay much hopes on my mother's reactions. To this day, neither after receiving a "break up letter" neither after receiving from my sister an explanation about my claims of being a victim of my father, neither after I pressed charges against him did I get a phone call or a letter of support. To this day she still lives with my father though claiming she wants to divorce. I guess the more painful for me were my sisters' reactions of denial, distruss and even testifying at the police I was crazy. I remained strongly convinced, despite the pain, that for my own sanity, recovery and even as a matter of life and death I should keep away from them and stick to what I knew was true within myself. I disclosed the incest to family members only when I was ready, especially after I had dealt with my own denial dynamics. Every time I faced disclosure, I prepared myself for rejection, distrust and anger. Being prepared for the worst gave me more strength to pursue my own recovery. Of course there are very supportive mothers (I know some of them)and I really hope your mother will be there for you. But please understand that in doing this, you are forcing her to look into the dark dynamics of her life and of her family. I have been lucky to have the support of my uncle (my mom's brother) but he is on a long journey to accept the horror of what I have been through, her sister's responsabilities, his own blindness and the problems within his family tree.
On the other hand, breaking the secret has always been a HUGE relief for me. And at some point it can't be avoided otherwise it blocks recovery. In time I have come to recognize when it was the right time to do it, even though fear always got in the way.
Do not forget that you are breaking the secrets for yourself not for the sake of others.
I am there if you need to talk or if you have more questions about this.
I am with you
Caro
 
I'm not sure how old you are.

If you're not comfortable with bringing this right up to your mother, maybe there's someone else you can talk to first.

If you're still in school, maybe a school counselor? A teacher you trust? Or a minister you trust? A therapist would be another good place to discuss this.

Sometimes hashing it over face to face with another person makes things easier.
 
Lostone,

I don't really know how to handle this question.
For the following reasons.

I reported my abuse as a 10 yo to the police, the perp was never caught, to my knowledge.

As the years have rolled on so much, my family, including my mother are in denial, or just do not want to mention it, my little brother, who was only 5yo, does not like to talk about it.

It causes dysfunction in families, and denial of it ever happening, or even worse, that it cannot have lasting effect on the kid involved.

It must be torture, not to be able to let this out to anybody you trust, the one good thing is, that you have told us, which must at least ease the burden a little.

I felt like screaming out, just what did go on, but we are forced into silence, not of our own making, I felt like telling the world and everyone I met that I had been abused, and that is why you find me different.

People, if you can call them that, can never understand the damage they do to kids, when they put them through SA.

My SA was violent, and I did not know how to even comprehend how anybody could do that to an innocent child.

I do not know the relationship you have with your mother, and I know that you really want to tell her, but you do not know what her reaction will be.

Your "uncles", need to be shamed, and not you, CSA, truly is a mess of a young life, and you should not have to go through these problems.

I have found one thing in life, that if I trust someone to tell it to, they either avoid you like some space alien, or really want to become friends.

The subject, in itself is just so horrndous, for anybody to contemplate, even though they have never had to be there, yes, they find it horrendouss to even contemplate, but they can also deny you on having to go through it.

Just do not get hurt in the process,

I am here if you need help,

Peace and goodwill,

ste
 
Everytime I come to this site I feel weak because I read about what everyone has done and I feel like I'm so far behind. When I read your replies when someone is in need of help and advice I cry because I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that this is real, this place I'm at is real and its not going to go away. I'm afraid to let anyone in too much becuase they'll leave. You'll leave me and I won't have anyone to talk to and to trust. I won't have anyone to tell me its okay and that no one will hurt me. fuck I did it again, sorry.
 
Lostone,

I could make a fortune, if everyone gave me a cent for every time that I felt lost and alone.

Loneliness is indeed a feeling of despair, but you are never alone here,

It is a hard road, but so many of us have hit the hard road, it becomes easier, the more you can identify with the hurt, and how it affects you.

None of us should be here, but we are, and if we can help each other, then we can at least share the burden,

take care,

ste
 
lostone,

It takes real strength just to come here, read here, post here. Plus, there's strength for the taking in the words people have written to you here.

You're the only one here who knows your mother. Is it possible that she'd be able to give you some of what you need without knowing why? If you told her that yes, you are having school troubles, sleeping troubles, and you'd appreciate it if she'd do "X", would she support you in that way and give you your own time to talk to her? (If you have doubts about this, I wouldn't try it. But if you think it would work, it's an idea.)

You might want to ask before you tell, but usually counselors and people like that are supposed to keep your confidence unless you are in danger at the present time.

We're not going anywhere. :)

SAR
 
One,

You said:
Every time I come to this site I feel weak because I read about what everyone has done and I feel like I'm so far behind.
Click to expand...
We were all at the beginning at one time. You are not behind, you are simply where you are. The fact that you acknowledge you are in need is quite a feat, that alone is one of the biggest hurdles and there are many, many, here that waited years to admit that maybe this abuse thing that happened may have something to do with why life seems to be such a challenge. That will also make you ahead of the guy who finally starts an internet search on child abuse tomorrow.

When I got here, I saw others that came before me as guides, and if nobody here had been making any progress then my coming here would have made my recovery seem completely hopeless.

They showed me there was a light at the end of the tunnel and its not a train!

Hang in,
 
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