How do I fill the emptiness?

[taipan]

Good morning all, its the 4 am wakies again for me. Its not so bad; I usually toss and turn for a while and then either go for an hour long walk with the dog or go to the gym at 5:30. Exercising is really helping me feel better about myself. I've lost 34 lbs and look great.
Anyway I'm still very much struggling with missing my wife, even though I see and talk to her every day. I guess I miss the closeness and affection of a married relationship. I would give ANYTHING to have her back as my partner.
My therapist thinks (and I agree) that I am look to her to take away my pain and loneliness. If she is always going to take it away then I will not be able to get past it on my own. I know I am also looking to my wife for the needs I didn't get as a child (emotional support and affection). I understand all that BUT how the heck do I find that inside me?
I feel better about myself than I ever have, my job is going great, my kids are fabulous, yet there feels like there is something missing inside. I wish I could find a way to fill that void!
Take care all, Ed

 

[SandyW]

You should feel an emptiness in missing your wife.

Anyway I'm still very much struggling with missing my wife, even though I see and talk to her every day. I guess I miss the closeness and affection of a married relationship. I would give ANYTHING to have her back as my partner.

She's been a part of your life for how long now and of couse loosing that relationship leaves you feeling empty. If it didn't, you would have to be such an uncaring individual. Morning a broken relationship is completely expected.

My therapist thinks (and I agree) that I am look to her to take away my pain and loneliness. If she is always going to take it away then I will not be able to get past it on my own. I know I am also looking to my wife for the needs I didn't get as a child (emotional support and affection). I understand all that BUT how the heck do I find that inside me?

I'm not sure I agree with your T here. How does your wife "take away your pain"? Maybe she did share in it, but that's what empathy is for. If your T expects you to "get past it on your own" than what do you need him for? As far as filling the need to not be lonely, isn't providing companionship what a spouse is for? Also, emotional support and affection aren't things we only need as children...we need those as adults too. If you weren't turning to your wife for those things, that would make matters worse. I just can't help but thing your T is downplaying
your crumbling marriage, but, for whatever its worth, this is just my opinion. So I say, don't fill the void, grieve for it and heal from it.

Sandy

 

[Freedom]

Taipan,

It seems to me that making progress in healing with someone's help is something that we all can hope for. And who better to support us than a spouse? Of course, if we use that as a crutch or a means to escape the pain rather than deal with it, then the results are negative for all concerned.

Therefore, I agree with Sandy more and with your T less on this matter. Of course, I believe in a marriage for better or worse, so I think people, once married should be there for each other and seek solutions together.

Perhaps you could spent a bit of time to look at the past and try to see where that did not quite work out that way and why. I think it is something that is important to know so as not to keep repeating it. If you tell your wife that is what you are doing and ask her for her input, it might be a good experience for both of you. Who knows, it may even bring you closer.

Finding a balance for the two will require both of you to input. In the meantime, the void is there for a reason and you seem to be doing all the right things to give it the time and the opportunity to reveal its secret.

I am doing the 0400 (EST) wake thing as well, so you have company.

Peace and strength,
Freedom.

 

[SandyW]

Freedom...Good sugestion to explore the past and see what didn't work and why. Who knows? It may clear up some past miscommunications.

Taipan...I just wanted to add one thing. You are worthy of receiving emotional support and affection. You are entitled to it as a human being. Just because these needs weren't filled as a child, doesn't mean they cannot or should not be filled as an adult.

 

[taipan]

Thank you both So much for your insight. Certainly some of what I am struggling with is directly related to lack of emotional support from my parents, but I agree completely that my therapist and my wife are both downplaying the significance of the impact of my crumbling marriage, and instead redirecting everything back to my childhood relationship with my parents.
I also think a marriage is for better and worse; my wife and I have struggled through the worst and are on the verge of the better, so it is very confusing that she is unwilling to see us in a new light and respond with hope that our relationship can slowly grow into a wonderful mutually satisfying relationship.
And now that we know much more about ourselves and each other, with the help of our therapist, I see that a truly wonderful and loving relationship is possible and consequently, our 2 children need not have a broken home, and the inevitable negative impact of that on their future relationships.
Thanks SO much for your input. Your validation has given me strength, and I will discuss this with my wife and my therapist.
Sincerely,
Ed

 

[Lloydy]

Taipan
I know this might sound a bit patronizing, but two friends of mine who have divorced, both very acrimonious seperations, now find that the get on with their former wives far better than when they were married. And all people involved have new partners.

I think the reason is that they have their children in common so they had to meet and get along, and eventually the things that attracted them to each other in the first place resurfaced. And without the pressure of marriage they now get along just fine and enjoy their former partners company once again.

I hope you can keep your marriage together, but maybe being good friends is a viable alternative ?

Dave

 

[taipan]

Lloydy, Yes I am sure that if we do split up our friendship will remain. That however, brings me little comfort.
Everything important to me is here in this house. Everything I have carried on for all these years is here in this house. My marriage is much more than a relationship between my wife and me. The single most important thing to me is my family. When my wife was struggling to survive cancer (twice), I was here taking care of her, my children, and my household. We have struggled through so much that giving up now makes it seem all for not.
My wife is a very very independent woman. Why she thinks she can not have her independence and happiness with our relationship I do not and may ever understand. And I truly believe that everyone deserves to be happy in life......but happiness at what cost?? When does perusing your own happiness become selfish and destructive??

Yes we could be friends...........to accept that is to me to accept failure.

 

[Lloydy]

Ed
It's hard to imagine how you feel, and impossible to advize.
All I can offer is some long distance support.

Never stop trying though Ed,

Dave

 

[SandyW]

When does perusing your own happiness become selfish and destructive??

You become selfish when you are putting your needs above the needs of others (everyone is guilty of this from time to time). I would have to say that selfishness is always destructive, as it destroys relationships with those around you. If I put my wants (or what I feel I am entitled to, like persuit of happiness) over those of my kids then I am being selfish and sending them the message that I am important to me and they are not. Destructive? Definately. Here's an example...since I've been home with the kids, I've started my own business (because we need the money and because I felt somewhat useless going from career to at home mom). This was partially due to my persuit of happiness. If I had neglected my kids or my husband to build this business, that is where I would have crossed the line to being selfish and destructive. So, I would have to say the point where you cross the line is where someone else is hurt as a result of your persuit of happiness (no matter how valid you think their feelings may be), or when your persuit of happiness takes you outside of the direction toward which the rest of the family is persuing happiness. The key words here are "your own"...this is what makes it selfish and destructive.

Sandy