How did your relationship change?

How did your relationship change?
B

Born to Resist

Registrant
When you told people who were supportive how did your relationship change? I've recently told my family, they believe me and say they are behind me no matter what. I don't know how to act around them now. I don't want to pretend nothing is wrong, yet it feels like another therapy session to divulge all the crap that I've been feeling and thinking. All of the readings on CSA that I've read talk about revealing what happened to those I feel safe with. But they don't describe what that interaction looks like afterwards. Your thoughts and experience?
 
Things really changed for me at first, but in my situation, there was some drug addiction problems and such. After they began to see the "old me," things went back to normal. Now, if I need to vent, or share something, I bring it up to them, rather than them trying to "dig it out of me."

It will take lots of time. Those closest to you will learn to read the signs, and will learn how to act in given situations. Give yourself and them the chance to learn together!
 
BtR,

I have disclosed to my two sisters (both younger than me) and they have been 100% supportive. The older one in particular, who has been my best friend for decades anyway, has been just great.

I do find, however, that my personal issues still get in the way, no matter how understanding people are. I have found it very difficult to tell them some things that they needed to know in order to understand how this has affected me. Somehow I still wonder will they really believe me; can anyone who has not been abused really accept that such awful things have actually happened to young boys? Then when they DO believe me, I feel ashamed and guilty and wonder will they think this was my fault?

As Darkheart so rightly comments, you do have to understand that this will be a learning experience for both sides.

One thing that I have posted about before, but will repeat here because understanding this has helped me so much: Friends and family will in most cases NOT be expecting what you are about to spring on them. They will be shocked and embarrassed, and in many instances they will feel so awkward that they will have not the slightest clue what sort of response is needed or what is appropriate. They are likely to blurt out anything. Some examples I have heard about: "So are you gay now?" (friend), "Why didn't you say no?" (mother), "Did this happen in my house?" (father), etc., etc.

It is a huge emotional moment when you disclose, and if you get the "wrong" response the resulting sense of disappointment and disempowerment may tempt you to get angry or just shut down. But try to bear in mind that the other person needs to come to terms with what you have just told them. They don't mean to hurt you or say something cruel; most of the time they will just be stunned.

That said, I have had all good experiences so far. I try to ease into what I want to say, so the other person gets the idea this is something very serious and difficult for me, and then maybe will even figure out where I am going before I get to exactly what I need to say.

With people who already know, how I feel with them later on depends on what our relationship is like. With family members it is a bit strange for me. I know they love me unconditionally, but I also know they want to know more in order to help me. And I know I will want to tell them, even if they ask something very painful for me. This feeling of insecure boundaries makes me feel like I have my "Raped" and "Guilty" signs up and flashing. I know I could just say please no questions, but that's not what I want. I WANT them to feel I need their help unconditionally just as they are willing to give it unconditionally. So it's a strange situation: I want boundaries but not barriers, and I don't know how to make family members see the difference. I don't think I know myself.

With friends it is easier, because I feel secure that they will not just pop something on me. If they have a question to ask I will see it coming and will have a few moments to think. One very close friend who cares about me a lot will ask me how I am doing. I know what she means, but if I just can't get into things that day I can easily avoid the topic and then bring it up later when I am more comfortable.

But in the end I couldn't agree more with, again, what Darkheart says:

It will take lots of time. Those closest to you will learn to read the signs, and will learn how to act in given situations. Give yourself and them the chance to learn together!
Click to expand...
Take care,
Larry
 
I guess I've had a different experience. The two friends I had just before my CSA therapy started, have fallen by the wayside. One actually became abusive in his questioning...he didn't know the difference between private and what I was comfortable with talking about...even after being told. The other guy and I never really agreed about much, all that well, without the former friend being in the mix of the three of us.
I've not shared much with my family, except that my wife has, out of desperation. That has been mostly with her family. Except for our daughters, the only family I have left, is hers. I do have cousins, and I shared some information with one of them, and he's been aces, but then, he comes from a family of social workers.
My therapist refers to the telling of others about ourselves is like putting a turd in their pockets. I mean, now what do they do, he says. The point that he was trying to make with us, is that one has to be very carefull with whom we share such intimate details of our lives. He says that we can end up being abused all over again, not sexually, but socially because of the ineptness of those with whom we may be sharing.
So, if I had any advice it would be, to only share with those family members who would need to know. Your immediate family. In my case, that would be my children...daughters, when they reached an age at which they could understand. That was when they reached middle school. My wife knew before we were married. I told my cousin before MS's conference in his city. And I told Ranata's aunt, with whom we interact regularly.
I mean, who really needs to know in your family. And if you think that they do, telling them only as much as you feel comfortable telling them, is maybe enough. Like, "I'm in therapy working on issues that are related to the Childhood Sexual Abuse I experienced when I was -- years old. I would appreciate your understanding and encouragement." From there you can decide, on an individual basis, how much else you want to tell anyone.
Good luck, family can be a great source of encouragement, and some can be real a**holes. Know your audience.

Strength and courage,

David
 
Interesting topic,

I have found it so much easier to talk about my CSA in front of a crowd of complete strangers than it is to talk to a close family member about it.

I have only talked to 3 family members. My wife, my daughter, and my sister. All three were very supportive. My wife most of all. To her it was like a huge sense of relief because, as she put it, she finaly knew what was "wrong" with me. We've done a lot of work on it together and without her support I don't know that I could have gotten through the toughest of times.

It was the best choice I could have possibly made in telling the family I told. My sister was blown away. She figured that of the 5 of us kids, I was the one that had gotten by unscathed. I was the youngest with her being 8 years older than me. She said that she always looked at me as such a confident, spunky kid. I must have hid it well, but on the inside I was dying.

The relationship I've had with the family I've disclosed to has gotten closer than it was previously. I have been very selective about who I've told because some of the others are an unknown entity. Maybe we're not close enough to be able to share that sort of private info.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if when I share my story in front of a large group one of them knew and would talk to any of my other family I haven't disclosed to. Guess I'll have to cross that bridge sooner or later.

As far as talking about it in front of a crowd of strangers, I do that for a different reason. I find that when given the opportunity to speak, I cannot remain silent about Child Sexual Abuse. If I can help to raise awareness then maybe just one child will not have to go through what I went through, or perhaps I can help just one person begin to come to grips with their own abuse. If I can accomplish either of those goals then my own pain will not have been in vain.

Courage,

John
 
BtR - people pretty much leave it up to me. Some will let me talk about it as much as I want. Sometimes I don't want to bother them too much, so keep quiet. If I keep quiet for too long they ask?

Best wishes..Rik
 
I do not talk about it with my family either. My dad, mom, and brother know about it. Especially my brother knows, but it is very difficult to talk to them. I do not feel comfortable with talking. I feel that my mom, and maybe my dad, would not be supportive. They just do not seem to be.

I was speaking out to a friend of mine. He did not understand all. He is not a survivor as he said. My grandmother helped when I was 13 to 14 to 15 years old, and I appreciate this, but I did not talk to her a well. She knew what may had happened, and disclosed she had been sexually abused herself.

Thanks for this topic, Born to Resist. I see it as an issue.
 
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