How did you learn what love is?

How did you learn what love is?
James_dup1

James_dup1

Registrant
I read an artical about love. I talked about how as children we learn what love is from the people around us. IE: parents; brothers; sisters; grandparents...etc. But it dawned on me that lots of us never had that chance. So I ask.

"How you learn what love is?"

For me it was my wives undieing devotion to me no matter how bad I messed up. It was seeing my children in the nursery for the first time. So I guess my family tought me what love is.
James
 
James - you pose a very difficult question because it ebbed and waned, from this spot and that...love was elusive for me. I guess the first place I learned love was from my paternal grandmom who loved me unconditionally. Whatever I did, she just hugged me and loved me. She and my mom didn't get along so after I was 7 yo, I was not permitted to stay overnight any more. Our time was severely curtailed!!

Love for most of my life = sex. IF that were true, I had plenty of love!! But then love stinks! It was phony love, or not love at all.

Love began to creep into my heart with my wife. It was a tiny seed at first but it was love. As I grew to trust her and become more intimate (emotionally), that seed grew and grew. My children deepened that love and it grew more. They taught me to love myself which deepened that love even more!!

I think our dog, Mead, helped to show me a love that only animals can share. Talk about unconditional?!!!

Love, once dashed, gradually took hold in my heart as I allowed my self to throw out the trash to make room for that precious, wonderful gift - love!!

Love's complicated - ain't it? :)

Howard
 
Somehow I missed this post. A really important question.

Teachers have said that love is caring enough for someone to make difficult sacrifices for them. If that is love, then I love lots of people.

If love is a feeling we get, when we recognize that some individual means a lot to me, and I get kind of great feelings when I am around them, well, again I love lots of people.

But, if loves means trusting someone with my deepest emotions, and they reciprocate--I don't love many, maybe no one except the professionals I spill out my self to.

If love means having a romantic relationship, I have never loved anybody, because it was not reciprocal.

If it means sex, in a loving, caring way of expressing self-giving and being one with another person in mind, body and spirit, I have loved no one. Lots of desires though.

Love is such a wierd word. We say "I just love chocolate."
'I just love jimmy, or Carol, or whoever" A clear difference there.

I have felt loved by, and I know I love, my surrogate grandkids.
I even have some intimacy with the older ones, because they talk about how their parents being split up bothers them. I know it makes me feel terrific. It sure gives me energy to live as long as I can.

I think people show me various kinds of love. Not necessarily to me, but they iamge it. Like, I see love when to very elderly people walk hand-in-hand, or with their arms around each other. Children, in their absolute innocence. Volunteers show me one aspect of love. The goodness, and the confusion and fears in my adolescents show me, and evoke from me something I call love.

I think I feel love going both ways with me, giving and receiving. It is just that I am not sure that what I feel is love or something else.

Bob
 
Good question, guys!

I wish I knew the answer. I have a lot love in my life; good friends, my family, my compadres from AA and Al Anon.

Love is used a lot among all of us. It's comforting and good.

But I would still have to say I don't know how to 'get' love. And though I wouldn't really want to believe it, the fact that I am alone again seems to suggest that I'm very good at giving it either.

Or as in the thread the post that started this:

"How you learn what love is?"
Click to expand...
All the people who love me go somewhere else every night and leave me alone. I don't know why but it's then when I really feel that I'm not learning what love is.

It bugs me. Sure I've adapted to it.....too well, perhaps. Maybe I'm too independent to be in a close enough relationship where I could learn what love is.

It's when I'm alone for a long time, or in the middle of the night that I realize that I don't know how to learn what love is.

And it's frustrating. I keep loving as much as I can and try to trust that the universe takes notice, and will send some other people my way to practice and learn from.

Good topic! Wish I had more to offer on the matter.

Thanks, brothers,
 
A great question and a great thread,

This is a question that I have pondered a lot too. I think that basically that love and compassion are an integral part of us. Like something that came with us when we were born. We all have the need, the yearning to give and receive love. It human, what makes most human.

The ways or methods that we seek to give or recieve love however is a different matter. The methods are learned, need to be learned, and in some circumstances they aren't learned or learned inadequatley, like the case of many who experienced SA, especially within the family.

I think love starts with compassion. The feeling that there are other people out there that are like me. That need friendship, communication, understanding, acceptance, and love themselves. Then you go out into the world with this in mind, it may only be in the back of your mind at the time, and you attempt to make a connection. I think you have love when you realize this.

You feel love more strongly when you try to actualize it, bring it into the world. You recieve love in return when you meet someone who does the same.

I don't mean romantic love per say (which I think is really just the same as any love, all love is the same, its the relationship that differs) but just love.

I've came to realize recently (just last night actually, when I was thinking about a recent relationship that didn't pan out) that I do not know how to love at least how to express it correctly. I am often afraid of those intimate relationships that have the potential for real, deep love to develop. I think that has to do with me being abused and abandoned by family.

I know I have the potential though to be in all sorts of loving/compassionate relationships. I just know it.

I've thought about this a lot and realized what I need to do is learn to relate, be respectful, be receptive, and be sincer. I need to learn more too.

I just started reading a couple books on the subject (never thought I would need to do that).
They seem to be pretty good. One is called "How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving." It takes a bhuddist perspective on loving by incorporating the idea of mindfulness. The five keys are attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowed the freedom to be ourselves.

The other book is called "Struggle for Intamacy."
Its written for adult children of alcoholics, so not everything in it applies to victims of SA. Its says about the same as the other that a good relationship is one where: I can be me, You can be you, We can be us, I can grow, You can grow, and We can grow.

I realize that I sound like an episode of Oprah, sorry about that. The important thing is that we all know love, what we need to do (what I need to do at least) is learn how to respectfully and realistically relate.

Sounds like something that can be accomplished then, it'll be hard work. But worth it.

Those are my current thoughts on the subject.

Thanks, Take care my brothers may you all find much love,
Aaron
 
"Love is" - those of us of a certain age might remember the comic strips, very sentimental but occasionally very funny and right on target.

"Love is" - a committment to someone, to take the crap they dish out and look beyond it, and know they will do the same for you.

"Love is" - putting yourself out for someone, and not expecting a favour in return. But somehow knowing that when the day comes they will return it in spades.

"Love is" - accepting their silence, bad moods, and being grumpy. And not automatically thinking that you are the cause of it.

"Love is" - wanting to do things to please someone else. Because you enjoy the smile on their face.

"Love is" - feeling your heart beat a little faster when they're around.

Dave
 
Lloydy - I remember that comic strip sooooooooooo
I must be of that certain age too! I enjoyed your sharing those words - they brought back comic strip memories and, all I can say is, "Love is - ain't that the truth!!"

Thanks!

Howard
 
Love=?

I am still learning

I love many men here including james thanks for the question.
 
Loyd has described love a lot.

Some additional thoughts.

Giving withoug expectation, caring, sharing, enjoying together. Comfortably intimate, whether it be with male or female; not always in a sexual way but in openess as to who you are and who they are; your hopes, fears, aspirations.

Love is many things and manifests itself in many ways but whatever the way it is a joyous and wonderful thing to give and to receive.

You guys are all great and I love you all like brothers, sometimes disfunctional but always brothers in the best of sense
 
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