How did you know?



Got a question that my therapist actually encouraged me ask. How does one know their gay "naturally", or as a "result" of the abuse?
Let me explain where I'm coming from...I've been married for almost ten years. During this time I've viewed gay porn, but still attracted to my wife. But, I don't respond the way I would like consistently. But I do when I watch porn. I've experimented in college and did not like it, but I'm still attracted too men also. My wife doesn't like the idea of this and is struggling with understanding how I can watch gay porn, but say I'm still attracted too her without my body responding the way I want it to.
So, I'm here trying to learn how other male survivors knew they were gay. HELP!


I'm sorry that you are having trouble. I was in my early 40's before I started coming to terms with this. Sexuality is not so easy to figure out for some people. It's okay to be confused. In addition, the CSA is another layer of confusion added to it. At the end of it all, only you can answer this question.

As, I understand your situation:
- You are married to a woman that you love and are attracted to, but you can't always get a sexual response while with her. (This is normal, considering the porn, abuse and your age may play a part)
- You enjoy gay porn. (lots of straight men do this. It's forbidden, taboo)
- You are attracted to men. (could be an indicator; however, is it driven by a lack of male connection?)
- You experimented with men and did not like it. (well, this is a big indication. What did you not like: affection, kissing, pleasing them, sex?)

For me: I knew I was gay before I got married. I thought that somehow I was cured by God and that marriage would further fix me. I know, dumb. I knew on the honeymoon that I made a mistake. I couldn't perform without thinking about men. This went on for 20 years. I can't stand sex with women. So much pressure to perform. I have to take Viagra or Cialis and sometimes it still doesn't work. I have sex as a duty. I am so much more comfortable with a gay identity. I've been with a guy and it was the most freeing experience...

I would refer you to Joe Kort's website and youtube videos. They are very helpful.

Tom E.

I find certain males attractive, I also find certain females attractive. I've had sex with both. I've also had threesomes with a male & a female. All in the past. I've been with the same man now for 20 years. I feel my attraction to males is stronger, so I just call myself gay, but maybe I'm really bi. I never had sex with a trans person, I probably would enjoy that too, but I'm devoted to my male spouse.


Before you try to answer this, you might want to consider that the porn by itself is affecting your response to your wife. It is well documented now that continual porn usage can lead to E.D., depression, other sexual dysfunctions, as well as lack of response to a real person. You might want to Google this topic, or look at, the No Fap sites, or These (and others) will explain the neurochemistry behind how your brain gets changed by porn usage, and what steps one can take to reverse that.


The whole thing has been looked at from all angles. There are so many theory's on what determines the outcome sexual identity it's crazy. But what I believe is that All human men are born bisexual. Nurture determines it from there.

Look the prostate located in the anal cavity, why? This is why young boys take so much longer to potty train that girls. They actually enjoy holding it in, because it stimulates the prostate and produces endorphin's. Physically all men are bi, and receive sexual stimulation from either type of sex. Women do not receive pleasure from anal the same way a man does. One can not examine the position of the prostate and conclude there is no evolutionary benefit for this.

I am sure this is result of evolution. Populations evolve more quickly when individuals are removed from the gene pool. Those individuals were sexually isolated and find male partners the same way men do when sexually isolated in jail. But more over a young boy can engage in survival sex. And while there is no need for survival sex in modern society thanks to CPS, adoption programs, etc; This was most certainly a survival trait for ancient boys. thus this arrangement benefits both the gene pool and increases the likely hood of individual survival.

A lot of things affect your sexual preferences. Your "mother figure" has an impact as you will instinctively look for "someone to care for a child". If she is younger you will likely look for younger mates, if she was older you will look for older mates... whether or not you had an older brother also had an effect. We know that having an older brother significantly increases your chance of being gay. That being said, our sexual encounters also affect our preferences. Your abuse had an effect, but it was just one of many factors that affected the outcome.

A last note is that physiologists have noticed a great difference in the types of porn someone looks at the person's they choose for mates. It is possible for you to not like gay sex at all, but like gay porn. I wish I remembered more of what my human sexuality professor said about it so many years of ago, but your porn preference isn't necessarily going to be the same as your sexual preference, or your emotional preference. You may be sexually attracted to men, and emotionally attracted to women. Only you know, but you could be in denial.

On the other hand you might be a repressed gay and just had one bad sexual experience in college. It is also possible your sexual preference changed, this happens from time to time. Only you are going to know.


I always thought I was born being gay. But I personally do now understand that I went that course due to the sexual abuse, and my mother's rejection of me, and her disgust with men. So I very early set out thinking I desired to be a girl.
I lived in and practiced the homosexual life for nearly 20 yrs. I started desiring men since I was 5 yrs of age.
Now, I am finding I do not desire to live the gay life, and haven't lived in it since 1990. I have had my struggles, and failures, but by the grace of God I do not live in it.
I still have the habit of like watching men masturbate, especially if tied up against their will (porn).
I realize for myself, I was not born gay, my life abuses guided me into it, for love, acceptance, and I felt safe with men, than with women.
My mother was the abuser, and another adult/s.
So I craved being degraded and ruled over by older teenage boys, and men. I had no real identity except in the gay life. Now I'm finding my identity though still confusing at times, is not found in living the gay life.
When I struggle with identity issues I find men far more aluring than women. Women causes me to feel dirty, especially "if" I see them in porn.
I hope this offers some type of perspective on your situation.
Hi there 2Bnormal51
I understand your confusion. I to have always had troubles dealing with my sexuality. I have identified as almost anything. I have always been afraid of sex with women and about 20 years ago I stopped letting anyone touch me. I live two lives most of my life Gay and Straight neither has worked out for me so I am celibate now. Sexual abuse started before I was 5 years old.
Sex with women I faked my way through it. Sex with men felt right for some time but now I am not sure about sex at all.
Sex of any kind makes me feel dirty.


Thanks Esterio, ***Possible Trigger warning***
I know I am there now, I just recently had a man give me a massage, not for a "happy ending" but he wanted to go further and I out of "fairness" allowed it to go further, but I put a stop to it, because I realized it was not what I desired to do. I was not desiring it, and that was a true realization, it was not necessary.
So no sex was fulfilled, I just wanted the human connection to a man.

I've learned a truth, and now I KNOW I can live without it.
I believe a healing in this area has taken place.
I've got other issues that run deep, but my faith is in the Power of God to overcome.
Thanks for sharing.......
I tried Massage once with a women and once with a man in the last 20 years. They both told me I need to relax I was mot able to. I went to several sessions before I stop going it was not helping me. It was making me worse I could not relax. I do crave human connection I have not been able to let happen yet. I hope for it to happen one day.
Thank you for sharing


I guess I always knew even before I had words for it. It is hard to describe but I knew early on that I was different from my brothers and when I realised what gay meant I figured that that more or less fit me. I have no idea if or how the abuse influenced my orientation, there is simply no way to know what I would have been without the abuse. I had six brothers my dad was the abuser, I have good reason to believe that he targeted me more than my brothers because he saw early on that I was gay and he hated that. None of my brothers are gay and we all grew up in the same family so I guess I must have been born that way, either way it doesn’t matter now my only choice is to live the best life I can being honest about who I am. For me I think being gay or bi is about who one can fall in and stay in love with.

As for your situation I think that watching gay porn or having intimacy difficulties with your wife may be solely as a result of having been abused. Hope and trust that with therapy etc things become clearer for you.

Thanks for sharing this. I would be interested to hear more about your journey out of the gay life. These are honest questions. I am very interested. I question my sexuality all the time.

I only put them in a list so that it would be easier for you to see them.

- Can you tell me more about what you consider the gay lifestyle is?
- Do you think there are people that are born gay or inherently homosexual?
- It appears that your faith is important to you. Can you tell me more about your faith and how it plays a part in your sexuality. Do you feel judgement for having gay desires, etc...




So, I took the advice of you guys and listened to and read some of the suggestions. It all makes a little more since as to some if my struggles with my relationship in the bedroom with my wife.
Does it get easier....I hope so. I'm going to so what I teach other people to do and work on breaking the addiction habit I have with porn. I've tried this before, numerous times, but like all other addictions, I always found a reason to go back.
I know this is going to be hard, but definitely worth it. Any suggestion from anyone who has stopped watching porn?

And, I cannot that you all enough for your support and suggestions. Many thanks.....

Addicts ALWAYS find a reason to go back. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I posted about porn addiction here somewhere. I’ll find a link to it for you.

Community is the only way out. Look up SA, SAA or SLA for a meeting in you area. It’s safe and anonymous.

Practice HALT (Dont be Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) eat right, deal with anger, be in community and get enough sleep

You are using an addiction to numb some pain, emotions or difficult situations in your life. It’s okay to ask people to help you through those. I’m willing to bet that you were raise to take care of yourself because there wasn’t someone to ask for help or it didn’t do any good to ask.

Take care,



You hit the nail on the head. I'm from an abusive family, with alcoholic father. I learned a long time ago to rely on myself and stay under the radar. Was told by mother that I was not apart of the family and was treated as so. IJH
I’m sorry that happened to you. Most people with addiction (what ever the substance) are afraid to ask for help because they were taught to do it themselves. Unfortunately, you can’t beat addiction alone. The addiction cycle is sometimes short and sometimes long; but the answer to the question, “am I going to do it?” Will always be ‘yes’. You have too much of you brain invested in it. When you stop, emotions that you didn’t know you had will be there. But with help you can talk through them, connect with others, learn to enjoy hobbies, lean to enjoy meditation and even developed something that you have a passion for other than wasting your life away on porn. Believe me, I’m not there yet. And I don’t judge you in anyway. Your upbringing made you this way...
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The post I was talking about is:
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Hello IJH, pat yourself on the back. You are doing what most people won’t, and that is asking for help. I am slowly getting ready to separate from my wife, I am letting her take the reins on the pace we go. You see we are all on our own journey together and mine has led me to know I am gay. That being said, I quit smoking several years ago and I found mentally throwing myself into my son’s playtime or what he was doing, cleaning up while my wife watched our son, anything to involve myself to not think about smoking. That seemed to help more than the patches or gum. Once I knew I needed to see a therapist I was really having a hard time focusing at work, my mind was trying to reconcile my sexuality and so I started walking at lunch around the block. I put my earphones in and went to work. With all the thoughts going on I found throwing myself into the walking helped my mind to stop racing as much. I too come from an abusive background, but wanted to give some things that I found worked for me. Oh, I am not a “gym” person, I am about 70 pounds overweight but the PTSD symptoms just kept getting worse and I was forced to wait for therapy to start. We are all here to help each other so please keep posting.
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Thank you everyone for your help. I wanted to add something to my initial question how how you knew you were gay or not.
Although, I'm attracted to men at times, I don't want to be gay. I just don't see myself living in that lifestyle. I love my wife and want more than anything to respond the way I want with her. This is the struggle...I don't think I'm supposed to be gay. If this makes any sense whatsoever.

I'm confused I guess.