How Depression Feels

[KMCINVA]

I have never been able to put into words how I have felt many times and I realize depression is debilitating. I thought this article described what I have felt accurately. I thought I would share and if you have these symptoms talk to someone, get help and do not be like me, thinking I can retreat and pull through--because several times I almost did not. Do as I say and not as I do--


https://themighty.com/2017/01/physical-effects-of-depression/


How Depression Makes Your Body Feel

The image that we often get of a sad girl with tears on her face sitting in a dark corner is hardly the full story of depression. It is this very image that many people have that may limit their understanding of what it truly means to have depression. Do I cry more than I used to? Sure. Do I hide in a dark corner? I’d like to, or at least curl back into my bed. Am I sad? Not really; hopeless and desperate, but not sad.

To those who have not experienced depression, the question of “how depression makes your body feel” might be a strange one. What does a mental illness have to do with your body, anyway? Sure, some chemicals may be a bit out of whack, but that’s in the brain, right?

Depression can steal your physical, emotional and mental energy. Fatigue is actually one of the diagnostic criteria for major depressive disorder. When I get up in the morning, I wake up exhausted, even if I manage to get eight or nine hours of sleep. My body feels weak and my brain feels foggy. My brain tells me I’m too tired and it’s not worth the effort anyway. Getting out of bed is a monumental feat. I force myself up after pressing snooze a few times and get on with my day. By lunch, I feel like I’ve been up a full day already.

Depression can hurt. Research suggests depression can actually cause the brain to feel pain more intensely. Furthermore, depression as an illness frequently shows up with aches and pains. For me, a combination of stress and depression contribute to chronic pain in my neck, shoulders and upper back. When I don’t get at least eight hours of sleep, my localized pain becomes generalized pain. My whole body hurts, and I just want to curl into a ball. Cold weather and drafts make it worse. Depression plus the common cold can be a nasty combination.

Depression can feel physically heavy. It can feel like someone is constantly pushing your head down and your body towards the ground. Holding your head up and smiling can feel impossible. Sometimes, it feels like gravity is just working twice as hard on you. And, more often than not, anxiety — diagnosed or undiagnosed — can come with the depression. I feel a sensation of pressure weighing on my chest. I feel like I can’t breathe well or I’m not getting enough oxygen. It becomes very hard to focus on anything, because relieving that pressure becomes the only thing I can think about.

I’ve found depression can hold sleep captive and return it at the most inconvenient times. It can cause you to overeat, and it can cause you to have no appetite. Even though you’d like to do more, exercise more, eat better, these things can become the hardest things to do. When someone confides that they have depression, they are not revealing a weakness. Rather, they are demonstrating their strength despite a difficult, often chronic illness.

If you have depression, keep fighting. You are strong. Celebrate the small victories.

 

[Elad1]

Thanks for sharing Kevin.

The last time I said I feel depressed, the person I was with said, "what are you depressed about? You shouldn't feel depressed, look at what you have." To which I replied, "Unfortunately depression doesn't have anything to do with what you have." He didn't say anything to that. I'm tired of people telling me how I feel, it can be a real trigger for me because as a child I was constantly told how to feel. I know this isn't the topic of what you shared but thanks for listening.

 

[Ceremony]

I've been thinking about this since I started this new ptsd journey. There seems to be a lot more emotion now. I could feel quite a lot, and seemed to process in good time? Doubt arises because of the NEW ptsd, diagnosed, but unknown before I seemed to switch this old trauma on after 39 years? Does that make sense?

When, sometime in June, or there about, I awoke to check my trauma, a lot of new thinking arose. Like changing my long held guilt about it being my fault. That was a big step. Reaching out was new too, doing anything toward looking at this trauma seemed all new. I felt a lot more of two emotions, pain and anger. Too much to add to my ongoing situation. But, slowly manageable.

The recent holidays revisited decades of exactly the same thing. Expected, but wished deeply it were otherwise. This time later, I want to restart work. This post isn't all new to me Kevin, but looking at it realistically since this new work, is new. I do need to consider my former depression resurged? I've had physical pain for so long, it seems an aging thing. Being 55, I've resigned to the rest of life is full of physical pain. That and sleep deprivation. But, if depression is involved?

Too bad I can't have it looked into. Maybe by March or so? That's not too far away.

 

[Bluedogone]

Eladi,

I think that's one of the main reasons CSA is so ominous. The loss of control over everything physical and emotional about us. First by our abusers, and then, as you said, by parents and people around us. Telling us how we feel. It's only when we can regain the sense (we lost as abuse survivors) that we are in control of our lives, our destiny, and the direction our lives will take from this day forward can real healing begin.

 

[zookeeper]

Blue

I agree. The overwhelming sense of loss of control is nearly maddening to me. I was controlled (both emotionally in general but during the attacks in a very literal manner) by my primary abuser. Not an action, word or, in some ways, thoughts were out of his control. Step one of my emancipation began at 16. But it's taken another 42 years to take step 2.

Great post Kevin, thanks for sharing.
Zoo

 

[KMCINVA]

Blue, Zoo, Elad1 and Ceremony

You thoughts are helpful. Zoo when you said sense of loss of control really hit me. Control goes back to my guilt and shame-having to admit he controlled me--difficult because part of me saw a part of me as special to the abuser--almost like a chosen one--where the rest of me saw him as a villain. Getting control of the total me is where I am focusing so I then can focus on my "emancipation" from him and all he did. I know this factors into my depression which can come on quickly and travels to different depths--but no matter what depth there is darkness, exhaustion, inability to mobilize strength to think and focus clearly--I can focus on the negatives and loss of desire to function or live.

Control is an excellent word and it is important I focus of the different venues in which control and lack of control impact my life.

Kevin

 

[KMCINVA]

Strange after I wrote the above I received from a friend the following

When you cannot control what is happening
Challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what is happening
That is where your power is!

 

[Ceremony]

There was a time, which I reference to check my depression, and that was when I got sober. That time nearing 17 years ago this March, was so emotionally tumultuous, I would compare it to this trauma ptsd. It truly took constant contact with the AA groups I chose, and WelbutrinXL (time release) to mellow the mind storms.

I would go off and drive hundreds of miles alone. Crying, screaming in the car, blaring music loud so I wouldn't hear myself scream.

I walked hundreds of days in 7 or so years among rows at cemeteries. Eventually choosing a huge local one. I walked every row. Not always reading, just being with a named human, no longer with us, but, they were formerly, so I tricked myself that I wasn't alone. So very alone.

I still do this, now via this internet. It's better, I might be physically alone. But, my sense that someone knows I exist helps me feel less alone. Odd though, my son is here, my wife's at work. I'll start a lesson soon...

When my wife left for work this morning, the first thing she told me is that she's depressed. I responded, "I know". She tried to explain why... I don't work full time making more money, and our son is homeschooling. Missing face time contact, and exercise. She's worried, "am I". "Yes" I responded. She knows why we're home schooling, but the money I am not making is all she thinks about. That she wants a break from working. Ok, I get that part. But, she has made more than I have, all our marriage.

Anyway... I could go way on and on...

The Depression is back. Like I said, I use that time when I first got sober as my reference. I started walking the cemetery again this summer and fall. I drove for hours aimlessly again. The ptsd has kicked the thing in again.

I'm not sure if arthritis is exaserbated by depression? Probably. I know stress exaserbates pain.

 

[Ceremony]

Crying inside all the time is tiring. Then adding sleep deprevation and stress, changes, loneliness, severe insecurity...

I'm depressed.

I cry inside very easily, and physically too (alone of course). I'm feeling a guilt, a burden of blame on myself for not being a positive influence to my wife, my daughter and my son. Just being loving, but with added troubles frustrates what good influence I might do. In other words, my negativity, stress shame, disappointment in myself give rise to this depression and just influence excuses to fail. Excuses to fail.

Looking inside, at loss, failure, excuses, I demotivate myself with keeping lies to myself cycling in thoughts. Depression influences the continuation of the cycle.

 

[Ceremony]

I post too much, wishing, no, desperation to stave off the punishment I want to inflict on myself, and tears of rejecting myself... aided by rejection throughout my life, deep, horrible insecurity...

I can push the horror talk into my mind so quickly... I gotta listen to music, the shame of this is cracking me

 

[Ceremony]

Depression feels physically unable to properly function and my thoughts are awash with anecdotes of my failures. It raises perception that people hate a loser. Heightens sensitivity to feeling worthless, useless, the boy rejected.

Insecurity that there is something to do, but holding back. Like seeing a train coming and pondering the result of staying put.

Lots of wishing.

Lots of crying.

Today is the 2nd day knowing I have a cold with mild fever. I was sure I was coming down with something for the past 7-8 days. I've gone to work anyway, feeling drained. And way to much sleep deprevation.

Again this morning I awoke about 3am. Though I barely slept by 1am. Couldn't get back to sleep until about 7am and awoke at 9:10. Weeks like this.

Work is not going like I want because I walk on concrete the whole shift. My knee suffers. I suffer.

My son has become somewhat baligerant toward listening. Typical almost 12.5 yr old. But, he's a bit selfish too. Then repeating anything about my wife is a waste of time. Complain why? I am hopelessly stuck.

Only when I make fairly good money can I get a modicum of respect, and I still get her nasty name calling.

I don't see much good today. Not 51% for sure. I'm struggling for 25.

Reading newbies and being welcoming... I went off, down the rabbit hole recently, I'm not safe. I'm a downer, the loser that gets rejected because they don't see 51%, or helping others right now brings them around. No, this is mental illness, this is me showing how the help needed would be a good idea to get.

Yeah, well that cost money. Here in the land of opportunities, yuh gotta pay to play. I can't pay. Unless I cut my phone, the last connection to any world. Cut this and have a bit of money for therapy. But no one can call me, no facebook, no posting, no email, total loss of contact in my world.

What world? Nobody knows me. Sees me, touches me physically, or looks in my eyes.

I think it's too much to ask me to cut this phone.

I won't be able to check my work schedule. Nor text my mom, or brother.

My wife won't be able to check in during her work day. And see what we've done.

I need Welbutrin XL again. But, with deductible and copay...

I'm tired of this... I'll ride it out, just look for 1% more each day, that 51% is only a month away.

This phone gives me music too. Without it I have no escapes. I've headphones, the Bluetooth kind. Got them with works Christmas product buy. So, for hours, I listen to music. I posted a lot of songs.

Well, if a short note of hi is in you, I could use some company.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi {{{Ceremony}}},

I accept the challenge of sending a short note of Hi. This may not be exactly what you have in mind, but here goes anyway.

You've done a remarkable and outstanding job of listing all the negatives in your life. Almost perfect, but there are probably even some you've missed.

HOWEVER, just from reading your forum posts I have noted some of the positives that you may have missed.

. You have a preteen son who seems to have those attributes called "being a boy." He is blessed with caring parents who want only the best for him, and a hope that he never experiences the trauma and hell of childhood abuse like you had in your past. There must be thousands of families that long for a chance to have their own children to raise and nurture. Your son is a treasure, not a millstone.
. You have a wife who brings home an income. How many households have only one income with a spouse who brings in NO income.
. Even though you apparently don't care too much for it, you have a job. There are countless people unsuccessfully looking for a job, any job, so they don't have to join the homeless.

If I could come to Minnesota and say this to you face to face (If you first didn't punch me in the mouth for saying all this stuff ) I'd say you're not a loser, crying is not a sign of a loser, you don't have to go over again and again the anecdotes of your failures, you're not worthless, you're not useless. I'm definitely not saying that it just proves you were right all along. Not at all. No matter how many times you think you are, or say to yourself you're worthless, you're wrong. YOU ARE WORTHY. You deserve better than this.

I'm not naive enough to think it isn't tough and hard work, because I know it is. It's often thankless and painful. But you're tougher and stronger than the situation you're faced with. Having a cold on top of knee pain doesn't put you in the best of moods, but how you face reality is entirely up to you. Only you can change, but it doesn't have to be faced alone. There must be thousands of guys here who've faced situations similar to yours, and this site isn't called Male Survivors for nothing.

As long as there's a breath, there's hope. Hang in there, my friend.

 

[Ceremony]

If you were here, I would cry and cry. Needing hugs to calm down these drowning waves.

I wonder when I might think to try checking with anyone in my past, or my brother, mom or sister. It's just no one can sit with me, and hold me While I cry my brains out. There's really no one big enough to hold me. I'm too big. Hugs are good, but I want to cry.

I keep listening to music all the time. Some of when my wife is around....

My son and daughter are treasures, reasons I'm alive and sober. My burden isn't fair to them. I'm the millstone.

I can't think clearly...

 

[Tryingtolive]

I feel like that

 

[KMCINVA]

Depression is a horrible thing and until one experiences it one does not know the pain and depth of despair it can cause. Depression is significantly higher in adults of child sexual abuse. I have seen studies which say it can be three to four times greater in survivors. I have not escaped it. I remember my former wife said after my brother died, he was the one I believed may have been abused by the priest, I was depressed. I look back and since the syncope I can remember the feelings I now understand are depression. I would want to be alone, I had no ambition to do things, I could not sleep and I felt alone many times. When my brother died I was experiencing syncope and the memories of the abuse were with me. My brother's death escalated my emotions and thoughts of how he died. I did not connect or should I say I did not want to connect his death to the possibility he was abused. I held onto the priest's words, I went back so he would not hurt my younger brother.

I would come out of these bouts but now realize the state of non-depression were becoming shorter and shorter. I tried to hide the depression and I guess when I would dissociate the depression could not be felt. I know the depression resulted from the abuse and the control it had over me.

Ceremony and Tryingtolive I know it may not be consoling but so many of us live with depression. Mental illness strikes survivors and sadly it is not understood by many. Even when suffering it, one may not be aware because at least for me, I retreated, I was down, I did not want to do anything and when attacked I retreated further into my world.

Even as I heal I have bouts of depression. I understand I can get relief from the depression once I begin to take control of my emotions from the abuse, abuser and others who push me down. It sounds simple but at least for me it has been a monumental struggle. I want to be happy, I want joy and I want to feel free of the abuse.

Once my mind would freeze into a state of immobilization I would begin to focus on the negatives of life and could not think rationally or see purpose in life.

I do not have the answer how to eradicate these feelings but I am learning taking control of my life from the abuse, abuser and those that push me down is something that will help. I have been told to do this for years but only now am I beginning to realize I can do it. I can do it with support and changing my mindset. Is it the answer for you, only you will know.

I do not like to see or hear of people suffering from depression because I know the impact it had on my life. I am not blind and must be diligent not to let it take hold of my life again. I need to be vigilant to know the signs that it is creeping towards me again.

I hope you begin to feel better and can find joy and happiness.

Kevin

 

[batman72]

For me, depression starts as numbness. I lose any energy that I have to do anything except get up and go to work. Then, it just gets worse from there. Finally, feelings come back, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and fatalism. The only plausible solution is suicide, but my rational mind, which tried to but in every now and then, says no. So the battle begins with my irrational mind being fed by a past of hateful memories, careless and hurtful words, and a Rolodex of failures, and my rational mind attempting combat with, "Just take the next step forward." Even my present state says that I'm no good and my irrational mind takes every word and action from others personally to weave a scenario of how much better the world would be without me.

Next, guilt and shame show up to remind me that I don't have it that bad and that if I express my feelings, not only are they wrong, but I'm taking up valuable time that others could be using to do more important things to take care of besides me.

After all that, I stuff it all down deep inside where no one, including myself, can discover what they are. I had the belief that they would just go away, but they don't do that. In fact, those stuffed feelings do something even more sinister. They erode my sense of self completely away, so that not only do I feel like nothing, but I can't even find the person I was years ago before all of this started. And all because one man decided that it would be alright to use me for his sexual pleasure.

I had hoped at one time that I would come to a point in my life where I could get over this and lead a normal life. Then, I believed that if I could overcome the shame from the sexual abuse, I could go on living the best life I could given what I'm faced with. Now I think I"ll be held captive by depression and trapped by anxiety for the remainder of my life. The best I can get would be a few days of relief before the next wave of negativity hits.

Depression sucks!

 

[KMCINVA]

Depression definitely sucks. I had a rough few days. I was feeling better and batman72 the numbness started to set in. It paralyzes me. Then I can hardly function and like you said the thoughts start running through the mind. I am trying to change the thoughts as they start entering. I can do it for awhile and then wham they are back. It truly sucks. The Diocese with all that is going on has reminded me at this stage of the process it could be triggering and to take care. Depression is one thing that can result from the triggering.

I have at times wondered why I even tried or started the healing process. Too much pain, too much hurt, too much dissociation for me to turnaround and I hope I can see it through.

 

[batman72]

I'm truly sorry, KMCINVA! There are times that I wish I was the only one who experienced these feelings so that no one else would have to. Other times, I'm glad that there are those who understand me. I understand.

 

[KMCINVA]

Batman72

Thank you. I was exhausted, I was crying all day yesterday and around 6 pm I felt the gripping, the numbness overtaking and then the memories. I have told myself I will call someone when I feel this way after what happened during Thanksgiving. I called friends and they came for me. Last night they gave me tea, I think it was their famous bhang tea and I think it was loaded with bhang. Last I remember it was around 8:30 pm and I found myself on their couch this morning at 5:30 am. I looked up and they were wrapped in blankets on the small couch sleeping in a cuddle. They are a beautiful husband and wife. They were keeping an eye on me. I did not want to wake them. I have not slept like this is ages.

I feel better and believe the exhaustion makes my sense of depression worse. I cried a little this morning but the tears would not flood the room like the previous days. I should not have looked at my email. A kind note but a reminder of what is ahead and has happened. More lawyers and one would like to be done with lawyers, to speak with. Here we go and how much more I must share comes to mind, the other boy, my brother, me--me is easier because I have don it many times before--and everyone else that has to tell. I guess when I first went to the Diocese in April 2013 I must have known it would not be an easy journey but never as convoluted as it seems. I thought it was over but best for others to tell to help them free themselves.
The doctor believes reliving the abuse and these feelings that are covering the gamut from beginning to where I am today is a sign of the grieving and mourning I am going through--the child, me, the other boy who died from suicide(and yes I never realized I would mourn him).

I wanted to add something I wrote on another thread, the doctor said I have been through denial which has been the longest of my stages--45 years or so and anger--only recently have I expressed anger at the abuser and those that tormented me and I am very slowly moving through two stages at one time bargaining and depression at the same time. He said this complicates the process. Bargaining he said is the guilt and sense of helplessness which are in the questions I ask myself. Depression he said is two pronged--sadness for what was lost, the child and my childhood and the other preparing to separate myself from family--a goodbye. He said the latter for me is difficult because I am slowly moving to fully accepting the damage they have done and continue to deny. This type of depression he said can be crippling. He believes the final stage acceptance is coming through the tears. He said it could last for days, weeks or even months due to the long period of denial and the extremes of the syncope, dissociation and torment. He warns stay close to those I can rely on. The stages I am in now are the most difficult and for some they never move beyond.


I am very cautious now with all that has happened since Thanksgiving--I do not want to push myself to that state once again. I have told friends be prepared for me to become that one who leans on them. They have all said no problem--anytime and during the past week different groups have come to my aid. I may be an avid writer here, because here I know people understand. Writing helps me to free some of the pain.

Take care

Kevin

 

[batman72]

Thank you for that outpouring of emotion, Kevin! Thank you for the transparency that you are living and the bravery you are taking on. You truly are a superhero!

I'm so thankful for the couple that provided you a safe place for your healing. I'm so glad for people that understand that depression isn't just feeling bad, but is an actual disease that affects your entire body.

Please feel free to write with me to help you process what you are going through.