How deep dows it go?

[Grunty1967b]

Im trying to work through memories of my abuse but I must admit Im still staying clear of actual details. Thats still too painful. Other than I know it was my older brother and it happened for 7 years, and I can remember certain times I dont want to remember any more right now.

Some time ago in a session with my therapist, my T asked if I was aware of any other family members who were abused. She cited that where incest took place it was rarely in isolation and normally came from elsewhere in the family. I thought on that for a little while but couldnt come up with much more info.

Many sessions later we got talking about my family life and upbringing in general. That was very upsetting, not just because of the abuse but because of the whole environment. As Im learning incest doesnt happen unless the situation is ripe (normally) so its sad working through that.

I came to see that my own parents had and still do have a pretty sad marriage and their own union was probably out of some major reaction of abuse somewhere. Perhaps their own abuse? Thats what I may never know. Ive never disclosed to my family and probably never will so it wont be dinner conversation.

Just today, I was talking with my mother on the phone and she mentioned that shes always had nerve problems as had one of her brothers. Id actually wondered if one of her other brothers had been the abuser of my brother. My T suggested perhaps my mothers father abused her. I had told my T about my mums peculiar relationship with her father and how my mothers mother was always jealous of them. Classic traits Im told of an abuse environment.

Anyway, what sent shivers down my spine was my mum saying today about how her other brother also had nervous problems. Could he have also been abused? Is abuse really in my family apart from just my brother abusing me?

I wont get answers from my family, nor here I know but this is Family and Friends and I rarely post here but I wanted to post and share what I thought others could relate to and perhaps impart thoughts on also.

By the way hi everybody.

 

[shadowkid]

incest its a whole differnt animal huh? my big worry is if stuff like this really is like some genetic thing you know ?does it happen over and over in families? are we predestined to repeat the same stuff ,i lay awake at night trying to see if im like my family in any way cause if i am then maybe i will end up like my abuser who i thought was my cousin but turned out to be my dad,my cousin raped my mom then 11 years later he molested me .i only recently found out the man i though was my dad wasnt,he would actullay have been my uncle . its so screwed up!

 

[ScottyTodd]

Both of you guys bring much to the table here. Incest is usually not in isolation meaning you are probably not the only victim in the family. For my incest, I was abused by the only 2 cousins on my mother's side of the family [1 male and 1 female]. This went on from 5 years to 13 years old. They were my mother's only brother's only 2 children. About 30 years later, my mom shared with me she was sexually molested by her only brother for several years and in severe ways. She never got counseling (as a matter of fact-not even my dad knew of her abuse). I feel abuse occurs generationally in families because of a mind set (a way of thinking about themself and deserve/don't deserve in life). This thinking includes not learning safe boundaries, victimized thinking and other components that place a child at risk...vulnerable for abuse. The parent, if having been a victim, is unable to see in their child what they refuse to face in themselves; therefore, unable to protect or keep that childsafe. It's a matter of discovering the weakness in how I was raised and challenging/changing that thinking! It is most difficult because I didn't know about my mothers abuse nor identify where my thinking went wrong until yers into my recovery process! These missing pieces prevented conclusions being made that were necessary to get the answers I needed to change the way I thought! I'm sorry it's so long but I hope it makes sense.

Howard

 

[Grunty1967b]

Youre spot on Howard. As I think about my mother in particular and how it is quite likely she was abused herself, in her generation it was certainly not a talked about thing.

She possibly denied it ever happened and perhaps still does (even to herself) and as you suggested, therefore failed to created a protective environment for her kids (me) and bam! More incest breeds again (which it did).

Im also seeing other pieces of the puzzle come together such as touch issues with her and in my whole family actually not to mentioned the high level of dysfunctionality and theres no substance abuse to blame any of it on. Doesnt leave many more smoking guns hey?

 

[sis]

to all who posted.
What a trip. I am with you grunty i have had only 3 flashbacks of my childhood, i can do without anymore atleast until i am more settled. i am a female survivor and have male survivors in my family. My son being one of them. i was recently diagnosed with DID. My mom told me last year sometime tht she was sexually abused as a kid. she and the rest of my family except my grandad has turned their backs on me through all of it. I had suspicion that my mom was abused, that's why she married one, our perp. My mom's dad who is a good guy and not the abuser of my mom talks to me but we don't talk about the abuse. but i did tell him that i have DID. He told me that he was told he had split personalities durring the war, i almost dropped the phone. He wasn't in the war, problem with his foot. So, i am left thinking, who got to him? the same one who got to my mom? Yes, this goes way back generations. When my son was abused i forbid my stepdad from being around my son but my grandmother snuck behind my back and let my mom and the perp. see him, i freeked. My grandmother before she died, she was a good women, said that worst things can happen. My mouth hit the floor and of cource we got into an argument. my point is they reallly believed that then and there were and still are so many sick secrets in families who have generations of csa in their back ground. Oh yeah my mind is blown as to how deep this is. It kinda gives me some understanding why i have met such denial, no support from family, and basically thrown to the wolves to either sink or swim on my own with no family support. Their whole infra structure would come crashing down as mine has when i decided to recover and not live the lie. Pretty good topic. thanks, light and luv, sis