How can i help my son?

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How can i help my son?

I am not the member named on this message, I am his father and late last night he woke me up trembling and in tears and holding a letter for me. I was expecting it to be about school, where he has had some serious social difficulties, but instead it was the bombshell that no parent expects. He has been abused many times, even in our own home, by someone we know and entrusted with his safety.

I have no idea how to deal with this, and I do know we need professional guidance. My son comes first of course, but I know that I, my wife, and our oldest son, who has also been told, will also need some support. My first step is to see to the medical aspects of what has happened and I want to deal with the issues at school as well, since the whole picture of what has been happening there needs to be reconsidered. I am hoping that the people I talk to will be able to guide us further.

I love my son and will do whatever is required to get him (and us) through this, but I have absolutely no resources in terms of knowledge about these things. I looked on this site for books that might be helpful, and immediately found that there are hundreds of them and that some supposedly factual accounts are suspected of being fiction. If anyone has any suggestions for an especially good book to read for our situation I would be most grateful. I know we won't find solutions just in books, but at the moment I am willing to grasp any straw.

Please bear in mind that this is my son's account. He will see any messages sent here and will pass them on to me. That is perhaps not a bad idea, as I don't want him to feel that everything is being arranged behind his back, but please avoid saying anything that will trouble him further. Thanks in advance for your help, and our special thanks to all those who have supported my son and encouraged him to confide in us. I apologize if my question has been raised previously. At the moment I am not really able to search all the threads to see if something on this has already been said.
 
Hi glaukos's dad.

You are being very kind and considerate to your son to keep everything where he can see it-- I'd suggest if either or both of you are going to keep using the site, you set some "ground rules" for the site though-- for example, maybe you promise not to bring up what you read here unless he gives you permission? Whatever works for you and your family. If you're seeing or starting to see a professional, he or she could help you work that out. Also, the moderators here can help you if you have any questions or concerns about the site.

If you do a web seach for "secondary survivors" you will find some good articles about what to do and how you may feel when someone close to you has been abused.

You are already doing the most important thing you need to do-- believe him. Listen to him. Let him know you are on his side and will fight for him. I am a parent too and I know it seems impossible that you would have ever done anything but that for your son-- but it is a real fear for survivors and he might need a lot of reassurance.

Also he may be afraid, as my partner was, that after he told, your relationship would change. Your son might fear that you won't see him the same way anymore, or that your emotions will be overwhelming-- and he doesn't want to be the cause of your pain and guilt. Remember, the pain and guilt belong only to his abusers-- he didn't cause it and you didn't either. Make some time to do the lighthearted, loving things you've always done together-- movies, sports, whatever. Don't let this affect what's really important. That's probably the best thing you can do to help him feel safe.

Good luck to you all.
SAR
 
I am sorry to hear about glaukos,

I have tried to give him some support as an older abuse survivor.

I am glad you are taking concern in your boy, and I do hope you have his express permission to ask for advice on this site.

If I remember, he said this was still going on in his life, I hope that has now stopped.

As a father to a young boy who has gone through this, I would say one thing, and that is, give him time to tell you, or not tell you.

It is never so easy for someone so young to say what really happened. It is so easy for parents to pry too far into what the boy wants to let out, but tell him you are there for him.

I would say one thing, and that is, never be overprotective, I say that, because it can feel so negative in a young boy, because he needs to find himself, and that is not easy for any father to consider, but give him space.

A therapist maybe a good idea, but only if he agrees to it, and he is ready to talk in therapy.

Try to be a normal family, and do not think that his feelings will just go away, he will have fears and other feelings.

The one feeling I always remember was the thought of catching a disease, which should be addressed at an early stage.

I do not know how old your boy is, but I do know he is hurt, and it is a deep sadness for us all, but we can help, if we can,

I ask you only this one thing, do not blame your son for what happened to him, it was never his fault, he will have so much worry on thinking that somehow he invited this, and will feel the guilt and shame of being involved in something entirely out of his control.

And it can lead to trauma and depression in childhood.

All I ask, is that you look at your boys last post in the forum, and see how frightened he must have been.

take care,

ste
 
Dear Friends,

First of all, thank you so very much to those of you who have responded here. It has all been very helpful. I did consult my son before coming here, and I guess it is a good sign that he agreed that I should do so. It was also his idea – or that of his survivor friends in the chat room – that I be invited to talk to other survivors this evening. I am a member of the “pre-Internet” generation so it had my head spinning, but thank you to all who had suggestions, and especially to Theo, who gave up his evening in order to advise me and help me understand.

Basically, I am trying to get the information I need to help my son. I now know some important things that I did not know a day ago, but until Friday night I had no idea that he was facing any problem like this. I know I still have a lot to learn.

I can see that apart from believing him and stressing that none of this was his fault (it ended four years ago), he needs to know that I am there for him when he is ready and that I know things need to proceed at a pace he can handle. Last night I paniced and rushed into making a list of “things to do”, beginning on Monday at the doctor's office and moving on to his school! But that list has now been thrown away. We will go at his pace and when he is ready.

I can also see it is vital, on the one hand, that he still feel like any other 16-year-old boy, with needs for all the usual fun and activities, and on the other hand, that he has his autonomy and integrity in all this and feels safe in the knowledge that his feelings are respected. Ste, you refer to what I guess must be a disturbing post of his here; thank you for that. I have seen a few others by members of this forum, so I can just imagine what it must be like. I am grateful to those who provide a place where a terrified boy can come with things like that and feel safe in expressing them. My instinct as a father is to ferret out the post immediately, but after my discussions tonight I think perhaps I should not do so. He has not mentioned it to me, so I suspect it was never written for my eyes and if I read it perhaps that could be distressing for him.

I cannot describe how it feels to have something that was always a problem “somewhere else” strike your own home and ravage it for years without your knowledge. For us this came as a bolt from the blue – we thought. We simply did not know what the signs were or how to interpret them, but tonight I can see that the signs were all there. If there are doubtful parents reading my words now, I have three words for you:

See, Listen, Believe
 
i jus wanted 2 say i no where ur comming from n i think ur doing a good job. I myself have gone thu it n now i a father of 5 kids (4 boys) n i would probally think the same way u did. I no it mus b hard 4 u but i no both of u can do it. If u ever need anything or wanna talk, i here. -Donnie
 
Dear Glaukos Dad,

WHen I read you post this morning, I cried because my dad was in the same situation you are feelings except for mine happened about 40 years ago and I just told him 4 months ago.

I went over to tell him and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My doctor was the first one I told, my dad and I have the same Dr. The Dr told me that I was not to tell my dad because he has severe heart problems and if I told him he could have a heart attack and die.

What a terrific burdon to carry around. I did it any way though and he didn't have a heart attack, in fact we have a more open relationship then we ever had.

It has been hard for both of us in the last few months, and now I can look in his eyes and not feel ashemed, I feel strength. He is an encouragement to me.

We are working on this together and I love him very much. I don't know you or your son, but the way you care for your son sounds like the way my dad cared for me whem I told him, you will get through it together.

My peace to you and your family.
 
Dear Glaukos Dad, I read your post above, and I immediately thought, hey what a great understanding man.

You understand so much of your sons needs, and not prying or making the ground rules for him, will make it so much easier.

It must have took a great deal of courage, for your son to even tell you what he has, and the past four years must have been hell, both for him and for your family.

You found so much out in the chat, Theo is a great man of understanding, I myself never visit the chat, as there is a huge gap in the time difference of my country, and my browser does not really support the java needed to use chat.

You can usually find the answers to a lot of things that can be so troublesome, in these events, without you looking through all the books available.

I can recommend two good books;-

Victims no longer - Mike Lew
Abused boys - Mic Hunter
Should be available on Amazon.

Your son will have lifted a huge burden, but there will still be a lot of hurt to be addressed, but it is vital to give him space when he needs it, and deal with it, at his own pace.

Dealing with it at an early stage, is far better than not dealing with it, I hope that you both gain strength through all you have each been through.

take care,

ste
 
Glaukos' Dad:
If you pm me with the area where you live (nearest cities of size that are commutable for seeing a therapist) I may be able to recommend someone with experience in this area. In any event, this is not a "do-it-yourself" project.

See https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/consumer.htm for some help in finding someone appropriate.

Be there for him, don't push too hard, know when to back off, and have a positive attitude that it will get better. Remember, being a teenager is tough enough under the best of circumstances. This problem adds to it but you will survive.
Ken
 
Dear Friends,

Thank you again for all your concerns and help. I appreciate it far more than you can know! Thanks especially to ste for the book recommendations and to Ken for advice on a therapist for my son.

I have seen a lot of this site and have spoken to a few of you, and it has been an eye-opening and humbling experience. One issue that I feel especially sensitive about is the way in which some of you express frustration at the world's lack of engagement with the issue of boyhood child abuse. With part of this I am now in total agreement. It seems obscene that there can be agonies over the snail darter (a fish, isn't it) and shooting wild cats in Wisconsin while we sit in silence as boys all around the country are abused and condemned to years of suffering. My heart and best wishes go out to all of you who have had the courage to discuss these matters from your own past here on this site. But let us not underestimate the factor of ignorance as opposed to neglect. On this I am suddenly an expert. We genuinely had no idea, although I suspect already that some of Kevin's actions have been cries for help. There really is an awareness problem. Ordinary folks do not know what signs to look out for, or what changes in behavior may mean for a child who is those difficult teen years anyway. I am not seeking to escape blame here – I should have seen this coming and I didn't, even with four other sons as a basis for comparison. I just want to point to an awareness issue that strikes me as very important.

Much as I have learned here, and much as I could – and should – continue to learn, I will not be returning to the site and this will be my last post. After some thought, I think my son needs as many resources as possible that he can feel safe with and that he can relate to at his own pace. This site is important to him. In order for him to be able to use it and trust it, he needs to be secure in his knowledge that what he says or does here remains here – that he is in control. He can't have that confidence if his father is here as well. It would be like having a joint email address! Perhaps that will change in the future, but for now I think that is how it has to be.

So thanks again for your assistance and support, and my congratulations for your remarkable courage and the important work of this organization,
John
 
Dear Glaukos and Glaukos' Dad,

I have read all of both of your posts, each of which has had a huge impact on me emotionally and spiritually, from the very painful to the beautiful, healing and hopeful/inspiring. I am crying right now with both the utter anguish that any of this stuff ever happens to anyone, but also with joy and relief at knowing you have each other and are there for each other.

You are so incredibly blessed to have the kind of relationship you appear to: Glaukos, to have the kind of loving, respectful, supportive, trustworthy and emotionally available father you seem to have; and, Glaukos' Dad, to have the incredibly courageous, very special son that you are so clearly blessed with.

I don't know what else to say right now that hasn't been said here already.

You are not alone and we are all here for you, survivors, partners and friends alike.
God Bless you both and your family as a whole.

Stride
 
Dear Friends,

I know I said previously that I would not be back, but your group has become so important to Kevin that it becomes more and more difficult to stay away. I should say first of all that I continue to observe Kevin's wishes where my visits here are concerned. I do not look at other areas of the site where Kevin is raising issues that may be very private for him, and I have his permission to be here now.

I just want to thank you all for all your interest and kindness and support. That was very important to us when Kevin first told us of his abuse history, and we are trying to move forward and support our son as much as we possibly can.

Special thanks to those of you who encouraged him to tell me about a certain telephone call he received while hospitalized recently. It was very important that he let me know about this, and had he not done so the consequences could have been very serious. So again, thank you.

Ella and I wish you all well in your recovery and in your efforts to help others and bring this issue to a wider public.

JT
 
JT and Ella,

U have a fine son who cares about u both. Kevin has a lot on his plate and both of U do also.

The support u give him to help him get better is the best care anywhere. The support of mom and dad is crutial to the understand and healing process. it is a hard road though, my parents are 71 and 75 and are dealing with me with the same issues and we have become closer in our relationshp.

Keving love u both very much. We make it everyday with our friends and family and our brothers here at MS

Kevin's friend Jim :)

Kev, share this with your mom and dad if u want, it is cool with me.
 
Hey JT, Kev thinks more than the World of you and his family, and it sure is cool to have a dad to talk to about issues that hurt.

A lot of guys dont have a dad who they can turn to, and I know you sure got mad at some things that happened recently, but you took the hurt away, not forgetting Mike, his big bro.

He loves you both and he just wants you to be the way you were with him, and just let him be himself and enjoy his family and his life, and just be the real Kev who he is meant to be,

I am sure he brings you joy in your family,

thnx,

ste
 
Glaukos and his dad:

I am so moved by the courage that the both of you have shown....Glaukos, for telling your dad what happened and dad, for being so understanding and supportive.

To Glaukos' dad: Always make him know that you are there for him and continue to remind him that he is a good human being who didn't deserve what happened, but you will do whatever is needed to help him work through this.

To Glaukos: I can't imagine how much strength it took for you to go to your dad and tell him. It sounds like you have a great relationship as father and son and that will go a long way in helping you to heal. Your dad may not always understand how you feel inside (some things can't be understood unless they go thru it themselves).

Ken Singer's link will hopefully help you both find the resources that you need. We are all behind you, supporting you in whatever you need.

Sophiesdad
 
JT -

There are very, very few men in the world that manage to earn my utmost respect, and you are one of them. Because of your courage & compassion, Kevin will heal and become a man you can be proud to call your son.

Blessings on you both,
ShyBear
 
JT,

As a father of two myself I can just echo what others are saying. Kevin seems to be picking up a lot here and certainly he is very active. That's good, but even more important is whether he feels free to try out these ideas and feelings in a safe environment in his real world, whether he knows its okay not to get it right all the time and stumble and be confused and just be 16. That means his home, and I think its wonderful the way you are so clearly providing this for him. It won't always progress the way you hope, but I feel confident that he will win through in the end.

Best regards,
Larry
 
Glaukos' dad,

I don't talk w/ Kevin at all. But I've followed his postings w/ concern and caring.

Thank you, sir. Thank you for your courage to face this when so many would run away. Thank you for the love and loyalty to Kevin that you are showing. Thank you for being with him.

I cannot imagine how difficult things must be for you, because I'm not a parent.

But I can offer you this, from my own experiences. A boy I knew was abused on his 15th birthday by a very close family friend. It was a horribly traumatic and distructive experience for him. His father found out the next day. Again, I'm not a father so I can't imagine the difficulty.

But as the months passed and the man and his son worked through the issues of SA, they found that their relationship DID change. It was better than it had ever been, because like soldiers in a battle, they had been through hell together, and they knew more surely than ever how deeply they loved one another.

I don't know all of Kevin's battles, though I often pray for him when I hear he's doing poorly. It's all I CAN do. But knowing he has a brave, determined, and loving father like yourself has made my morning.

What lies ahead will be more difficult than I can think of, but in that darkness, the light of love, support, and understanding shine brighter than ever.

I salute you, sir.
 
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