How can I help my son??

How can I help my son??
C

Can't Cope

Registrant
Here is my story....
I just found out last night that my son was molested by his father for 20 years. This situation is complicated by the fact that this man molested the other children in the family as well (2 daughters). When my youngest daughter told me what was happening with the oldest girl, I had him arrested and sent to prison for 5 years. During that time, neither of the other children told me what had happened to them at his hands.
The others kept their secrets, my other daughter 10 years, and my son told me last night. When he went to prison, the trauma to my family should have ended, but it didn't. While he was in prison he started correspondence with a woman who had a young son and subsequently married her when he was released in 1998. In 1999 my son (then 19) reconnected with his paternal grandparents through his work and through them got back in contact with his father. He (my son) approached me in 1999 and told me that he was in contact with him and wanted to move to where he lived. I was unaware of what had transpired between them previously and told my son that if that is what he wanted then to go ahead. I couldn't tell him how much a monster he was (my son was only 12 when he was sentenced, and I thought he didn't know how bad he really was)...
I found out last night that within a year of his moving to where his father lived, his father started sexually assaulting him once again. He was afraid of his father (very violent), and let him take him right back to where he was as a child emotionally. In addition to the sexual assault, he was forced to perform with others...one of these "others" was the child of the new wife.
Cut to right now.....
My son was arrested for the s/a of the child, his father accused of the same, however since he is still on probation for the previous offense against my daughter, he took off and is currently at large.
What can I do??? How can I help?? This whole thing is even more complicated since my son and his wife are expecting their first child....
Can he have a "normal" life? Can they? Is there ever a point where I can start sleeping again?? Has this ever happened to anyone else?
 
Can't Cope,

I am at a total loss for advice. You have been given a terrible burden. I hope some of the other guys can help you more than I did but I just want to say that I feel for you.

Nobby
 
Can't Cope,

There are times in life that we are given a set of circumstances that we truely can not control. The quicker we learn this and accept this, the better off we are.

I would suggest that you make an appointment with a therapist to explore all of the feelings that you are dealing with. Being a mother means being able to take care of your family. By understanding your own issues, you will be in a lot better position to help the rest of your family. You will also serve as a good role model for others in your family.

I would also try to open a dialog with your family and really talk about this stuff. I'm wouldn't be surprised if your two daughters have strong feelings that are not being properly dealt with becuase of the latest developments (as well as early childhood issues). These things just DON'T go away. They need to be dealt with or they will resurface later in life.

You may also want to consider praying (if you are so inclined). I'm sure you will get a lot of prayers from people on this site. When I first read your post, I was not going to reply because I did not know what to say - so I said a little prayer for you and your family. I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt like this.

Good Luck and God Bless,

Brian
 
I dont know if there is much you can do to help your son.
You could help his wife through with the baby though.

Your son will undoubtably go to jail, and on release will be put on an offender course.
He will need a social worker with him to access his own kid, and will not be able to live as a family.

The father will no doubt be sent down for life.
Its unfortunate when the cycle of abuse carries on, and you can see at first hand, just how hard it can hit.

I think that you need a counsellor yourself to get you through these difficult times, but do not put the blame on yourself,

ste
 
I need all the prayers I can get, trust me, over the years I've spent so much time in prayer.
The thing is, my son claims to have no inclination to abuse a child, that he was forced to by his father. How can we be sure that this is the case? He already knows that in order to protect himself, he cannot be alone with any child. Can a case be built on the fact that he's been abused for 20 years? The daughters do not want to have this brought up again, my oldest never dealt with it(and still won't) and my youngest dealt with it by cutting off ties with the perpetrator and becomming a successful woman. She refuses to talk about it with anyone else either.
It's hard not to blame myself...I keep looking back trying to see things I might have missed. I spent some time in therapy after my daughter's abuse came to fore, but this whole thing being opened up again in a new vein has just torn open all the old wounds.
 
You have to realise that a child has been abused.
Its unsettling to find your son went in search of his father whilst knowing his past.
He should have reported that his dad was doing things with this kid.

The thing he has in his favour, is the abuse itself may figure high in mitigation, but it is a serious charge, and he needs to find a barrister who works in the field of abuse.

A rape crisis centre may point you in the direction of finding a specialist.
Because he has done this, he will have a hard job of explaining his inclinations to the authorities.

Send a PM to Ken Singer, he works in this field, so does Thad.
You may be able to get something from them, because I live in UK,

ste
 
Hello can't cope, do send a PM to Ken Singer, he is trained to work with both sexual abused, and abusers. He should be able to tell you what to expect.

Also a high school friend of mine molested a young lad here in Texas, because he came forward and worked with the DA, he got ten years probation, but no jail time. I wish you well, in these trying times. Try to make sure all your kids get therapy, as it will help them to live with what happen to them.

Take care,
Clifford
 
Click this link.

https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_profile;u=00000075
 
Cope:
You are getting some good advice. I support the suggestions for finding a therapist and would add that you find a support group for yourself. This is a complicated sexual abuse situation that is impacting many people. Your local rape crisis program should be able to help. To locate one, contact www.rainn.org.

The other issues about your son's perpetration... Yes, many abused children have been conditioned by fear or the "pleasurable" aspects of sexual abuse to act out. However, your son made choices of moving back and participating in the abuse of others. While he may have been somewhat conditioned, he CHOSE to abuse (or at least chose not to contact the authorities) after his father first "forced" him.

He saw that intervention by the police did bring his father to the attention of the authorities, though perhaps he was not adequately treated or supervised after arrest, but you son should have known there would be consequences and that reporting could have some deterrance.

Please understand that I am not unsympathetic to your son, his family, and the others (especially you) who have been affected by this terrible situation. Since your son has not been in sex offense-specific treatment, his perspective of the abuse and the role he played has a long way to go in terms of his taking responsibility for his actions and dealing with his issues.

Your best role is to be supportive of the legal and treatment process. He needs help and it will come hopefully through the court. He may be placed on probation or go to prison. He will need to get proper treatment if he is ever going to be able to have contact with his child in the future. Support treatment and try to avoid taking sides.

Ken
 
CC,

it is important that you keep coming back here.
It is not easy for a mother to go through, and
you will be blaming yourself in all of this.

I need to ask one question here, and I am in no way judging you nor your family.
Did you know what was going on with your son when he grew up in your home?

You do not have to answer that one, because I know the control a parent can put on a whole family to not disclose, but, it might be part of the blame and guilt you are holding.

Sometimes a boy can form a real bond with a father, even though he abused him.
Because the father had ultimate control, then maybe your boy needed that control to live.

I dont want to dig too deep here, but control is what drives abuse, the want to control others, either by control, or past lack of control in growing up.

If this case was not significantly your sons fault, he may get a lighter sentence, but we dont
know the facts of the case,

ste
 
Unfortunately I did not know what was going on in my home. I knew that he was being hard on the kids and hitting them when I wouldn't have. I had no clue until my youngest walked in on her sister and the monster. I didn't find out about the rest of the abuse that was going on. I did have him arrested the same day I found out. I do blame myself to a certain extent...how could I have missed whatever was happening.
My son, by his own admission had blocked out what had happened when he was young. It only resurfaced for him after his father started sexually assaulting him as an adult. Emotionally he was right back to the "trapped" feeling he had as a 5 year old when his abuse first began. His fear was that his father (whom had all the power and authority) would hurt him if he went to anyone with this. He has a long way to go now that he finally got it out....I believe that we will be able to prosecute the monster (if and when we find him) and put him away for good.
 
Can't Cope,

I have nothing productive to contribute beyond what you've already heard. I would reiterate though that to support your son's wife and child would be one of the greatest gifts you could give him as well as yourself and the innocent little baby on the way.

I can't imagine your pain and confusion over all of this. My heart goes out to you.

ROCK ON........Trish
 
CC,

Control is a massive issue, it is about taking away control over another, and being the controlling, or puppet master object.

I worked on this issue for many years, and I came up with this.

If a parent or guardian has 'conrol' over a child, then the child may think he or she is not a complete person without this control.

Its a bit like a dog following his master, even though the master hurts the boy, but your son may have not known anything other than follow the master.

I wish I could take this hurt away, but beleive me, its not the worst thing in life, even if you think it is, so be positive,

mean it,

ste
 
I agree, it is not the worst thing in life, but it's pretty damm bad. I plan on keeping positive and helping my son and his wife. The best possible thing will be if the authorities can catch his father who's been on the run for a year now....that will go a long way in killing the perceived control he has over my son.
 
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