How can I help him?

[hisgirl]

Hi,

First off, I'd like to say that this is a really great site. I've found some wonderful information and have learned a lot, but now finding myself needing advice that only male survivors can give me, so here I am. Please excuse me if I go into too much detail, but I feel like I should tell all I can so I can get the right help for my boyfriend.

I have been with my b/f for about one year. He's 42. He was sexually abused by two different men, in two different situations when he was around the ages of 10 to 14 or 15. The first situation entailed his scoutmaster, who would give him pot and beers. My b/f remembers the scoutmaster's "nephew," he really doesn't know who this other male was, but this other male would perform oral sex on my b/f. He remembers photos being taken during the act. This apparently happened on several different occasions. The second situation entailed a police officer, who happened to be a close friend of the scoutmaster. The cop took my b/f across state lines, told him that he knew my b/f "did other things with so-and-so," and forced him to perform oral sex several times over the course of 10 days, and attempted penetration at least once. He was told never to tell because who's not going to believe a cop...

My b/f spent 22 years running from the guilt and shame by smoking pot on a daily basis, drinking heavily, etc. A couple of years ago he stopped smoking, and rarely drinks anymore. He got into therapy and was working through all that had happened. Well, now he's in jail, and of course, there's no therapy there. There's an extraordinary amount of trust between us, and he is comfortable speaking with me about his past, or he writes it in letters to me, so communication about it is not a problem.

Recently, the abuse has been on his mind a lot, and I just don't know what to do to help him. I'm not a therapist, and I haven't been sexually abused myself (although my sister was by my father, so I'm not completely ignorant to what survivors experience. but I could never possible relate to it firsthand.) He still has a tremendous amount of guilt and shame over what happened, and some of that has to do with him being sexually aroused during the abuse, (which, thanks to this website, we both found out is not uncommon.) He's been getting flashbacks to what happened to him, and to this day, can't stand to have his photo taken, quite understandably I suppose.

My questions are what can I do to help him? Will the guilt and shame he feels ever go away? He thinks the guilt and shame are tied into the fact that, using his words, "I knew it was wrong, yet it felt good." Is it good for me to get him to open up and talk about it when he wants to, or can I potentially do more damage?

Any insight you can give me would be most appreciated. I really love this guy and just want to help him. Thanks for reading my long post!

 

[RICK57]

Hisgirl - what can I say to you ...everyone who is a survivor will have their own individual way of reacting to what happened to them.

We do have many similarities in the way that we do react... I very much have a dislike of petty authority (this was more to do with the fact that teachers did not recognise the changes in me after I was abused - or at least didn't verbalise that they had noted the changes). The scoutmaster/policeman (don't dignify them with capital letters) very much abused both their position of alleged respect and your boyfriends trust. Once trust is abused in such a way, an abused person finds it very difficult to really trust anyone. We also blame ourselves for the fact that the abuse occurred - we were not to blame.

He enjoyed it - I used to get erect sitting on buses due to the vibration, I do not currently fancy buses!

Does the guilt and shame go away?

Yes - to summarise my story:
Loving family all of my life.
Good school/ progressive kid until 8
Changed school at 8 - negative experiences.
Made new friends..OK
Changed school at 11 .. OK
Dickhead arrived at school at 12 ..screwed everything up.
Vacancy for friend - found a perv instead (pretended to be a friend... perv was about 18 years older than me).
Life screwed up subconsciously for 34 years.
Cracked up Dec 2003.
Got councelling!
Jan 30th 2004 - have been told that: 1/ I am a strong man. 2/ I am a brave man. 3/ I am laughing again.

Have told 3 people Sept2001, a few more people Dec 18th 2003, 1600 people Late Dec 2003, 3 more good friends Jan 2004. Not one negative comment from any of those people... the only guilt and shame that I have ever had is what I imposed on myself for 34 years.

Let him talk, let him say what he wants.

I have had a very busy/noisy head for such a long time - since I spoke up, I have this new thing to deal with...it's called silence...no voices or arguing with myself, just silence in my head - it's beautiful. The first time I identified this silence and had a good day, I bought a bouquet of flowers (quite cheap) and gave them to an Elderly Lady, stating "I've had a good day, and would like to share that with someone else". She was really happy with my thoughtfulness which in turn made me happier.

I repeat let him speak, listen and try not to judge....he has nothing to be judged about. He was a child ,,, the fault lies purely with the perps.

Good luck to you both...Rik

 

[Lloydy]

Hisgirl
Welcome, and thank you for caring for another Survivor. It means a lot to all of us to know that other people do care.

I hope your bf isn't in jail for long, it's not a good place to be when you have emotional problems. But at least he has you and he did start his recovery before he went inside.

Over here in the UK I work for a charity that provides therapy for Survivors, and we've just started working in a local prison. Sadly there's more customers than therapy, but it's a start. Have you asked around to see if there's anything available ?

Can he get access to a computer and come here ?
Or maybe if he asks you questions, you ask us, and we'll give you some advice and help. Sadly we don't have any 'answers' - if we did none of us would be here
Maybe you can print out pages from here to give him as well ?

My questions are what can I do to help him? Will the guilt and shame he feels ever go away? He thinks the guilt and shame are tied into the fact that, using his words, "I knew it was wrong, yet it felt good." Is it good for me to get him to open up and talk about it when he wants to, or can I potentially do more damage?

The guilt and shame will eventually ease off, but it's something we have to work at.
We have to go back and think hard to what we were like as kids. It's easy to remember incidents from our childhood, good or bad. But what were we ACTUALLY like ? Not through our adult eyes and thinking, but as a 11yo boy, what did we think, what power and influence did adults ahve over us ?
Search hard for the young boy, he holds the answer to guilt and shame. Once we realise that we were powerless, the guilt and shame goes right back where it belongs - to the abusers.

"It felt good" yes, of course it did. A boys body reacts on a purely physical level, as does a mans.
Touch a boy's penis and he gets an erection, and that feels good.
It doesn't make it right, but it's a natural physical bodily reaction.

You're unlikely to more damage, especially given his circumstances. The risks are far outweighed by the chance of maintining the work he's already done I'm sure.
The greatest gift a Survivor can have is love and support, everything else is a bonus.

Dave

 

[Lloydy]

Rick
How could I forget this ?

I repeat let him speak, listen and try not to judge....he has nothing to be judged about. He was a child ,,, the fault lies purely with the perps.

so right, we have NOTHING to be judged about.

Dave

 

[RICK57]

HISGIRL

In the UK just over a year ago (I think) there was a television drama/play on over here in the UK. I believe it was called 'CARE' and was about children (boys) that had been removed from their families for one reason or another (perhaps some didn't have families)and taken into Local Authority Care. It was based upon a true story of boys that were abused in that 'Care Situation' in the 1970s. The main player in the drama was based on a young teenager that was systematically abused. Several times he tried to report the abuse and what was particularly harrowing, was the fact that when he reported it, the people that should have investigated and resolved the situation were involved in a paedophile ring. One instance shows this young teenager going into a meeting expecting support from Police & Social Workers who were present (as was his main abuser)- it soon became apparent that they were also abusers and he therefore failed to follow through with his complaints because there was no one there that would help - the camera faded away to a shot through a closing door...you could see that he was about to be abused by a group of people who were in a postion of trust.

If you could see this drama, it is harrowing viewing, but would give you some indication of what a survivor may feel.

Watching this I believe was one of my earlier triggers that finally set me on the route to seeking help.

The main actor in this drama narrowly missed out on one of the main television acting awards in the UK. I can't remember if it was on BBC or Independent Television.

Dave - I don't know if you saw this as well but it was an excellent documentation of a subject that I wish didn't exist.

HISGIRL - all I am really adding here is that the young teenager was later shown as an adult that could not come to terms with what had happened to him whilst in 'care' - he blamed himself & it was obvious to anyone watching that he was actually the last person that any blame should be applied to.

Love to you both ( I couldn't even use that word until recently)and the strength to get though this ...Rik

 

[Lloydy]

Rik
yes I saw it, I think I have it on VHS somewhere.
And it was a powerful bit of TV.

I have also spoken to the boy / man who was the whistleblower you mention a few times now, and he rated the TV programe as very accurate.
What he spoke of was the crushing defeat of suddenly realising that NOBODY was going to help them.

The long investigation, when it finally came years later, and the ensuing trial were as bad as the abuse.
He continued to live in the town where all this took place and many people sided with the abusers, even though they were found guilty and jailed. But because they had once been respected, powerful people in that community they still had respect and support. The survivor was regularly spat at and called names as he walked the streets.

And that was just a couple of years ago when I spoke to him, a teacher from the school I was at went to that care home and I was trying to trace him.

So, with what he and the other survivors of that dreadful place told the world, the convictions, years of therapy, and another tiny piece of the story that I added, you would think that the guy would be 'sorted'. But he was far from it.

He blamed himself for so much that happened, 'introducing' other boys to the perps - he himself was the victim of extreme violence, so what else could he do - he was under orders to do so.
The aftermath with the public exposure, the trial - a couple of the accused were aquitted I think, caused some of the survivors great pain, even suicide. He blames himself for that.
And the list goes on.

I know there were times when I would have gladly accepted the blame for anything and everything, "some guy crashed his car in Paris, summer '67 ? - my fault probably !"
It's what happens when we get fed a diet of lies and bullshit to justify someone elses sick ideas, the sickness ends up in our heads as well.

And doesn't it take some shifting ?

Dave

 

[RICK57]

DAve - I knew there had been a few suicides around the programme, but I also thought that the 'Whistleblower' was dead - I'm so pleased that he is not!

Rik

 

[kolisha54]

Speaking as a murder survivor (hey - that's a new one, isn't it...) I can honestly say that the most harrowing, the absolutely single biggest contributor to my PTSD was NOT the rape, the strangulation, the severe beating, or even being left for dead: the single worst lasting experience was losing that trial!!!

Oh my G-d!!! To live through that kind of judgementalism in a court of law, to know that my so-called peers thought me too stupid or untrustworthy to have figured out who broke into my apartment to kill me???? I don't think I could ever get over this as long as I live!

I truly, truly empathize!!!