How can I help him when he won't help himself?

How can I help him when he won't help himself?
M

miserablyconfused

New Registrant
I am so completely frustrated. I can not understand why my 38 y/o MS boyfriend, who runs around the world declaring he wants to marry me, will not plop himself in front of a therapist and deal with himself.
I have the distinct feeling that if he could he would go the rest of his life without asking himself any of the hard questions.
I do not believe he has ever had an honest imtimate sexual relationship in his life. Why doesn't he strive for better? Why doesn't he want healing? Why doesn't he want fulfilling sex? Why doesn't he want intimacy?
I realized with a painful shock after a traumatic pregnancy scare (its thankfully a no)that he is an emotional disaster. He freaked out. Completely panicked to the point that while visiting his family 600 miles away he literally did not make eye contact with me once. Then proceeded to shut me out completely for a week and then I showed up at his door and he did not answer the doorbell for the 45 minutes I was standing out there (it was 10 degrees farenheit mind you). Then he has the audacity to lie to me and tell me he didn't hear the bell? He lies all the time. Automatically. Oh, but he doesn't mean to hurt anyone. I can see his pain and turmoil so plainly in him. The walls of protection. All of his failed gay relationships (which I have encouraged when we were friends) and how he claims he is done with that. How he hates men. Sure, right. His inability to be intimate. His inability to engage in sex unless he is in complete control, as in i have to have shown no interest previously, and even then its once a month that he is aroused enough to make it happen. All the excuses for everything. His constant need for control of his life, which he thinks is so amazing, and his obvious lack of ability to keep it together, how many months does it take to write a resume?.
And then there's the booze. Booze to become emotional. Booze to stop being emotional. Booze to relax. Booze to sleep. Booze to deal.
I am here. I see him for who he is, all of those weird divided personalities and realities. I love him. I do not want to fix him. I want him to fix himself and I am willing to go along for that ride. We are in the mode where he is "in his head" for a bit- which means he gets to ignore me as much as he wants- no accountability- while I patiently (ok, so honestly that well dried up weeks ago) for him to make up his mind. Why didn't it occur to him that to make a commitment to me meant that he had to learn to be intimate and learn to enjoy sex and learn to be trustworthy?
Am I a fool? He only will admit to the abuse when he is really drunk, and even then he insists he is over it. Then I get the occasional shocking stories about teachers and older men and women that he had inappropriate relationships with after that. But he kind of tells the stories with pride. Is this denial or a badly transformed connection in his head?
I need help to convey the most basic problem here and it is really hard to convince someone who is incredibly overly sensitive and ready to shut me out at any given moment that they are not ok and they need to get help and deal with it. He doesn't want to see anything wrong with himself. He wants to feel strong. He wants to think he already won.
I have this incredible urge to physically tear and rip this invisible shield with its non-reality off of him and force him to see himself and his life.
And how in the world could I ignore all the little signs so long? I feel like something large and physical and forceful tore over and through me and now my life will never be the same. I hear songs differently. I see everything in a new light.
When do I get to walk away?
 
the problem is you can't do anything for him. he has to do it. why doesnt he? because he hasnt hit rock bottom yet. he is afraid, ashamed, embarased and all the other negative things you want to list. honestly, you are waiting for something and wanting something that may never happen. therapy, recovery and change all have to come from inside. you have to want them so bad that wont take no for an answer. the fact he confided in you is good, the fact he has done it and still hasnt gotten started somehow is bad. maybe you could steer him this way. i know i resisted gettting professional help at first. i mean who wants to do that? someone on another site, on another board told me of this place. i came here and found all these other men suffering and struggling. they helped me come out to my wife, and gave me the courage to finally get that help. when i saw what these people were doing, i wasnt so alone anymore. maybe that would help him too.
 
miserablyconfused,

Your partner is in that dark place where he knows he needs to face what happened to him, but is still too emotionally distraught to do so. He's tearing himself to pieces over this, drinking too much, and of course placing his relationship with you in danger as well.

Unfortunately, and as phoster has already said, survivors often need to hit rock bottom before they can seek the help they need. It would certainly be a good idea for him to come here; his anonymity would be protected and he could talk about things safely and at his own pace.

But at the same time you do have to look out for yourself as well. It's a sad fact that sometimes it all becomes just too much for the partner and the relationship fails. It may be that he needs to see how real this possibility is before he will take the steps he needs to help himself.

Much love,
Larry
 
mc,

Why do you ask this:

When do I get to walk away?
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You get to walk away whenever you choose. If you honestly feel that you would be deprived of the choice to end your relationship with him, there is a different kind of abuse going on.

it is really hard to convince someone who is incredibly overly sensitive and ready to shut me out at any given moment that they are not ok and they need to get help and deal with it.
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His behaviors, while they are destructive and selfish, ARE a way of "dealing with it," and it seems that they've been his way for some time. When people decide to make changes in their lives, it's because the ways that they deal with things no longer seem "ok" to them. As phoster says, there's no way to know when or if that will happen with him.

How are you dealing with the way he literally lets you stand out in the cold, ignores and lies to you, abuses alcohol, and is unable to be intimate with you? Are your methods of dealing with this situation okay with you?

SAR
 
Thanks guys for a reality check. It is really hard for me to hear that he may never get help. I have been reading posts and books that repeat all of this hope and I think I have gotten caught up in it. But the hope was not meant for me- it was meant for people who are really trying and despairing.

I am having trouble walking away because there is a discontinuity between what he says and what he does. He is manipulating me at this point to stay- saying just enough to keep me engaged but never really saying anything and definitely not doing anything.

Thank you SAR for your last questions. I guess my current approach is focused on calling him out on this stuff. I have been so wrapped up in strategizing on how to understand and communicate because I have been allowing him to do these things by overlooking them. I feel better when I say these things but it is not connecting with him.
I feel right now that I am going down a path that will result in my walking away, but it has been suggested to me by many that the only way to get him to respond is to threaten to walk away. Apparently he will respond to fear. If I have to use that threat though I don't know if I want it any more.
 
"I feel right now that I am going down a path that will result in my walking away, but it has been suggested to me by many that the only way to get him to respond is to threaten to walk away. Apparently he will respond to fear. If I have to use that threat though I don't know if I want it any more."

On another thread, Trish and I talked about how we feel like we are standing on a path with a fork in it. Down one path is definitely a struggle WITH our partner, down the other path is a walk we take alone. The thing is, you have to be at a point where it is not a THREAT. You have to be at a point where you honestly believe that he either makes the choice to start his recovery or you make the choice to go on by yourself down a different path. When you are sure you are at THAT point, you have the loving conversation with your partner..."I love you, I hurt for you, I want us to be together and I have to take care of myself in order for that to work. When I see you ignoring your past and its effect on you, I believe we have no future. I'm not walking away tomorrow or the next day, but I have to see some commitment or progress from you, or I will have no hope. Without hope, we have no relationship." Or words to that effect.

It sounds like you were friends before you became lovers and you can always offer friendship. But you are starting down an impossible trail if he won't acknowledge he needs help.

Wish I could be more optimistic...it's just I think you need some honest realism right now and you MUST take care of yourself. Being left in the cold, being lied to, being ignored...is that what you want for the rest of your life?
 
Along these lines, what do you when you've confronted them about this, and you get no response (the silent treatment). Aside from one e-mail that basically says 'take a hike', they have completely shut you out of their life. I've tried to call, e-mail, letters ...and no response. He should know by now how much he is loved and that I want to support him through this, but still no response. Do I just leave him alone and let time run its course?
 
Clemente's point bears repeating.

The statement "it has been suggested to me by many that the only way to get him to respond is to threaten to walk away." is not about you. It is still about him.

Boundaries are not about trying to get someone else to react a certain way. There are about what you will and will not do, about what you feel is okay or not okay for your life. Leave the "you" and the "if" out of it. "The situation as it stands is hurtful to me and disrespects me. I cannot tolerate this level of disrespect. I have said how I feel about this before, and it doesn't seem to me that saying how I feel is changing the situation. Therefore, I am going to do the following."
 
Clemente,

I want to thank you so much for your post, especially this:

When I see you ignoring your past and its effect on you, I believe we have no future. I'm not walking away tomorrow or the next day, but I have to see some commitment or progress from you, or I will have no hope. Without hope, we have no relationship.
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That really is it, I guess. If the survivor cannot say, "I am committed to my recovery" and show some results, that is more or less the same as condemning the relationship to failure.

A relationship is about both people, not just the one, and both have been harmed by what was done to the survivor. If the needs of both cannot be considered, then it just isn't a relationship anymore. One is being used by the other and will one day recognize that fact and act accordingly.

Much love,
Larry
 
Clemente- I do not want THIS for the rest of my life- that is why we are ALL here isn't it? Unfortunately, gentle words of love and support and understanding absolutely with no question blow right through him like smoke- right now. He literally doesn't hear them. What he hears is this: blah blah You should be terrified cause I want all these scary things from you blah blah but don't panic just yet I am still going to let you control our lives, blah blah blah. I have been struggling so much this week because I feel like a total failure. I am 30 years old woman who has been converted into a powerless child whose words have no meaning. I can not get my point across, I do not understand, and I can not get to his level. I have failed.
The best part is this. We were together five years ago for about two years and it ended because he wouldn't stop sleeping with men. I thought he was just having trouble because he was just torn about his sexuality, and he couldn't choose- just couldn't commit. 6 months after we had broken up I had a new bf and he called everyday crying telling me I was supposed to wait for him to "figure stuff out". I had no appreciation for how different people were emotionally and how complex behavior can be.
Priddis- yes, you need to walk away. His actions and words demand this. It is not your fault. He obviously cares for you because he is feeling and that is not comfortable from him. He is doing what he needs to not be overwhelmed and that is shut you out. You can not help him right now. You can only help yourself. and you have to help yourself because he is going to do nothing for you. Its sad and it sucks and it hurts like hell. It feels like you are giving up. Just remember- he is not thinking like you and his actions do not reflect the emotions you would be feeling had you behaved like that.

Yes SAR yes. That is exactly what I need to do. Now to just get him to answer the door or the phone today:)
 
Thanks miserably confused. I think you're all right. It's so difficult because for a brief moment I got to see the person he really is and probably really wants to be (all of the time). But the other 80% of the time is the cold mask and there is no getting through. If we could sit down and talk about things, but he's not there.
I don't know if he ever will be there. All we can do is hope and continue to show our support.
 
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The thing is, you have to be at a point where it is not a THREAT. You have to be at a point where you honestly believe that he either makes the choice to start his recovery or you make the choice to go on by yourself down a different path.
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My wife who I had been with ten years got to this point. This is where I woke up. It was the bottom of the hole. It was more painful that day than any day I could ever remember. I wanted help for so long but could not help myself. I wish there was some miracle way of doing it for them and for you. My biggest help so far is MS try to get them and to read. I cried as I read about others, I cried when I posted and got responses I cried for the little boy.

Ps. Thanks guys for the leading me to the Antoine Fisher poem it has deep meaning. "Who would cry for the little boy"
 
I reread the posts on this important thread as a survivor who came close to losing the most wonderful person who has ever been in my life. Both of us are glad that our relationship didn't end, and there is a lot of growing and healing happening for both of us now.

That makes me so sad when I see cases where the prospects for recovery and healing do not look so positive. It's just tragic. But the simple fact is that the partner is being hurt as well, and at some point the partner has to decide, as SAR points out, what her boundaries are and what she will do if there are no clear signs of progress towards respecting them. This isn't just about happiness, it's about health and physical survival as well.

I know from my own experience that for every survivor there is a timeline that he just can't hurry, and things that he just can't do "on command". But that doesn't trump the needs or aspirations of the partner. At some point she does have to step back and decide what her limits are and what is good for her.

Anyone who is or has been in a loving relationship knows that it's hard work, but when the work turns into a slogging march towards martyrdom it's time for a rethink.

Much love,
Larry
 
This isn't exactly "on topic" to this thread, but it sort of applies. I would like to share excerpts of something I wrote to my S/O...I read it out loud to him on the phone.


"You work to redeem yourself for a sin that you never committed. You feel guilt and shame for something over which you had no choice and no control.

Do you look at me and wonder at what point I will say you are not worthy now that I know more about you? I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. With every layer that you peel away, my respect and admiration grows. My belief in your bravery, integrity, strength of character, and basic goodness increases with each revelation.

But really, do you wonder, why would you sign up for this gig? Whats in it for you? I believe we have already attained a greater level of intimacy than in any other relationship I have known. In the last three years, I have become committed to my own self awareness and personal honesty in order to maintain my own growth. Being with you reminds me to stay aware of where I end and you begin. I havent been able to do that well in the past and with you I have discovered this ability....

...One of the first things I read when trying to learn more about child sexual abuse and its life long effects was the following statement. It describes the you I see and know: Some of the most sensitive, intuitive, deep, profound and hopeful people I have ever known are incest or child sexual abuse survivors. They were able to be that way by not losing touch with their own humanitytheir soulfulnessin the face of horror.

I know the path forward will not be easy. In fact, it may well be the hardest task you have ever set for yourself. But, then again, (said with a smile), when have you ever attempted anything that was easy? I love you"

I imagine the way I feel about my friend is not so much different than the other partners who post on this page. Sometimes its just really helpful to hear your own thoughts/feelings echoed by someone else.

Clem
 
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