how can i cry (possible triggers)
woundedgazelle
Registrant
Hello. I have been looking at this site and it is great to see that finally I am not alone. 
I apologise now if i ramble a bit too much in this message.
Reading the various posts; i have seen some guys write stuff and I go "Yeh" thats me too!!!
In fact i see little bits of myself all over in the various posts and thoughts expressed so well by all the guys. It is liberating to see some of my thoughts written by other guys which is helping me actually start to define the thoughts in my own head (hope you understand what I mean!)
I have been wearing a mask for most of these years. My family don't know that i suffered from csa. I kept it hidden. You know the mask i mean - the mask the world sees - my family, my work colleagues etc etc. But inside the mask was another me who kept everything hidden.
I did tell a religious person when i was 11/12. At time i remember feeling so dirty, soiled and ashamed when i was talking - those feelings consumed my whole little body at the time.But i do remember coming out from that visit and feeling happy. I was proud of myself. I had an inner strength.
The only problem is i am now 31. And well in between i have done the usual, gone to college,, got a job, house etc. So on the exterior i am successful. But on the interior i am not. My life is passing me by and I am in a rut. I am the only one that knows this. To be honest i am reaching the crossroads in my life and looking back on the road i have travelled i really need to make some decisions and sort myself out!!
THe other bit that i hate is that i have never had a g/f or been in a relationship. I am afraid of intimacy. I am also confused over my sexuality. I have never had that whole teenage thing of hanging out with girls and going thru that learning curve as a teenager.To be honest i was always isolated at school, and found it hard to have friends. I was also teased at school e.g nancy boy (the usual crap - you know what i mean).But school was'nt a totally horrible place.
Well anyway i have moved on.
Even today at 31 i don't have a lot of friends. I don't go out a whole lot e.g. every weekend. I do have hobbies and am very sensitive and caring person. I am very deep. but i want to start living my own life.As far as i know i am liked by the friends and family that i have.
So in late 2006 i went for some counselling. I was surprised at how easy i could open up and talk to my counsellor.Ok i know i was paying him but it was my own time to talk my inner thoughts loudly and not have to worry about the impact it would have on family or friends. It is something that the modern young guy does not do - is have a real heart to heart chat with another male and discuss any issues/concerns. Women and girls can do it real easy and share their problems. For me i think i have been searching for a true friend to talk to them but i know when you go down the route of CSA the "genie is out of the bottle" and it may affect the friendship/or they could go off and tell someone. What i mean is by not telling my friends/family it meant i had control so i was not threatened by more people knowing about it. (pardon the pun but hope you know what i mean!)
I have never been drunk. I was always in fear of losing control of myself e.g. blurting something stupid out. And guess what! one night a few years ago i had a party at my home and I did get drunk. And I got upset and was with a friend up in my bedroom. The friend asked me what was wrong. I said "i want my mammy" I got myself hunched up and felt real sorry for myself.(Sorry i digress here)
I have now stopped my counselling as I am now trying my own things out e.g. by going out and joing things to make friends, have had a bit of flirting go on etc etc. with some girls. By no means am I stopping my counselling- i still want to go back and talk a bit more - for me its what is working at the moment. I am also trying to retrain my mind as i think it is full of negative thinking. I have low self esteem. I listen far to much to my "chatterbox" in my head which tells me negative things.
But i have started to change little things which actually make me feel better about myself. So i have started to take a small few steps. Yippee!
Questions: (!)
I was asked when did i last cry? You know - i don't know. I certainly would like to have a good old fashioned cry. I would like to cry for myself, for my spirit and soul, my human frailty. I would like to cry for ME.
I am going on for more counselling at some point. Should i mention this to my family/friends? Personally i don't think I can. My parents have had illness's etc and i think they would be truly devastated if i were to say this to them. They have given me a loving family home and support over the years. They even asked us when we were younger if anything ever happened to come and tell them. I remember that time. I remember staying silent. Maybe if i had not; my life today would be different. But hindsight is a great thing. I was only a little boy.
Sexuality - i thought i was gay. I am still not sure. I have only had the male experience of csa to be my defining limit. This was thru my early childhood and teenage years.
I am afraid of intimacy and relationships and going on with my life. BUT there has been some flirting going on (hopefully i have been reading the signals right) with a girl that i know for a while now. So at the moment i am confused with myself. I don't want to do anything yet e.g. ask her out for a date because i want to be more sure of myself and who i am. I don't want to be a lier. I am also terrified that if i start going out with a girl - well at some point there will be the whole intimacy thing. Help! God i have so much baggage!
I do have dreams about having children and being married.(maybe it is a fantasy??). I don't think of myself being close to man and living with him and setting up home so at this stage i am really confused.
So far in life i have expected an angel to tap me on the shoulder and to click their fingers and my life would be okay. I am beginning to realise that is not going to happen and it is me who has to do something.
thanks for reading this. remember true friends and family leave footprints on your heart.
I apologise now if i ramble a bit too much in this message. Reading the various posts; i have seen some guys write stuff and I go "Yeh" thats me too!!!
In fact i see little bits of myself all over in the various posts and thoughts expressed so well by all the guys. It is liberating to see some of my thoughts written by other guys which is helping me actually start to define the thoughts in my own head (hope you understand what I mean!)
I have been wearing a mask for most of these years. My family don't know that i suffered from csa. I kept it hidden. You know the mask i mean - the mask the world sees - my family, my work colleagues etc etc. But inside the mask was another me who kept everything hidden.
I did tell a religious person when i was 11/12. At time i remember feeling so dirty, soiled and ashamed when i was talking - those feelings consumed my whole little body at the time.But i do remember coming out from that visit and feeling happy. I was proud of myself. I had an inner strength.
The only problem is i am now 31. And well in between i have done the usual, gone to college,, got a job, house etc. So on the exterior i am successful. But on the interior i am not. My life is passing me by and I am in a rut. I am the only one that knows this. To be honest i am reaching the crossroads in my life and looking back on the road i have travelled i really need to make some decisions and sort myself out!!
THe other bit that i hate is that i have never had a g/f or been in a relationship. I am afraid of intimacy. I am also confused over my sexuality. I have never had that whole teenage thing of hanging out with girls and going thru that learning curve as a teenager.To be honest i was always isolated at school, and found it hard to have friends. I was also teased at school e.g nancy boy (the usual crap - you know what i mean).But school was'nt a totally horrible place.
Well anyway i have moved on.
Even today at 31 i don't have a lot of friends. I don't go out a whole lot e.g. every weekend. I do have hobbies and am very sensitive and caring person. I am very deep. but i want to start living my own life.As far as i know i am liked by the friends and family that i have.
So in late 2006 i went for some counselling. I was surprised at how easy i could open up and talk to my counsellor.Ok i know i was paying him but it was my own time to talk my inner thoughts loudly and not have to worry about the impact it would have on family or friends. It is something that the modern young guy does not do - is have a real heart to heart chat with another male and discuss any issues/concerns. Women and girls can do it real easy and share their problems. For me i think i have been searching for a true friend to talk to them but i know when you go down the route of CSA the "genie is out of the bottle" and it may affect the friendship/or they could go off and tell someone. What i mean is by not telling my friends/family it meant i had control so i was not threatened by more people knowing about it. (pardon the pun but hope you know what i mean!)
I have never been drunk. I was always in fear of losing control of myself e.g. blurting something stupid out. And guess what! one night a few years ago i had a party at my home and I did get drunk. And I got upset and was with a friend up in my bedroom. The friend asked me what was wrong. I said "i want my mammy" I got myself hunched up and felt real sorry for myself.(Sorry i digress here)
I have now stopped my counselling as I am now trying my own things out e.g. by going out and joing things to make friends, have had a bit of flirting go on etc etc. with some girls. By no means am I stopping my counselling- i still want to go back and talk a bit more - for me its what is working at the moment. I am also trying to retrain my mind as i think it is full of negative thinking. I have low self esteem. I listen far to much to my "chatterbox" in my head which tells me negative things.
But i have started to change little things which actually make me feel better about myself. So i have started to take a small few steps. Yippee!
Questions: (!)
I was asked when did i last cry? You know - i don't know. I certainly would like to have a good old fashioned cry. I would like to cry for myself, for my spirit and soul, my human frailty. I would like to cry for ME.
I am going on for more counselling at some point. Should i mention this to my family/friends? Personally i don't think I can. My parents have had illness's etc and i think they would be truly devastated if i were to say this to them. They have given me a loving family home and support over the years. They even asked us when we were younger if anything ever happened to come and tell them. I remember that time. I remember staying silent. Maybe if i had not; my life today would be different. But hindsight is a great thing. I was only a little boy.
Sexuality - i thought i was gay. I am still not sure. I have only had the male experience of csa to be my defining limit. This was thru my early childhood and teenage years.
I am afraid of intimacy and relationships and going on with my life. BUT there has been some flirting going on (hopefully i have been reading the signals right) with a girl that i know for a while now. So at the moment i am confused with myself. I don't want to do anything yet e.g. ask her out for a date because i want to be more sure of myself and who i am. I don't want to be a lier. I am also terrified that if i start going out with a girl - well at some point there will be the whole intimacy thing. Help! God i have so much baggage!
I do have dreams about having children and being married.(maybe it is a fantasy??). I don't think of myself being close to man and living with him and setting up home so at this stage i am really confused.
So far in life i have expected an angel to tap me on the shoulder and to click their fingers and my life would be okay. I am beginning to realise that is not going to happen and it is me who has to do something.
thanks for reading this. remember true friends and family leave footprints on your heart.
