How can I be the only one who knows?

How can I be the only one who knows?

NewGerasene

Registrant
How can I be the only one who knows my mother was a sexual abuser?

I grew up in a household, at least until I was 13, of 3 sons and both parents. Then big brother moved away and Dad moved out.

My mother molested me and emotional incest was also there. My brothers remember nothing like that, and say it didn't happen. My father and brothers suggest with great sympathy that my mind has created this story to cover up for other feelings.

But I've worked on this for years now. I've been in therapy, done group stuff, read and journalled. If anything, my conviction has grown only stronger. My memories and other pieces just add up. My brothers have remembered certan things, but quickly added that it wasn't abuse. (She told one to remove his towel so she could see him naked when he came out of the shower, and the other she pinched his upper thigh telling him how sexy he was.)

She was a highly respected member of our community; she really did do a lot of good work, helping lots of people.

I myself didn't recognize her treatment of me (us?) as abuse until I was in my 30s. She died over 10 years ago.

So, as far as I know, the only people who knew what she did were the ones in our household. And maybe she treated me differently. Both brothers say I was her favourite.

It hit me today. Maybe my father knew, but if so, he never acknowledged it. In fact, he said, in essence, I was making it up. He's dead now. So is Mom. My brothers say it never happened.

So am I the only one who knows my mother was abuser? (Odd moment...as I was typing that, I thought to quickly check the sex offender registry, but that would make NO sense. I know she was never convicted or even reported. In fact, maybe I'm the only one who ever had anything to report.)
 
I'm sorry for what you went through. Two thoughts occur to me. First. pedophiles and abusers are often extremely clever. The perp who raped me and my brother for about 7 years hid his tracks extremely well. With people around, he would only sternly correct my brother or me. But when we were alone, he was much more aggressive with slapping and hitting. And of course he hid any sexual abuse very well.

The second thought is that people are very good at staying in denial. If they don't want to believe your mother was abusive, people can very easily build their own reality and minimize what few incidents they did see or experience. Much easier to stay in the dark than to confront the ugliness, especially since she is dead.

Anyway. sorry you don't have a more supportive situation. Take care of yourself.
 
How can I be the only one who knows my mother was a sexual abuser?

I grew up in a household, at least until I was 13, of 3 sons and both parents. Then big brother moved away and Dad moved out.

My mother molested me and emotional incest was also there. My brothers remember nothing like that, and say it didn't happen. My father and brothers suggest with great sympathy that my mind has created this story to cover up for other feelings.

But I've worked on this for years now. I've been in therapy, done group stuff, read and journalled. If anything, my conviction has grown only stronger. My memories and other pieces just add up. My brothers have remembered certan things, but quickly added that it wasn't abuse. (She told one to remove his towel so she could see him naked when he came out of the shower, and the other she pinched his upper thigh telling him how sexy he was.)

She was a highly respected member of our community; she really did do a lot of good work, helping lots of people.

I myself didn't recognize her treatment of me (us?) as abuse until I was in my 30s. She died over 10 years ago.

So, as far as I know, the only people who knew what she did were the ones in our household. And maybe she treated me differently. Both brothers say I was her favourite.

It hit me today. Maybe my father knew, but if so, he never acknowledged it. In fact, he said, in essence, I was making it up. He's dead now. So is Mom. My brothers say it never happened.

So am I the only one who knows my mother was abuser? (Odd moment...as I was typing that, I thought to quickly check the sex offender registry, but that would make NO sense. I know she was never convicted or even reported. In fact, maybe I'm the only one who ever had anything to report.)
@NewGerasene,

It is very plausible that you were the only one who knew in your household. The examples you gave of your brothers and your mom would classify as "covert" abuse, and most people would not classify it even as that. It's easy to rationalize away incidents like that because, "That's just the way she was," or, "She was just very affectionate." And it's also highly possible that you were the only one abused overtly. My dad did not abuse either of my sisters, and while you have two brothers (same sex as you), that doesn't mean your mom had to be a serial abuser and abused all of you. Some abusers pick one "special" victim. You essentially became the replacement for your dad.

And... as someone else with siblings who were not abused (100% certain; they know about my abuse because my dad told them), being the only one sucks and also makes us glad. It sucks to be "special," to be, "the only one," and to not have anyone else in the family who really understands. At the same time, I'm really glad he didn't screw them up too. If I had to pick one of those two though (sucks, makes us glad), I would say it sucks more. Growing up where your abuser is with you 24x7, outside of school hours and activities, we were lonely enough in our CSA as it was. But knowing that no one else in the family understood - and in your case, no one else in the family believed you - is a horrible hell on earth of loneliness & isolation. For me, at least I know that my mom has some shared understanding since her father abused her as a girl.

One other aspect of this though, @NewGerasene - even in families where there were multiple sibling victims, I think we romanticize a bit about what it would have been like to at least have a sibling who understood our pain. Because that is a rarity - to have siblings that are abused, and who are there to understand and comfort each other. The reality of most of those situations is all the kids are hurting so badly, and are adapting / coping in different ways, the distance between them is actually bigger than for siblings in our situation. Because at least when my sisters learned about the abuse, they were healthy enough to be able to be supportive - each in their own way. For me, I have this dysfunctional dynamic with my Mom - who thought I should deal with things the way she did: suck it up, stuff the feelings away, sweep it all under the rug, and get on with life. She is not my ally in my healing, and has literally done almost nothing to help me - because her unresolved pain is so great, she has no capacity to comfort or help me.

Sorry you are going through this alone within your family :( But you are not alone, @NewGerasene. We are here for you.
 
Hi NewGerasene

Welcome to MS, sorry for what has brought you here, glad you were able to find us and have the courage to talk about your abuse. You maybe the only one that knows your Mother abused you. But you are not alone in being abuse by your Mother. There are many here and when I first came here I found it hard to understand that women sexually abuse boys and men. You are not alone in this anymore.
 
NewGerasene, I so sorry this is happened to you. But you are not alone it has happened to many of us. I am sure what your remember is 100% right. The others are in denial, they blocked it in their mind because it was to painful to deal with. I was abused with 9 others in the scouts at the same time. and at least 2 of them claim it never happened. I know what happened like you did. Its important we get treatment and get healed. and If others are not there yet so be it. You are in the iroght place now and can share anything you like here we will believe you and support you.
 
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