How can I be like you guys
How can I be like you guys
- Thread starterFree Radical
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ACCEPTING POSITIVES - another very difficult thing for someone whose lifelong inner voice is that of their abuser, just internalized. As I wrote above, when someone gives praise or a compliment, it just seems so wrong. I still have a lot of conflict over accepting any kind of praise, it embarrasses me - because as a child in my environment my father had to be seen as the absolute authority on all matters. How could I be right about anything? It was also dangerous to take away the spotlight from him, to show him up, so I also feel very unsafe if praised in any kind of work situation - where I find a way to dismiss my achievement and attribute it to an external, my boss, coworker, an outside involved party, or luck/chance/fate. The thought behind all of that is the false sense inner voice telling me I am scum, and scum can never rise out of the sewer, so achievement is not possible.
PERFECTIONISM / I'M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH Another message that gets inter internalized from your abuser into the destructive false inner voice. I had to be perfect to please my father. Anything less than perfect was dangerous. Grades had to be perfect, chores/assignments had to be perfect, etc. He would explode with rage if I failed to meet his expectations. But he ignored or dismissed anything I did that was actually successful -perfect report cards were met with comments about how it must have been luck, favoritism, ot cheating because I was way too stupid and lazy to earn it. As an adult this gives me extreme performance anxiety about everything from work to my body image to sex. I do all kinds of stupid (this my true voice saying that, btw) things - avoid, procrastinate, cover up, lie, self-abuse etc to cope in the short-term, even though it just makes everything worse long-term. Perfectionism is a real trap. The solution is to alter your thinking to be able to learn the concept of "I tried my best, the result is good enough and I am ok with it."
PERFECTIONISM / I'M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH Another message that gets inter internalized from your abuser into the destructive false inner voice. I had to be perfect to please my father. Anything less than perfect was dangerous. Grades had to be perfect, chores/assignments had to be perfect, etc. He would explode with rage if I failed to meet his expectations. But he ignored or dismissed anything I did that was actually successful -perfect report cards were met with comments about how it must have been luck, favoritism, ot cheating because I was way too stupid and lazy to earn it. As an adult this gives me extreme performance anxiety about everything from work to my body image to sex. I do all kinds of stupid (this my true voice saying that, btw) things - avoid, procrastinate, cover up, lie, self-abuse etc to cope in the short-term, even though it just makes everything worse long-term. Perfectionism is a real trap. The solution is to alter your thinking to be able to learn the concept of "I tried my best, the result is good enough and I am ok with it."
NOT IN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE/FUTURE/DESTINY - another feeling that many/most abuse survivors live with, years or decades after the abusive situation is over. When we were trapped in the abuse, we were not in control. My father said "jump" I jumped, because I was afraid not to. He micromanaged all of our lives, and we allowed it because we were afraid of him. If he didn't like what was for dinner - which he could express any way from verbally to dumping it in the trash to clearing the table by sending food, dishes, silverware flying across the room - he got something else made ASAP. I grew up feeling I had no control or say in my own life. I wasn't allowed to make decisions, I certainly wasn't allowed to have "options" in life that normal kids did. I wasn't allowed to go on field trips, to have friends (seriously, not allowed to even have friends - let alone go to someone else's house or have someone come to my house), to participate in extracurricular activities, later as I got older a job, a car, and dating were absolutely out of the question. I got brave enough to ask about getting a job, and laid out why it would benefit - learning responsibility, earning money - the answer was Hell no! I also was told what college I would attend, what I would major in - which was weird, since I wasn't allowed outside the prison walls except for school, but then I was sent off to a Big 10 school 65 miles from home and dumped there under orders.
That feeling was greatly exacerbated during my own personal "9/11" a few years back - a bad time in my life when I felt like everything I had come to value, some sense of freedom and self-determination, within the context of my reality at that time. Being stuck in the psych ward program - even though it was a "partial" program M-F 8-3:30, left me feeling I had NO rights, NO say in my destiny, and I would be formally stripped of my rights through the legal process.
Fighting against this is hard. You have to develop the mindset that you will call the shots for yourself. You may have to buck the mental health system, family, significant others, etc. Depending on how far down the hole you are when you start, it could be a long war with many battles. The key is keep your eyes on the goal, don't take no for an answer, be resourceful and think outside of the box, enlist allies that really understand what you want and can help you get to your goal. For example, the psychiatrist that basically sentenced me to the partial program was, in hindsight, a terrible doctor all around, after working with her over some months, both before and after that - poor bedside manner, didn't actually listen to what I was saying or address my questions, problems and issues, and worst, was very confident in the diagnosis - which at that time was bipolar II - and which she made in literally 5 minutes of meeting we, based on reading the intake form, one page, I had filled out.
Well, it took a while, but ... I found a much, much better doctor who is fantastic, and who works with me as a partner in my medical treatment. This current doctor, for example, did a 2 1/2 hour intake interview, and then also did 3 follow up appointments a few weeks apart, gave me a couple of prescriptions and gave them time to kick in, before making the current and ACCURATE diagnosis of PTSD.
That feeling was greatly exacerbated during my own personal "9/11" a few years back - a bad time in my life when I felt like everything I had come to value, some sense of freedom and self-determination, within the context of my reality at that time. Being stuck in the psych ward program - even though it was a "partial" program M-F 8-3:30, left me feeling I had NO rights, NO say in my destiny, and I would be formally stripped of my rights through the legal process.
Fighting against this is hard. You have to develop the mindset that you will call the shots for yourself. You may have to buck the mental health system, family, significant others, etc. Depending on how far down the hole you are when you start, it could be a long war with many battles. The key is keep your eyes on the goal, don't take no for an answer, be resourceful and think outside of the box, enlist allies that really understand what you want and can help you get to your goal. For example, the psychiatrist that basically sentenced me to the partial program was, in hindsight, a terrible doctor all around, after working with her over some months, both before and after that - poor bedside manner, didn't actually listen to what I was saying or address my questions, problems and issues, and worst, was very confident in the diagnosis - which at that time was bipolar II - and which she made in literally 5 minutes of meeting we, based on reading the intake form, one page, I had filled out.
Well, it took a while, but ... I found a much, much better doctor who is fantastic, and who works with me as a partner in my medical treatment. This current doctor, for example, did a 2 1/2 hour intake interview, and then also did 3 follow up appointments a few weeks apart, gave me a couple of prescriptions and gave them time to kick in, before making the current and ACCURATE diagnosis of PTSD.
DanielQ432 said:
Daniel I believe this one of the hardest obstacles--developing the mindset to overcome the control the abuse and the abuser has over us. This control began during the grooming process. We learned to think a certain way, with our silence we reinforced this view that for some reason the abuse was our fault and the guilt and shame belongs to us. I struggled to change how I thought of the abuse, the child within, the abuser and most importantly myself. I had a terrible sense of feeling I was damaged and it was my fault--I went back and back. Even after one of the boy's committed suicide a few years after I still remained silent. I began to believe his death was my fault. He was older but I could not tell.
Finally and only very recently have I been able to look at myself differently. I had to get raw with myself as I had to disclose details to the Diocese of the abuse--approx. 50 years after the abuse. It nearly killed me, I relived everything over and over, the smallest details came rushing into my head. I thought I would kill myself. I survived and it helped me to see things differently, I could see his laugh, I could hear his words and realized how manipulative he had been of me.
I wish there was a crash course in how to change a survivor's mindset. I had allies and I had detractors--who I now realize took away the benefits of the allies. In the end it was I who needed to rewire the brain and how I think.
Thank you for sharing your story and your insights are very helpful.
Kevin
