How being an abuse survivor effects my dating life

How being an abuse survivor effects my dating life

Jim Nobody

Registrant
I'm 21 and was sexually abused by a parent from ages 15-19. I struggle with feelings of getting attached too quickly to new girlfriends and it has scared one away and made a breakup with another who turned out to be lesbian so painful. After knowing my last gf for 3 weeks, when we would FaceTime I would occasionally hold my stuffed animal and ask her to sing to me.

This is obviously from feeling inadequately protected. Is this common amungst abuse survivors and what can be done to habituate this?
 
I think insecurity is common among survivors, and it comes from poor self image, IMHO. But some guys, and women too, also are quick to become infatuated with a new romantic interest, so what you're describing as "feelings of getting attached too quickly" isn't unusual for a lot of people, men or women. One thing is to not come on too strong, because as you noted, it can be unsettling for the other person and ultimately lead to a breakup.

The other point about holding a stuffed animal, and asking your GF to sing to you - well, you nailed that one on the head, too, that's a pretty classic trauma-based response, you need to feel safe and secure, like you're not always under siege. Hypervigilance, PTSD, tough stuff. I'm glad that you found this group at such a young age, a lot of guys are in their 40's, 50's or 60's before they begin to deal with the fallout from being abused. If I could go back and do things differently, I sure would.

Other than the basic advice - therapy, group support, I think self-monitoring your behavior, asking yourself if you're being too intense in a new relationship will help. As far as the need to feel safe, as long as the other person understands what it's about and why and are ok with it, I don't believe it's harmful. You'll have to judge when you think is the right time to divulge information about your past, and how much to divulge.

Best of luck.
 
Thanks for sharing, Jim. And you are not a nobody. You are a somebody!! What you want and need matters!

I see things in you that i struggle / have struggled with - self negativity and possibly codependency issues. You were abused by a parent so that may leave you feeling unstable and insecure, trust issues. You are getting attached or clingy too quickly to your gfs could be a codependency issue. You may feel insecure and your inner child is looking for love and a stable relationship; stability, security. Finding just the right soulmate for you can take some time but wow the benefits will be great if you find someone who not only loves you but can also give you the stability that you need.
I've been in a similar situation except that it was being codependent with another guy. I've always struggled with homosexual tendencies and when I was a teenager I met a friend in high school who remains my best friend but I've always had feelings for him and was codependent of him (I guess because of my feelings for him). Anyway I am working to move my emotions away from him, his influence on me and the feeling that I need to have his acceptance and approval. This is a real issue for me and it is something that is really hard to pull away from even though we live hundreds of miles away. As a teen and into my early 20s I was looking for stability and he was always right there for me but the thing is at times he was manipulative and looking back there were times when I feel like he was grooming me, trying to get me to give in to him sexually. I think if I had given in to him I think he would have hurt me a lot so thankfully I never gave in to him sexually. So I guess I am saying I hope you have many stable friends and relationships and love. But just watch out for manipulative people
 
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I'm 21 and was sexually abused by a parent from ages 15-19. I struggle with feelings of getting attached too quickly to new girlfriends and it has scared one away and made a breakup with another who turned out to be lesbian so painful. After knowing my last gf for 3 weeks, when we would FaceTime I would occasionally hold my stuffed animal and ask her to sing to me.

This is obviously from feeling inadequately protected. Is this common amungst abuse survivors and what can be done to habituate this?
How strange, very similar situations that I have been in, only in my case the woman who ended up becoming a lesbian was my common-law wife. That relationship made it very clear to me that I was not really ready for marriage. Although the strange thing is, I wonder how many people really are? A lot of them who make a good start seem to have help from parents or other relatives, and blunder through it somehow. But I found that every mistake I made, every miscommunication was almost impossible to navigate.

It is very common for it to affect our dating lives. At some point in our lives, our normal development was interrupted. When we needed reassurance, companionship, society, and physical reinforcement, it was mixed up with abuse, to whatever degree. Since most people who are abused are able to live something that generally resembles a normal life, it's hard to unmix it. If you recall playing as a child, or going on a vacation, or having family dinners, it becomes hard to pinpoint where things went wrong, because the abuse gets mixed up in normalcy.

When it comes to relationship intimacy, it is hard to act with confidence and purpose because we are not good at it, and it is very hard to explain to someone else. But we know we need things, and find them hard to identify. In a way, we are trying, when we try to heal, to rebuild ourselves from a time when we were a lot younger.

The relationship I am currently exploring, I feel inadequate to pursue to its logical conclusion. I feel that I love the woman in question, but feel that if I truly love her then I would not want to urge her to be involved with a broken person who struggles just to get through each day.
 
Wow I apologize, the subject was dating, I saw codependency and sort of went off on a limb. But in all seriousness, csa abuse does have negative effects. It does not effect everyone the same way.
For my dating life, I always felt inadequate and my same- sex tendencies got in the way of everything.
 
It is so common I would say it's almost a certainty that CSA survivors find having relationships challenging. The problems can take many different forms, but they are rooted in a screwed up self image, and sexualization at an early age.

As others have said, therapy is probably the best thing you can do to help you on your path to recovery. But I hope just seeing the answers you are getting to this question, that your situation is not unique, and you are not alone, is a help as well.
 
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