House of Horrors and a little boy's innocence lost
**** TRIGGERS ****
I've really been thinking about this the last few weeks. I guess in short I dissociated myself from what happened.I dealt with by abuse from when I was 14 years old, I had therapists, books, my mom was there to offer me a little bit of support, her mom too; my good grandmother.
But I never got better, no matter what I tried the shame and the sadness lingered and wouldn't go away. I'm 36 now and nothing has changed. I've battled my entire life with debilitating depression and anxiety, loneliness, suicidal wishes and the like. I've just always been tricked by everyone in life, tricked to always be the underdog and to be unable to fend for myself.
So I was a happy kid, life was fun, I had a religious upbringing - Jewish - and girls were a no no that were not talked about at home. When I was 10 I went from a Jewish school to a normal public school and suddenly I was so curious and amazed by all the beautiful young girls in my class. I wasn't oblivious to them at my previous school, but at this school they would hold hands with boys and there were couples! I never quite had the time to understand what it meant to have a girlfriend. It was shameful as it stood coming from my background, and then fate intervened to slay any hopes young me had of having girlfriends in my life.
So that were being grade 5 I watched all the young couples hold hands etc and day dreamed that one day I would be able to as well. Eventually I met a few girls who loved to talk about sex and I hit the jackpot. I got a few kisses and got mess around a little getting to 2nd base and a little further. I've completely dissociated myself from it all these years and the memories are now vivid and flooding back which feels pretty weird as I don't really want to think about children and sex, even though it was me. The topic became taboo the moment I read the nonsense claim that abused boys abuse. It fucked my life up reading that.
Back on point I was popular, I had friends, girls liked me I was cool. I was living the dream it was all coming together for me.
Somehow though someone else seemed to notice my coming of age. Think the big bad wolf eating grandma, that would have been great, because grandma it was that turned out to be the big bad wolf.
She just showed an interest in me I guess, I don't really remember 100% how that started, but during that little phase of popularity came some hard let downs like a girl I was in love with as a ten year old boy would be in love, completely rejected me and I had to deal with that for the first time. So maybe she caught me while I was moping and seeking and in need of approval.
I remember hanging out with her and talking about the old days when she was young, my word, I didn't know what she was planning and I want to cry thinking about it. I was so screwed she had me right where she wanted me.
At some point she would walk into the f#cking bathroom while I was in the tub. I want to cry thinking about this. She would walk in and look and comment and I didn't know what the hell do it was uncomfortable and I felt violated. But I think I then started to test the waters like a stupid idiot and I walked past her and let the towel fall off inadvertently. I hate myself for doing that, I hate myself for playing the game and letting my curiosity get the better of me. Until today I never faced those memories, I blocked them out, and there were many more to come.
So no contact occurred above she just expressed her delight at seeing me naked, I feel so sick flip. She would say ooooooo so nice. Look at you penis. And I let happen and I played along like a fool. Again no contact happened, until one day when I was running out the door after my father to catch him before he left so I could join him for lunch at a restaurant. As I turned the passage corner I looked to my left and there she was standing by the door, obviously she had just made sure she had locked it. She turned around and walked towards me and her breasts were exposed. Taking into account the funny games that were going on in the previous weeks it still felt terribly bizarre and wrong. So despite the weird pattern of behaviour which had already transpired I put the ball in her court. I looked down and pointed at her saying "what's that?" I thought she would say sorry and cover herself up, but I didn't discount the possibility of another reaction though I probably thought it would be 1/1000 that it would happen. She said come and feel. And I capitulated and was there feeling in a flash. I was 10 and I had on very occasions been offered a naked body to feed my young lust for flesh. She had groomed me and that was the death blow. Something snapped in my head that day and I was never the same again. I always thought that was the first time it happened out of the blue, I had forgotten about what I described above. Because I didn't want to think about my role and my willingness.
What a clown I was. Either that or an evil child. And I was just plain stupid and naive.
So I felt her dirty granny breasts and then went for my penis and it was a sick match made in heaven. This was repeated for 3 years till and ended when I was about early 14.
I became active in the damn thing and I ignored that until now, my mind blotted it out, but my self esteem always hated itself and I was always angry at myself and the world I suspect because I while I woudn't let myself remember I knew. I would lock the front door and go to her room for handjob every weekend when I visited. It sounds so damn evil like I was the devil's child but in my young damaged mind I was fighting back it sounds so messed up.
I would sit with her and let her touch and I would show her my penis and masturbate it. I would then tell her I'm pretty sure this is wrong, this must be evil and not allowed in the bible. For some reason I knew it was wrong but she had pulled me in and was now like a heroin addict who didn't care about sharing needles, I didn't care, my soul was black it was over for me and I could never tell the story to anyone ever. It was just me and her in this world she had created.
This happened every weekend for 3 years. I would imagine God and my other late grandparent sitting in the room watching this happen, I wanted them to see, I wanted them to be mad at her. I would say this is wrong why are we doing it. She would reply nonsense I'm teaching you how to pleasure your wife one day....... same answer every time. I hoped each time it happened that I sealed her fate with another rung down the ladder to hell.
I blacked out the memories of me being involved, locking the doors, getting my dick out. I didn't want to remember it. I knew though they the adage "It wasn't your fault" did not seem to ring true for me in my head, I felt culpable.
I was talking to my support counselor and he pointed out that I was a kind and saw no other solution, I couldn't tell anyone, it was just me and her. And I did this weird thing to cope. I still can't comprehend it but I now understand it better. It suddenly makes sense.
I hope I can forgive myself now and realise I didn't do anything wrong. I hope the rage at myself with the hidden memories will dissipate, and that the sky will clear and I will see the sun again. Seeing the sun and a blue sky is the way I envisioned feeling happy and not being depressed all the way back when I was 16. I hope I will be able to see it now.
Welcome back little guy, I'm proud of little me,a brave warrior, I fought back even though it was through passive aggression, I was wounded and I was not willing to go down without a fight. I fought fire with fire if you can say that. I had just me and her that I could share the experience with and I turned it into a little ritual to damn and condemn her to hell by letting her have her way with me repeatedly.
Eventually I was strong enough to say this is wrong you psycho cow. She said no it is not wrong and if you stop I will just do it with your little brothers. I broke the secret and told my mother shortly after. I guarded my brothers until such time.
I was living in hell. I lived in a house of horrors
I've really been thinking about this the last few weeks. I guess in short I dissociated myself from what happened.I dealt with by abuse from when I was 14 years old, I had therapists, books, my mom was there to offer me a little bit of support, her mom too; my good grandmother.
But I never got better, no matter what I tried the shame and the sadness lingered and wouldn't go away. I'm 36 now and nothing has changed. I've battled my entire life with debilitating depression and anxiety, loneliness, suicidal wishes and the like. I've just always been tricked by everyone in life, tricked to always be the underdog and to be unable to fend for myself.
So I was a happy kid, life was fun, I had a religious upbringing - Jewish - and girls were a no no that were not talked about at home. When I was 10 I went from a Jewish school to a normal public school and suddenly I was so curious and amazed by all the beautiful young girls in my class. I wasn't oblivious to them at my previous school, but at this school they would hold hands with boys and there were couples! I never quite had the time to understand what it meant to have a girlfriend. It was shameful as it stood coming from my background, and then fate intervened to slay any hopes young me had of having girlfriends in my life.
So that were being grade 5 I watched all the young couples hold hands etc and day dreamed that one day I would be able to as well. Eventually I met a few girls who loved to talk about sex and I hit the jackpot. I got a few kisses and got mess around a little getting to 2nd base and a little further. I've completely dissociated myself from it all these years and the memories are now vivid and flooding back which feels pretty weird as I don't really want to think about children and sex, even though it was me. The topic became taboo the moment I read the nonsense claim that abused boys abuse. It fucked my life up reading that.
Back on point I was popular, I had friends, girls liked me I was cool. I was living the dream it was all coming together for me.
Somehow though someone else seemed to notice my coming of age. Think the big bad wolf eating grandma, that would have been great, because grandma it was that turned out to be the big bad wolf.
She just showed an interest in me I guess, I don't really remember 100% how that started, but during that little phase of popularity came some hard let downs like a girl I was in love with as a ten year old boy would be in love, completely rejected me and I had to deal with that for the first time. So maybe she caught me while I was moping and seeking and in need of approval.
I remember hanging out with her and talking about the old days when she was young, my word, I didn't know what she was planning and I want to cry thinking about it. I was so screwed she had me right where she wanted me.
At some point she would walk into the f#cking bathroom while I was in the tub. I want to cry thinking about this. She would walk in and look and comment and I didn't know what the hell do it was uncomfortable and I felt violated. But I think I then started to test the waters like a stupid idiot and I walked past her and let the towel fall off inadvertently. I hate myself for doing that, I hate myself for playing the game and letting my curiosity get the better of me. Until today I never faced those memories, I blocked them out, and there were many more to come.
So no contact occurred above she just expressed her delight at seeing me naked, I feel so sick flip. She would say ooooooo so nice. Look at you penis. And I let happen and I played along like a fool. Again no contact happened, until one day when I was running out the door after my father to catch him before he left so I could join him for lunch at a restaurant. As I turned the passage corner I looked to my left and there she was standing by the door, obviously she had just made sure she had locked it. She turned around and walked towards me and her breasts were exposed. Taking into account the funny games that were going on in the previous weeks it still felt terribly bizarre and wrong. So despite the weird pattern of behaviour which had already transpired I put the ball in her court. I looked down and pointed at her saying "what's that?" I thought she would say sorry and cover herself up, but I didn't discount the possibility of another reaction though I probably thought it would be 1/1000 that it would happen. She said come and feel. And I capitulated and was there feeling in a flash. I was 10 and I had on very occasions been offered a naked body to feed my young lust for flesh. She had groomed me and that was the death blow. Something snapped in my head that day and I was never the same again. I always thought that was the first time it happened out of the blue, I had forgotten about what I described above. Because I didn't want to think about my role and my willingness.
What a clown I was. Either that or an evil child. And I was just plain stupid and naive.
So I felt her dirty granny breasts and then went for my penis and it was a sick match made in heaven. This was repeated for 3 years till and ended when I was about early 14.
I became active in the damn thing and I ignored that until now, my mind blotted it out, but my self esteem always hated itself and I was always angry at myself and the world I suspect because I while I woudn't let myself remember I knew. I would lock the front door and go to her room for handjob every weekend when I visited. It sounds so damn evil like I was the devil's child but in my young damaged mind I was fighting back it sounds so messed up.
I would sit with her and let her touch and I would show her my penis and masturbate it. I would then tell her I'm pretty sure this is wrong, this must be evil and not allowed in the bible. For some reason I knew it was wrong but she had pulled me in and was now like a heroin addict who didn't care about sharing needles, I didn't care, my soul was black it was over for me and I could never tell the story to anyone ever. It was just me and her in this world she had created.
This happened every weekend for 3 years. I would imagine God and my other late grandparent sitting in the room watching this happen, I wanted them to see, I wanted them to be mad at her. I would say this is wrong why are we doing it. She would reply nonsense I'm teaching you how to pleasure your wife one day....... same answer every time. I hoped each time it happened that I sealed her fate with another rung down the ladder to hell.
I blacked out the memories of me being involved, locking the doors, getting my dick out. I didn't want to remember it. I knew though they the adage "It wasn't your fault" did not seem to ring true for me in my head, I felt culpable.
I was talking to my support counselor and he pointed out that I was a kind and saw no other solution, I couldn't tell anyone, it was just me and her. And I did this weird thing to cope. I still can't comprehend it but I now understand it better. It suddenly makes sense.
I hope I can forgive myself now and realise I didn't do anything wrong. I hope the rage at myself with the hidden memories will dissipate, and that the sky will clear and I will see the sun again. Seeing the sun and a blue sky is the way I envisioned feeling happy and not being depressed all the way back when I was 16. I hope I will be able to see it now.
Welcome back little guy, I'm proud of little me,a brave warrior, I fought back even though it was through passive aggression, I was wounded and I was not willing to go down without a fight. I fought fire with fire if you can say that. I had just me and her that I could share the experience with and I turned it into a little ritual to damn and condemn her to hell by letting her have her way with me repeatedly.
Eventually I was strong enough to say this is wrong you psycho cow. She said no it is not wrong and if you stop I will just do it with your little brothers. I broke the secret and told my mother shortly after. I guarded my brothers until such time.
I was living in hell. I lived in a house of horrors
Last edited by a moderator:
