Horrible Therapy Sessions - Possible Triggers

[Blund]

I am in need of some advice. The past few weeks (6 weeks) I have been seeing a new T. We have been talking about all the times I was raped, gang raped, and date raped. We have gone to the very edge with the conversation, and have talked about super intimate details that I only have shared with him. It is as if I'm reliving my events all over. My T has taken me right to the very edge of the cliff and then ends the therapy session. This has been really rough because I have felt that when i came home from my session, I was in a worse place, and as a result, I have wanted to escape the pain by self abuse multiple times during the day to escape what I had just gone through in the office. This past week I went through probably the worse that I have ever been through. We talked about the Date rape, and I expressed how horrible I felt, and how I felt it was my fault. (which he agreed upon making things even worse) and then after feeling seriously horrible and crying I told him I was done talking about the past. I was no longer going to talk about it. I yelled at him and told him that I hated him for taking me back to those spaces and told him I was done with him and walked out. After counseling was probably the worse I have felt in quite a while. I went home and cried and sat on the couch spiraling out of control. Disassociating. I was trying to reach out to my safety net and get support but that didn't help. I'm not going to talk about my rapes again. I'm not seeing my T any more, and I would dare say I feel probably the worse I've ever felt. I feel like I"m a failure and I've been projected back to my past rape situations. So that's how I'm right now. Last night I talked to a friend, and realized how bad things are right now. I don't want to talk to people and I don't want to discuss the rape, hence me reaching out. I'm grasping at my last hope right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[AlexBoyd]

I am very sorry to hear about the traumatic therapy session. You should consider going to a different therapist.

What I'm about to say will not make what you are feeling any less overwhelming, but I do want you to know that therapy often does result in feeling bad...it's hard work and it can hurt. Many of us here have...I dare say all of us...have gone through very low, hurtful periods before we can start feeling better.

Please don't think that I am trying to minimize your pain. I have no doubt that it hurts like hell, but it's important for you to know that it is not abnormal for therapy to hurt. Having said that, it does sound like a different therapist may be a good idea.

There is hope, even when it is impossible to see.

 

[Barkabus]

Hi Blund,

I am very sorry you have been retraumatized by your T repeatedly for the last six weeks. Even telling you it was your fault??? What the hell is that??? I think you did the right thing by letting him know how you felt about what he was doing to you. I would not have felt safe in that setting either. It sounds like you have been set way, way back by all of this. This just sucks horribly that your wounds have now been compounded to the extent that you no longer feel safe seeking professional counseling. I know good T's do exist out there but it can be a daunting task finding one. I wish I could tell you what to do to make things better. I am glad you are reaching out here though. As excruciatingly painful as it has been, you have made it this far. Please keep moving. Don't give up. Don't let the evil that has been a part of your life win. Hang in there bud. Hang on.

Mike

 

[Blund]

Thanks Guys Just tired of feeling horrible. Looking forward to being better someday. I just need to hold on.

 

[Esterio]

While my experience with my T is different from yours it still ended really badly for me. I went home and stayed there again, I went through about the same as you describe. Then I came online and talked to one of the friends I have made here. His advice to me was find a new T to work with and set boundaries and a good T will work with that. Going it alone for most of my life I feel has made everything worse as you just keep pushing it aside and hoping for it to go away.

My new T's office called the day before my 2nd session and canceled my session and into the future. I asked how long this would be they didn't know told me I may get a call in 2.5 weeks to reschedule. It took me about 1.5 years to find a new one. I live in and isolated community not much choice and a big need.

This is about the same way my last T started and he never got any better, he missed a session right after my first EMDR treatment with no notice to me. I showed up and they told me I must have made a mistake he is not in his office today. Then after that all he did was apologize for most of the next session. He missed more sessions than he made it to.

Then we tried EMDR again and he told me I was blocking him. Then he gave my some homework to get ready for next week and email it to him the day before. I did that and got a call from his office telling me he was not in the office this week sorry for the mistake. I got an email, text message and phone call from him apologizing to me over and over.

I wrote an email and told him I wouldn't be back to see him again as he was not there for me at all. That was over about 3 months of supposed to be a 90 minute session every week on Wednesday at 2:00pm. I am still upset by him and now my new one looks like she is heading down the same road.

I think a good T is hard to find but could be worth the search. I am finding help going to these mental health workshops. I am engage and interested for the 2 hours I am there
The workshop is being put on by a Psychiatrist and a Psychiatric nurse.

I hope you can find a way out of loneliness. It is a major struggle for me as well. I wanted to tell you you are not alone Brett.
Take Care
Esterio

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Blund,

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I think it's great that you had the courage to walk out on a therapist who blamed you for being raped. I think you might pat yourself on the back for that. Reaching out to us for support is another good thing you did for yourself. I don't see you as a failure at all. I see you as someone who faced a very difficult situation and negotiated it well. We expect to be supported by a therapist and when he re-traumatizes us, it's difficult to stand up for ourselves and walk out. I hope you are able to see and celebrate these things about yourself.

I also hope you are able to find better sources of support in the future so you don't have to go through this again, but at the very least you know you can survive a bad therapist. I had an experience of not being believed by the first therapist through which I sought help. Fortunately I had read in Mike Lew's book that this might happen, so I just kept on looking. I've had better luck in more recent years.

Sincerely,

Garth

 

[seachange]

Blund, I don't think you're a failure. That's a lot of stuff to confront all at once. I agree with the other guys here: maybe you're struggling with over-exposure to your trauma? Research shows that trauma healing requires developing tolerance of the overwhelming feelings first before the telling of the story can be useful.

Confronting my rape trauma, telling and writing it, has been essential & productive to healing. But too much is counter-productive: too much exposure floods me with intolerable feelings, sends me spiraling and basically re-traumatized me, making the ptsd worse.

Too little exposure by keeping it all hidden inside has also made things much worse for me. I end up exploding in rage or imploding into depression and dissociation.

I'm learning there's a balance of talking/thinking/writing about things just enough, and then stopping the talking/thinking/writing about it. A slow process, little by little, of small amounts of exposure, helped me build up my tolerance level so I could face more and more of the past.

A skilled therapist could help you develop ways of opening things up and then closing things down according to your tolerance level in any given session. You can learn how to do the same at home or whenever. It is a matter of trial and error, too much, too little, just enough.

I have learned some great "distress tolerance skills" for these really intense emotions, ways of distracting, calming, soothing, creating safety, finding ways to improve this moment. etc.

There's a book of skills for distress tolerance called the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Workbook.

Things guys here have told me: You survived the trauma, you can survive the memories. It's okay and necessary to avoid the whole thing in order to find some peace sometimes. The past will always be there when you are ready to face it again. Breathe.

Engage the help of your support network to help you distract yourself from the rapes and the intense emotions, to calm and soothe yourself. You are not alone even though you feel like it. It won't always feel this bad. seachange

 

[WG]

Blund - Not much more I can add here that hasn't been said. I will agree most with telling you that while having to walk through the intense feelings of our trauma and all that was done to us, we are going to feel and re-experience it. As was said, possibly it was too much at the time - its a lot to confront and most certainly all at once. I did that, too, and my T said for me to take it once incident at at time and when I felt I had processed it enough I could move on. But not until I was ready - however, he also said that it I do need to move through what I can remember and not to re-hash the same incident repeatedly and ignore whatever else happened. We all have come so far - don't give up. Don't ever give up. The abuse wins then - and we're soldiers we're here to battle it together as a force. As seachange said - you are not alone. You are here on this road with us. We are that band of brothers who stay together, fight together, win together. We don't back down.

 

[manipulated]

Blund

RUN away from that T and seek someone who understands your trauma. I was told I was a sex addict not a victim, I was answered with a question for every question I asked and after wasting three years on those bozos the flashbacks, the self doubt, the unworthiness, guilt and shame were unbearable. FINALLY followed the tips available under the helps here, got the guts to actually interview and shop for someone I could connect with and life is good again. You can do it too.

 

[Anomalous]

Hi Blund,

You are NOT a "failure."

If anyone has failed, it is that so-called "therapist."

As others have stated, run from that person.

A therapist is supposed to be working for and with us, not against us. They are supposed to be allies in healing, not ineptly retraumatizing.

Bringing you to the edge of the cliff and then ending the session is wrong in so many ways.

But, you already know that.

Finding a good T can take some effort, but it is well worth the effort.

YOU are well worth the effort.

If you have not seen it, there is a Consumer's Guide to Therapist Shopping. Add or delete any questions you need to tailor this to your needs.

You may find the Psychology Today website helpful. Enter your zip code, the distance you are able / willing to travel and select "trauma" as the specialty (rather than some variation of sexual abuse). A list of therapists displayed will show a variety of things including which, if any, insurance they accept, their areas of practice, the age(s) of individuals with whom they work, etc.

You may also want to contact the rape crisis center(s) in your area. Not only may they offer a number of sessions to you at no cost, they can also help you find a therapist. Some may even have support groups for males.

Contact the therapists by phone, rather than other means. You cannot be certain electronic messages are received, or are checked on a consistent basis. Also, you want to hear their replies - tone of voice, how welcoming they make you feel etc,., characteristics which are not available via electronic means.

Make several copies of your list of questions. At the top, record the name of the therapist you contacted, date and contact information. Also leave room to record your impression of the individual.

Obviously, you will not receive a "session" over the phone. But a therapist who is interested in helping will not object to answering some questions, though you probably will not be able to ask everything on your list. If the timing of your call is not convenient for the therapist, the person should offer to call you.

Listen to your "inner voice."

Did the therapist answer your questions, or were they evasive? Did the person make you feel comfortable (or as comfortable as possible under the circumstances), or did you feel rushed to get off the phone? Was the only response you received "make an appt.?"

If you inquired about their experience, did the therapist seem offended, was the question ignored, or did you receive an answer?

No therapist is going to be a "match" for every client. But interviewing therapists is a good way to weed out those with whom you will not be able to develop rapport and who will not be able to be an ally in your healing.

After you have asked several questions, the therapist may invite you to make an appointment. If you feel comfortable with that individual, you may choose to make the appt at that time. If not, it is perfectly acceptable to say you would like to think about it. Bring your list of questions to the appointment (and feel free to add any others which come to mind after your initial contact).

Calling and interviewing potential therapists is nerve wracking. Do not feel you have to call everyone on your list in a day or two, or even a week. Pace yourself, even though you want a therapist.

Before you call, tend to your physical and emotional needs. Have something to soothe your throat as anxiety can make it as dry as the Sahara.

You deserve to heal and you deserve to have somoene who will help and respect you, rather than harm you through their inexperience and / or incompetence.

As an aside, I have had two inexperienced and harmful therapists this past year. My last T was fired. As unlikely as a "match" as it may be, the therapist I am now seeing is a Marriage and Family Therapist. Though "trauma" is not her "speciality," unlike my former T, she is not afraid of working with trauma. And, if anyone can get into the trenches, it is an MFT.

Sometimes a gem of a therapist may not be whom you may have initially chosen. Do not let the credentials they have (or which they may not have) be the deciding factor.




Anomalous

 

[JamesM]

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