horrible horrible fight
Hi..
I just had to write to get this off my chest. My BF and I had the *worst* fight on Friday night, one that led to me being injured.
It started again with us discussing the future. My bf is really difficult to discuss the future with - I want to seriously discuss how our relationship may play out in the next few years (marriage, kids, etc). We are both on the verge of our mid 30's (I will be 33 next month and he will be 34 in the spring) and not married, and we both want kids (2). Due to the age/time/biological clock factor, there is some urgency... we both want to be married first, but my bf can't say when he might be ready to "take the plunge".
Yes, the big problem is that he is still working through his SA issues. He simply is not ready to handle this kind of commitment just yet. And I cannot disagree with that - how can I? It just will take the time that it will take for him to get through this. But I can't ignore my own feelings and desires for my life and my fears that I will not be able to have healthy children in my late 30's and early 40's, and worry how I will be able to get over that - will I be resentful if I stay with my BF and my dreams of motherhood are crushed? Will I regret leaving him if I choose to do so? I just dont know...
So, lately I've been scared that this relationship is doomed because of all the work he has to do to get ready. I know I can't change him and I have to accept him for who he is. I know that, but lately that is getting harder and harder to do, as I fear my dream of being a wife and mother may not happen if I stay with him.
So... I get scared, and he gets scared.. I try to tell him my concerns and feelings and he gets hurt.. and we fight. We have been stuck on this particular topic since about march/april of last year and its really taking a toll on the relationship. I have even started seriously thinking about walking away from the relationship. Its just so horrible because I do love him a lot, and we are old friends, but sometimes I think that love isn't enough and timing is everything.
I got so upset about this that I asked him to leave - whenever we start talking about this topic he always brings up his friend who is 40 years old and just had her first kid. At that point my fears are compounded by the anger I feel due to not being istened to.
Anyhow, some horrible things were said and done during this fight - including him hurling such insults and horrible words... calling me a "fucking bitch", telling me he didnt care about doing anythign anymore that was not for his own benefit, how he was going to be totaly selfish from now on (I have a difficult time discerning when people are just "blowing smoke" due to growing up with a suicidal father - I tend to take EVERY comment as serious). After awhile I was in so much pain I went numb.. and was very close to snapping..
I was already in a lot of pain due to the underlying mismatch in our relationship at the time.. and then he proceeds to hurl such painful comments to me. Pulling out insecurities and throwing them at me.... I was sobbing uncontrollably at times, and for some reason, my BF verbally attacks me even more when I'm like that. Telling me to shut up that I'm making things worse for myself, that I'm keeping him awake, how I'm causing him to have the "worst fuckign sleep he's ever had in his life", etc.
We went back and forth between our two apartments several times, each of us throwing the other out.. and eventually it appeared to me that the relationship was over - from what he was saying to me it sounded like he wanted to end it.
All indications were that he had dumped me, we were both in our own apartments at that time.. and I was just in shock.. by that time I had a total disassociation feeling in my body.. .like I was floating outside myself - I found myself doing things and not even being aware of them. I found myself trying to call him but he was refusing to answer the phone. .and then I found myself on my way to his apartment... - I should have just let things sit.. but it was like I was on autopilot.. at times like this (like every break up I've been through) I start thinking of the way my life is... how horrendously dysfunctional my "support network" (family) is (suicidal, unsupportive, alcoholic metally ill father, equally depressed brother in an abusive relationship with someoen who hates my guts) and that I've not got good friends to lean on because I'm still rather new in this city (and yes I've been in and out of therapy and haven't yet really had much healing on my recent family crises).
So.. after mulling over those nasty tidbits about my current reality I found myself "floating" over to his place (I dont even remember how I got there)... to see if there was anything I could say or do to change things.. I was begging and pleading (how humiliating) - and he refused to talk, refused to open the door past a crack and I stuck my fingers and face in the door to force the lines of communication to remain open all the while he was screaming at me to "get the fuck out of his apartment" and was trying to squish the door on the body parts that were in the door (fingers, face, shoulder). He started banging on my foot with a hard metal bike lock to try and get it out of the way, he started pushing my face out of the door.. poking me in the eyes, scratching my face, etc.
This really has horrified us both. That our pain and hurt could be so bad that we'd do this to each other - me so afraid of being alone that I was not able to give him the safe space he needed, him so angry that he'd lose control like that and feel the need to hurt me verbally and that I could actually get hurt physically.
We've been distraught about it since then - we're not broken up but in fact spent most of the weekend praying, going to church, and really really discussing things, sharing our feelings (which are still very strong and loving) etc. We *FINALLY* respected the fact that we are *BOTH* victims, and that we need to work at healing each other, both giving love and receiving each others love (somethign I am the champ at - discounting and not believing others' positive feelings about myself).
We are just so scared - that we have the potential to be so abusive. That our pain is just that bad. I think for the first time we are able to see just how much in pain we BOTH are, and we both acknowledged that we are both victims, and we both need help. We are currently in therapy but I think this fight has really opened our eyes about what might happen if we dont shape up, and soon. We have prayed for forgiveness over and over.. and we both just cant seem to move past this. We are both very scared.
I know we sound really nutty.. and perhaps the folks on this board and others who have been through abuse are the only people who know what it is like to be that hurting.. if anyone has some words of wisdom, or similar experiences that eventually worked out in the end..... please... please.. I'd be grateful if you'd share.
Soccer
I just had to write to get this off my chest. My BF and I had the *worst* fight on Friday night, one that led to me being injured.
It started again with us discussing the future. My bf is really difficult to discuss the future with - I want to seriously discuss how our relationship may play out in the next few years (marriage, kids, etc). We are both on the verge of our mid 30's (I will be 33 next month and he will be 34 in the spring) and not married, and we both want kids (2). Due to the age/time/biological clock factor, there is some urgency... we both want to be married first, but my bf can't say when he might be ready to "take the plunge".
Yes, the big problem is that he is still working through his SA issues. He simply is not ready to handle this kind of commitment just yet. And I cannot disagree with that - how can I? It just will take the time that it will take for him to get through this. But I can't ignore my own feelings and desires for my life and my fears that I will not be able to have healthy children in my late 30's and early 40's, and worry how I will be able to get over that - will I be resentful if I stay with my BF and my dreams of motherhood are crushed? Will I regret leaving him if I choose to do so? I just dont know...
So, lately I've been scared that this relationship is doomed because of all the work he has to do to get ready. I know I can't change him and I have to accept him for who he is. I know that, but lately that is getting harder and harder to do, as I fear my dream of being a wife and mother may not happen if I stay with him.
So... I get scared, and he gets scared.. I try to tell him my concerns and feelings and he gets hurt.. and we fight. We have been stuck on this particular topic since about march/april of last year and its really taking a toll on the relationship. I have even started seriously thinking about walking away from the relationship. Its just so horrible because I do love him a lot, and we are old friends, but sometimes I think that love isn't enough and timing is everything.
I got so upset about this that I asked him to leave - whenever we start talking about this topic he always brings up his friend who is 40 years old and just had her first kid. At that point my fears are compounded by the anger I feel due to not being istened to.
Anyhow, some horrible things were said and done during this fight - including him hurling such insults and horrible words... calling me a "fucking bitch", telling me he didnt care about doing anythign anymore that was not for his own benefit, how he was going to be totaly selfish from now on (I have a difficult time discerning when people are just "blowing smoke" due to growing up with a suicidal father - I tend to take EVERY comment as serious). After awhile I was in so much pain I went numb.. and was very close to snapping..
I was already in a lot of pain due to the underlying mismatch in our relationship at the time.. and then he proceeds to hurl such painful comments to me. Pulling out insecurities and throwing them at me.... I was sobbing uncontrollably at times, and for some reason, my BF verbally attacks me even more when I'm like that. Telling me to shut up that I'm making things worse for myself, that I'm keeping him awake, how I'm causing him to have the "worst fuckign sleep he's ever had in his life", etc.
We went back and forth between our two apartments several times, each of us throwing the other out.. and eventually it appeared to me that the relationship was over - from what he was saying to me it sounded like he wanted to end it.
All indications were that he had dumped me, we were both in our own apartments at that time.. and I was just in shock.. by that time I had a total disassociation feeling in my body.. .like I was floating outside myself - I found myself doing things and not even being aware of them. I found myself trying to call him but he was refusing to answer the phone. .and then I found myself on my way to his apartment... - I should have just let things sit.. but it was like I was on autopilot.. at times like this (like every break up I've been through) I start thinking of the way my life is... how horrendously dysfunctional my "support network" (family) is (suicidal, unsupportive, alcoholic metally ill father, equally depressed brother in an abusive relationship with someoen who hates my guts) and that I've not got good friends to lean on because I'm still rather new in this city (and yes I've been in and out of therapy and haven't yet really had much healing on my recent family crises).
So.. after mulling over those nasty tidbits about my current reality I found myself "floating" over to his place (I dont even remember how I got there)... to see if there was anything I could say or do to change things.. I was begging and pleading (how humiliating) - and he refused to talk, refused to open the door past a crack and I stuck my fingers and face in the door to force the lines of communication to remain open all the while he was screaming at me to "get the fuck out of his apartment" and was trying to squish the door on the body parts that were in the door (fingers, face, shoulder). He started banging on my foot with a hard metal bike lock to try and get it out of the way, he started pushing my face out of the door.. poking me in the eyes, scratching my face, etc.
This really has horrified us both. That our pain and hurt could be so bad that we'd do this to each other - me so afraid of being alone that I was not able to give him the safe space he needed, him so angry that he'd lose control like that and feel the need to hurt me verbally and that I could actually get hurt physically.
We've been distraught about it since then - we're not broken up but in fact spent most of the weekend praying, going to church, and really really discussing things, sharing our feelings (which are still very strong and loving) etc. We *FINALLY* respected the fact that we are *BOTH* victims, and that we need to work at healing each other, both giving love and receiving each others love (somethign I am the champ at - discounting and not believing others' positive feelings about myself).
We are just so scared - that we have the potential to be so abusive. That our pain is just that bad. I think for the first time we are able to see just how much in pain we BOTH are, and we both acknowledged that we are both victims, and we both need help. We are currently in therapy but I think this fight has really opened our eyes about what might happen if we dont shape up, and soon. We have prayed for forgiveness over and over.. and we both just cant seem to move past this. We are both very scared.
I know we sound really nutty.. and perhaps the folks on this board and others who have been through abuse are the only people who know what it is like to be that hurting.. if anyone has some words of wisdom, or similar experiences that eventually worked out in the end..... please... please.. I'd be grateful if you'd share.
Soccer
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