Hopeless love (not sure if off topic I apologize)

[illbedat]

Try to keep this simple and spare the feelings and how bad I feel. I've had a friend for about 7 years I was secretly in love with him the whole time. He didn't know I was gay until a couple years ago, when I told him how I felt about him. And it didn't happen immediately but at some point we had sex we have had sex I'd say 15 times but none in the past year. And he has a girlfriend and does not identify as gay. He has made it clear he does not want to continue a sexual relationship. But we still are and have remained best friends. My problem is I am deeply depressed but I don't want to lose my best friend. But I can't stand to be with him and I can't live without him. He is all I think about, he is the only person I have ever loved. I'm never hAppy , he is the only person who makes me happy. I just can't live without him but I don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.

 

[i-m-Bri]

illbedat,

That's a horrible place to be, I am sorry you feel so bad.

You can live without him, it just really sucks. What does he give you that makes you happy? Can you find another way of filling that need yourself?

 

[illbedat]

I have just always felt so dull and dead inside. Like I'm not a real person or I am half a person. He changes that, he changes me, he makes me smile, and laugh, I think differently around him, I feel whole, I just feel like a real person when I am with him. Feel complete and hAppy. And everyday I hope and pray he will change his mind it's stress and torture, but I'd rather feel this than lose him, he's all I ever had. Thanks for replying.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi illbedat,

I'm really sorry you're in such a low place now. True love is so hard to come by, and to have your heart broken can be so devastating that it may seem like you're never going to make it out of this pit of depression and despair.

First of all, I want to make it very clear that when, speaking of sexual abuse, someone tells me "it's no big deal, just get over it." I go ballistic and want to hit something or someone (if they're not bigger than I am )

But having said that, (and I don't think it applies to the emotional trauma of sexual abuse), there are times when the only way through such a rough deal as a broken heart is to try to get over it. I'm sure this is not what you need or what you want to hear. But I've had what I thought was my undying love rejected on two separate occasions, I've found the only way to keep my sanity is just get over it. In the early '60s there was a song, "Only Love Can Break A Heart" You are no doubt experiencing that part of life to the extreme. But the good news, if there is such, is the second part, which is: "Only Love Can Mend It Again."

The only way to replace a lost love is to replace it with another, even more powerful and more meaningful, love. It may sound like you're being unfaithful to seek someone else. It isn't. Especially at this very vulnerable time for you, you need to realize you're worth it, you're lovable and you deserve to have someone in your life who will devote himself only to you, not share part of himself with someone else, and who may or may not come back. You deserve a whole lot better than this.

Plus, there's this to consider. If you love him, then you would want him to be happy also, just like you deserve to be happy. If he has chosen a girlfriend it sounds as if he's chosen what makes him happy and what's best for him. You owe it to him and to yourself to honor that decision. You owe it to yourself to seek someone who can return the love and respect you deserve.

As my father often said "Everyone has an opinion and an asshole." It may not be what you want to hear, but this is just my opinion.

 

[greenwizard]

I can relate to feeling like only half a person or less. But while your current situation really sucks, you never know what the future holds. I once thought I was going to be alone the rest of my life, but then a friend introduced me to my girlfriend, and that was the best thing that ever happened. I don't know if this will make you feel better, but the universe has a way of pulling the rug out from under you, and then giving you a precious gift when you least expect it.

 

[illbedat]

You guys are great. Maybe i dont know what im looking for or what i want but i feel this. I am sad and mad when he is with other ppl and he kind of a dick sometimes and of course i feel crazy and i know how i sound. Im real hopeless and times lik3 now i hav3 no one around and no.one to talk to...and thats when i come here? I really am a bad person. I just dont wamt to be alone anymore.

 

[motmcd]

Hugs, illbedat. Our hearts become so heavy when broken. I'm sorry for your troubles. Try to move forward one day at a time. I do believe it's predictable another person will fill the void you now feel. Hopefully, that someone can give back to you as much as you love and as much as you invest in the relationship.

I know nothing I can say will lighten the burden of your broken heart. Just know we're all here to support you.

Peace,
Tom

 

[KMCINVA]

illbedat

Love is something that captures us or can control us. Love should be free willed and reciprocated. I had turbulent years during periods of syncope and battling the memories of the abuse and during this time I realized I did not have love but rather was the third cog in the wheel. If I had love I would not have been left alone when syncope was controlling my life. I realized the other party truly loved her parents and siblings and then the children, for they were young and she left, and then maybe me. I stayed and it was disastrous--I kept falling apart, the memories continued to escalate and I was losing time left and right. I had no emotional attachment to the ex but remained. I was struggling and did not want to be alone because of fear. It was the worse decision of my life because the torment continued and the children had been brought into the fray--they were left as children and the doctors say probably felt abandoned so they clinged to her when she finally returned after being gone for long periods of time over 3 years to accommodate her siblings--she should have been there at times but not the duration. The children do not even understand their issues and I am only beginning to understand because of therapy and support groups I attend. It was a mess. From the torment and acts on me, I am broken and depression controls my life and I fight not to dissociate--running from myself so the pain stays behind--not healthy. But sadly, these people who inflicted the abandonment and repulsive acts see nothing wrong with their behavior. I am the one left to heal from the CSA and the torment. Go figure.

I am trying to tell you if you do not have reciprocated love your life will not evolve and you will be miserable. Take Blue's advice, find love that is two ways, where you put each other first. Your friend can be your friend only if you chose for it to be that way. I have been fortunate I found someone who gave me love, took me out of despair but she is not always here. I know our future is uncertain due to her ambitions and desires. I accept that. A woman who I know has an interest in me said, sometimes angels come into our lives for specific reasons and this woman (my friend) may just be that angel. Sad to think, so I am enjoying while I have the opportunity.


You will figure it out. Love should not be controlling or manipulative or push one to something out of obligation, if it is, it is obsession.

Kevin