homosexual???

[Gadzook]

Some people have a fear that when a rape takes place to a male by another male that the "victim" will become homosexual or bisexual. I, myself have been a bisexual male my whole entire life. I was indeed born this way. I have had the same thoughts for as long as I can remember. Even before my molestation or rape (which let's get serious here - are the same things) I had bisexual thoughts.
Being raped did not make me a homosexual. I don't believe there is anything that makes an "instant homo". Do I think events like rape confuse the mind? Of course I do. I know they do. But even a confused mind about ones sexuality after a rape does not automaticaly make you gay. Depression, anxiety, ptsd all have there way to confuse a mind and when you go through a rape your mind is so vulnerable to all sorts of ideas and thoughts and assumptions. Some men who are raped end up becoming prostitutes. (I said some) They feel no real self worth and are so confused and block all emotions out that they turn to sex as a way to release the pain. Of course this does not work. But they may go out and have sex with another male. This does not make them gay as you can see the events in their lives that lead them to this point. They shut off all emotions and let there feelings of worthlessness start to contol them rather than their instincts and what they know is right. Who can blame them? Their mind gets clouded and most don't have a way to talk about what happened to them. Some are too humiliated/scared. I know I was for a long time.
Life is difficult enough without dealing with a rape. Life is confusing enough without having to deal with a rape. Emotions are confusing enough without having to deal with a rape.
I'd be interested to know what others ideas and opinions are on this subject. I know a lot of people here have or are facing the questions of their own sexuality.
Let me start by saying the bottom line is
"We are All Human"!
gadzook

 

Sexual identity has me absolutely lost. Before I had flashes, I was searching for the reason for my depression. Was it my girlfriend, my work, etc rah rah rah. was I gay?

All my life I've had fantasys about other men, and thought: so this is it, I must be gay.

I think that thought was my trigger to alot of flashes from my sexual abuse.

So now I'm even more confused about my sexuality.

Lets say I was "born gay". You could argue that the feelings of shame, insecurities, wanting to feel normal and other emotions brought about from SA could actually make it harder to come out of the closet.

Now lets say I was "born straight". You could argue that as a result of SA I am wanting to relive the event or (perhaps less direct) to recieve loving attention from a man.

I've spoken to a few gay men, and most of them say "I've always known I was gay". As in, from early memories, seeing guys in change-rooms etc had been a turn on. Never for me. So I'm not a "definate gay".

Maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that I will always be confused sexually. (perhaps a new lable "confused-sexual" instead of "survivor"?)

I can't express any of this with my girlfriend... real bummer.

 

[Just Call me J]

I hear ya, Brett!

All the crushes I've had in my life WERE toward girls, so I've got a feeling that I'm "naturally straight" (or whatever), but I've had an interest in crossdressing since I was about 9 years old.

Talk about something to induce shame, and keeping secrets. The stuff in the online porn I read about crossdressing has surprised me (in some cases, really shaken me up) in its ability to turn me on. So I've had some cause to doubt my sexuality for a good long time. Finding out that I was abused just added more confusion.

I'm willing to jump on that bandwagon of the other main topic in here: why are we sexually pigeon holed? It's time to just BE, instead of setting ourselves into other people's arbitrary boxes.

J
We're in this together.

 

[michaelb]

brett....you echo my sentiments exactly.....i'm 42 and have been afraid to have sex with anybody since i was abused when i was younger.....the abuse began when i was 2......lasted a long time..............but i've never kissed or touched a guy sexually, but i think about guys all the time and masturbate looking at guys...playgirl, etc..... but i've made out with girls and have become sexually aroused only to back out of going all the way because of the fear that i'll freak out....i guess i'm afraid all the memories/fashbacks will come back at once and i might really hurt somebody......i've been in therapy for a few months and my therapist has suggested a sex therapist.....have not gone yet but have talked to a couple of guys that have gone and it seems to help.....i'm beginning to come to grips with my sexuality....i'm probably bi-sexual, but because of my borderline personality disorder i only think in black and white terms and being bisexual is in the grey area.....i've been unable or unwilling to accept......but i've told my family i might be gay and they have totally freaked......F--- THEM.......i've lived my whole life in fear trying to please them.....it is time i live for myself......just one question for you.....have you ever had sex with a guy before?????? did you like it?????? why?????? if you'd like to e-mail me to continue our discussion, i can be reached at [email protected] not, that is ok too.....just take care of yourself......michael

 

[Gadzook]

Originally posted by michaelb:
brett....you echo my sentiments exactly.....i'm 42 and have been afraid to have sex with anybody since i was abused when i was younger.....the abuse began when i was 2......lasted a long time..............but i've never kissed or touched a guy sexually, but i think about guys all the time and masturbate looking at guys...playgirl, etc..... but i've made out with girls and have become sexually aroused only to back out of going all the way because of the fear that i'll freak out....i guess i'm afraid all the memories/fashbacks will come back at once and i might really hurt somebody......i've been in therapy for a few months and my therapist has suggested a sex therapist.....have not gone yet but have talked to a couple of guys that have gone and it seems to help.....i'm beginning to come to grips with my sexuality....i'm probably bi-sexual, but because of my borderline personality disorder i only think in black and white terms and being bisexual is in the grey area.....i've been unable or unwilling to accept......but i've told my family i might be gay and they have totally freaked......F--- THEM.......i've lived my whole life in fear trying to please them.....it is time i live for myself......just one question for you.....have you ever had sex with a guy before?????? did you like it?????? why?????? if you'd like to e-mail me to continue our discussion, i can be reached at [email protected] not, that is ok too.....just take care of yourself......michael

*************
I think in one way or another everyone has a sexual identity crisis at some time in their life. Some may have it early others may have it late. And then some have it in between. For people who have been raped and/or abused in any way I think we tend to add sexual identity and personal identity together more than most. Sexuality does not make the person. Male/Female - Gay/Straight, it all comes down to that old saying "it's who you are inside that counts." I believe, in other words "whatever you are doing - if you know it and feel it to be the right thing for your life then it probably is.
People that are survivors like msyelf all tend to have that "I have to please everyone" mentality. And that "gee what if this person does not like me for who I am" fear. So we re-invent ourselves time and time again. Trying to fit into society and be "normal". Hoping people will like us and won't find out about our deep dark secrets of the past.
Well nobody is normal. Everyone has problems. No one is perfect. That's the cool part of life. If you are bisexual then so be it. If you are straight - great! The bottom line is just being "you" is hard enough without dealing with all the emotional pain inside as well.
It may take us longer to figure out who we are but we all are somebody and we all deserve to be here. To me that is all that matters.
gadzook