HOMOPHOBIA ?

HOMOPHOBIA ?
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OKIE MIKE

Registrant
I was wondering is it normal to be afraid of homosexuals . I was raped by another male soldger 29 years ago .And sence then I have a mistrust of gay men . I am a streight man . But why should I care less about some one ealses sexual prefrences . As long as they dont bother me . Could this be a direct result of being raped when I was younger ?
 
I think it possible, how it is you feel, it is result what happen. I think it, though, the 'numbers' of it say that most pedophiels, they are 'straight' men, not gay. And as I was sexual abuse by both woman and man, I guess it, I could have discomfort of either or both them. I do not have issue of gay men. But I do have issue of touch. I do not like it so much from people, specialy people I do not know. I do not like it from women or men, but I can tolerate it more of women, and is perhaps because I feel less it is possible 'threat' because they are smaller and physicaly weaker usualy (not is offense on women, sorry). So if a gay man, he is around me, he is 'touchy' kind of person, I will choose more to be away of him. But if a straight man is also same kind of person, I will choose stay away of him also. I do not know that fear of any group of humans is 'normal', but I think is some more easy to understand with the situation.

VN
 
MMmm good question.

Im not homophobic, but I dont like some behaviours associated with gay men. Like approaching me in toilets for 1. I would never chat up a girl while she was having a piss and dont appreciate that from gay men.

I also dont like it when gay men (I've know) try to make excuses for being gay such as

I blame my mother, she pampered me
Click to expand...
If your gay, your gay. There is no blame.

I think (in a nutshell) its not gay men Im uncomfortable with, its stereotypical gay behaviour.
 
vn....boy i hate anyone touching me.. it gives me the willies....man women child..doesnt matter...and i dont touch others...at times i was asked to help others who needed it and i couldnt i froze..i have never held a baby..Steve
 
Mike,

I think only a T could really answer your question where YOU are concerned, and that after spending some time with you to talk about the subject.

But no, I don't think there is any reason to be afraid of homosexuals. What would that reason be?

If you are thinking from a survivor's point of view, then it's useful to note, as VN points out, that most pedophiles consider themselves straight rather than gay. And if it's about the sex involved, it's worth remembering that sex between an abuser and his victim is rape, while sex between two gay men is something shared and enjoyed by the two parties just as in heterosexual sex.

Have you considered the possibility that what happened to you makes you worry that you will "attract" gay men? Many guys feel that they were "abuse magnets", so I wonder if you have fears something like this.

Whatever it is, it would be a good idea to discuss it with a professional therapist to resolve the problem. You already know you don't have anything to fear from gays, so it makes sense to deal with the anxiety.

Much love,
Larry
 
To me it sounds more like internalized homophobia. Like Larry said you might keep asking yourself what it was about you, that attracted that man who abused you to you? I think its part of the guilt complex some of us have and struggle with. I have read somewhere that boys who did not have a good relationship with their fathers, have a father-craving that sexual predators can almost "smell". And that these boys are more likely to be abused.
Part of your feeling uncomfortable around gay men could be this internal questioning ..why me, what was it about me that made me a wictim, which signals did I send out that made another man abuse me?

I think it is understandable for you to be uncomfortable around gay men. It may not be politically correct but more than likely ... that man who abused you wasnt "Gay" ..he was a sexual predator.
We probably seek all sorts of intellectual answers as to why me? You beeing uncomfortable around gay man is an emotional answer. Is your response homophobic? so be it ... you have your reasons. It is understandable. But stop blaming yourself for what happened. And some gay men really push straight mens boundaries! You are an adult now. You can say no now.
 
I agree with others, that the man who raped you is most likely not gay. However, I can see that because of that event, the ideas of gay men and their sexual behaviors could be disturbing.

Personally, I have nothing against gay men in general. However, I have seen and been victim when one will ignore and break certain boundaries I set. These particular boundaries, a 'straight' man would have no interest in them. A gay man who breaks them, to me, is no better then my own abusers.

If you feel that way, you do. I doubt you are going out committing hate crimes against homosexuals in retaliation. If you have such feelings of discomfort, so be it.

Leosha
 
i hope this question goes with this topic ,i dont want to offened anyone ,but i have nothing against gay people at all ,what i dont understand ,is how something that was so painfull in so many ways could ever become enjoyable? it seems like if you were molested or raped by a man ,that sex with a man would be a giant trigger.i only ask cause i'm trying to understand .
 
My last boss was 6' 4" married but was very feminine, others mocked him on the floor, but I never did.

I suppose he had to live like anyone else, but I never would have seen him as an abuser, and I never had any problem with thinking gay men are abusive at all.

I would look for control freaks, they have a beast inside them, and when younger were brought up in a violent household, so they do not have any feeling for another.

These kids who kill animals etc., they are likely to be the future ones,

ste
 
Shadow,

Your question is a really good one, and I don't think you should feel awkward asking it here. But let me say that the key, I think, lies in understanding that your question is a logical one, while the real situation is a totally fucked-up one where logic gets tossed aside and pure emotion prevails.

In many cases the boy is expertly groomed by the abuser. He gets attention, affection, and presents; he's made to feel special, loved and important. Those are things the boy needs, and if he's not getting that at home the abuser may seem like a wonderful friend, like a big brother. And in many cases the boy is introduced to sexual activity gradually. He trusts the abuser, and in any case he may be very curious about sex. As the abuse continues he may get very judgmental about himself, while still admiring the abuser and "enjoying" the physical sensations of the sex.

Later on in life, as an adult, the survivor may be acting out - repeating the abuse scenario for a variety of reasons. And I guess he could possibly be telling himself he must be gay because of all the images in his head. If he was abused for a long time, those images will probably include many cases where he went along with the abuser's wishes "willingly", or at least offered no resistance.

I think what we see here is yet another example of how the trauma of abuse can really mess up the way the survivor thinks about some basic areas of his life.

Much love,
Larry
 
I think the issue of physical boundaries is crucial - as I was touched by both males and females inappropriately as a child -

in fact - i used to jump when people were close or touched me or said my name loudly -

i think utter denial with rape for me - was what happened -

it was like that when i broke my arm too -

the teacher said - it's ok to get mad -..

so mistrust - and wanting to be close -and yet all that pent up - and loosing almost all senses of evenness -'

i don't like anyone touching me unnanounced -

but i don't mind touch - with someone i care for -

sometimes though - i just want to be alone - like
don't touch me - get away.
 
I have held back on this comment here, but I think it might in fact be useful for guys who feel awkward or fearful around gay men to give some thought to how things actually are. In fact I think in facing our fears it's always helpful to examine how those fears match up with the situation in the real world.

In reality straight men have almost nothing to fear from gay men. If you walk into a gay bar you will get scoped and that might be embarrassing. Solution? Turn around and leave - simple. But gay men don't aggressively accost straight men in the street and personally, I have never heard of a gang of gays beating up a straight guy.

The trouble is of course the other way around. If you are in a gay relationship you have to be careful about looking for a one-bedroom apartment and which restaurants you go to if you are thinking of a romantic evening. A gay kid who invites another boy to the prom will get ridiculed almost to death when in fact he's probably the bravest guy in school. Gay relationships are denied the legal consideration and protection that everyone else gets automatically. You can lose your job if you are gay, and gays are often beaten up just for "sport". In the infamous Jonathan Shepard case in Wyoming, this kid was kidnapped, beaten and tied to a fence to die, and in court the murderers' lawyers even tried the defense of "gay panic".

So the point would be that while all our fears have to be recognized and brought out into the open so we can work on them, I think it's useful to note that this particular fear, homophobia, has almost no corrolation with the situation we find in the real world.

Much love,
Larry
 
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