General Thoughts to Share Holidays stress me out

[raffa_will_fight]

I mean, I like to eat and have a drink too much. And at home I never have to do anything when we come together. I am not even asked. Sometimes I try, open a bottle, then want to get the glasses. And then I freeze and my brain just pauses. Not like paralysed, like taking the glass has to be a thought like “I must go to the cabinet, open, take the glass out, put it on the table, fill it with bubbles”. And that simple thought process make no sense to me. kind of hard to understand what I mean. Logically I know what is implied in the process from “We need glasses” to “I give you the full glass”. I watch people move so relaxed when they invite friends. All is done so naturally. When I invite those few people in my life (my family (3) and close friends (5)), me sister saw me, and finally SAW. The expectations I feel I must fulfill to be right and loved have me freeze. One little thing not going how I carefully prepared in my head 24 hours before is kind of “pulling me from the situation”. Writing this out feels… powerful? weird? still figuring it out.

I am only with people I feel comfortable, otherwise I do not leave the house. When more people are involved, like strangers at bigger events, at least 2-3 people of my inner circle must be present, accompany me when I need to go to the toilet, go to get drinks with me.
This last year though felt different. Therapies started FINALLY make sense. I had found the answers to those annoying questions my T asked. And that change how I perceive everyone around me. When they talk, especially if strangers, every word and micro expression gets evaluated to have a psychological idea of that person. Do that with 100 people in an hour So the smaller the group, the better.

ANYWAY. Since I started to believe me, to trust myself and take care of me (mentally, not physically) how I live social moments changed. Because I start to have answers to the whys I have for a long time. Na… for all my life. That gives me a strange and new feeling of lessening the doubting myself. Accepting my weirdness seems to be an interesting choice to find a solution to my impulse to change and for people, adjust to be seen.
The price for feeling finally better, is pretty tough guys… it’s so new, destroying my loved routine in my little bubble I forced myself into. I see and feel that I am way stronger than I keep thinking. Yes, some memories get me to my knees sometimes. Yes, the moments of physical pain and disgust are draining the last bit of self love and self respect and self esteem out of me. Yes, what I write sometimes doesn’t even come close to what I experience. And still! I am here, write, chat, share, support and get supported.

Holidays make it a little trickier. Because the obligations I feel I have are even more energy consuming. This, combined to all these new feelings, and triggers, and visions is… a challenge.

 

[Robert1000]

Dude. Isn't this the truth!?!

The holidays may be the toughest time of the year. After the abuse I suffered (fourth grade), I spent a few years trying to be good enough to make some kind of lasting deal with God to not be a bad kid, ruined, whatever. I was terrified all the time but particularly in the dark, in my room, anywhere I was alone. I harmed myself and was filled with shame. Maybe shame was the most important thing in my life at that time. I felt ashamed every second.

And damnit if that shame doesn't come back every holiday season. My folks love to recall times when I fought other people, when I was deep in drugs and alcohol. I'm part of the problem here, as far as the recollections go, because I cast every story as funny. I embraced the violence because I was afraid and I think by being big and violent, I'd be safe. But it all just wraps me up in all the wrong feelings. I dissociate. I feel triggered constantly. I hate it, but at the same time I love my family and want to be with them during the holidays.

My wife can sometimes start to see me spiral, and she helps me get on track, but that triggering still happens. The dissociation still happens. It all adds up to misery, I'm afraid. I thank god that another holiday season is behind me. I don't even know if I can ever deal with things better. I take medication, and that sometimes helps. I almost never drink alcohol anymore, and I never do around my family. Still, after 20 years of therapy, it's pretty amazing how fast I regress.