Holiday is coming, so are the perps

Holiday is coming, so are the perps
E

EGL

Registrant
In a way, I've been dreading Christmas coming up, because I know I will see my brother (perp) at my parents' house on Saturday. It will be the first time I've seen or talked to him since I began dealing with the SA six months ago. I don't really know how I'll react, so I guess it's the fear of the unknown.

We got several inches of sleet and snow here today and the temps aren't supposed to get out of the 20s for the next few days, so maybe we'll be snowed in and won't be able to make it to my parents (they live in the same town here). That wouldn't be so bad. My inlaws live right around the corner from us on the other hand, so we could actually walk over there. Would be a much more enjoyable time, since my inlaws are more like "real" parents to me than my own parents are. It would hurt me much more to lose one of my inlaws to death than it would one of my parents. I know that sounds horrible when I say it, but it's true and how I feel now, although I know I should feel otherwise.

Well, men, for all of you having to look upon the perps again on Saturday, I'll be praying for you to have peace in your heart and calm in your mind.

Merry Christmas, all.
 
EGL I can see your fear in your writing. But as you said actually it is fear itself that gives us so much angst and the fear of the unknown. You know brother you have nothing to be afraid of. On the other hand he does. Where I am in my life I think I would make some caustic comment to him to elicit a little bit of anxiety into his life just to let him know what it feels like. In actual fact you control his life now.
But I also see your point about your inlaws. I too feel the same way.

But the thought of putting a little fear into his life sounds so wonderfully right that I would be sorely tempted to just tip over the cart at my parents house and then just screw off to where I am loved as a son.

I am not advocating you do it. But just thinking about it may help you a lot over this holiday season.

Wishing you all the best and I hope that 2005 is a great year for you.

your brother
 
You said

"It would hurt me much more to lose one of my inlaws to death than it would one of my parents. I know that sounds horrible when I say it, but it's true and how I feel now, although I know I should feel otherwise. "

First off, I don't believe there are any wrong feelings. Considering what happened to you, I'd say you're entitled to feel this way. It doesn't sound horrible to me at all.

Second, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming based on what you said that you have a better connection with your in-laws than with your parents. I've had some very good people in the past and present who connected with me much better than my parents ever will. It doesn't mean it won't hurt some when one of my parents dies. They are still mom and dad. But the caliber of relationship with others may far outweigh what the parents offered in that it will be a greater loss to the heart because of the connections established. Your inlaws may even fill emotional gaps or voids your parents can't.

Hope that makes sense.
 
Thanks, Mike and Texan, for the replies. They helped a great deal. I was talking to my wife about this today, after she noticed me taking a Xanax (anti-anxiety med). I felt myself heading for a meltdown today so wanted to head it off, even if it required med to do it, and it helped. She understands what Saturday is going to be like for me, having to face all these ones in a "happy" family setting who heaped crap on my in my life. As I was talking to my wife, I was reminded of something my T said to me in one of our last sessions in November, which was that my childhood was what it was, and those people now are what they are.

In a way, I think we sometimes wish we could go back in time and change all those things that happened to us in childhood, make our abuse never have happened, make our parents love us the right way, etc. But it was what it was, and there's no changing it. And now they are what they are. I can't change the beatings my father gave us, the sexual abuse my brother did, or the emotional and physical neglect of my mother. It is what it is.

So, the plan for Saturday is to eat at my parents at 12:00 noon, and then zip over to my in-laws to eat again at 1:30. Obviously looking forward to the later much more.

Again, all you guys who will be seeing your abusers over the next few days, I'll be praying for you all earnestly tonight and the next few days. Peace unto you all, and Merry Christmas.
 
I specifically put in for overtime today so I would not be obliged to drive up to Wyoming to visit the parents. Doing the same thing for New Year. My excuse with them is that I have a house to pay for. It probably doesn't completely wash, but it keeps them off my back.
 
EGL, your feelings are your feelings. There is not a lot we can do about how we feel, but we can control various ideas that come into our mind when we are feeling something that tries to exert some control over us.

You sound like a really good man who has a really good wife. That is the basis for your joy and sense of security. The T is sure correct when she says that we need to treat people as they are today, rather than as they were some years ago when they harmed us. But you know what? I think that means IF they have changed to the better. I just don't think that we have to put ourselves in a pressure cooker to make someone else feel good.

I hope that the day comes when you can talk openly and honestly to your parents and maybe have some healing take place there. But, I do not know your story, so that may be a really ridiculous statement.

Take care--enjoy!

Bob
 
This topic has brought me so much relief, I was always felt guilty for not loving with my parents the way normal people do. So I forced myself to be nice to them while hating them and their power to hurt me. But now I am ok.

I dont HAVE to love them, just accepting them for what they are. They have their own emotional handicaps especially my mother who is emotionally inert and her only language is Food. She will feed you like their is no tmrw.

I thought telling my story would have some affect on them or about their emotional and physical abuse. But not sure had any.

They are still lost in their own world as ever. My father even held grudge that I held grudge against him for so long. He had an excuse for all his behaviour.

But now I just learning to be unconditional. Loving them as two human beings I know. Doesnt harm me much.

Thank you!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top