Holding / touching - trigger?

Holding / touching - trigger?
R

RICK57

Registrant
Here I go again - these things just keep popping into my mind now and again.

Some of you may remember fairly recently that I made a posting stating that I had difficulty using the word love!? That still remains, but I am getting better at it!

Ignoring the abuse (was outside of the family), but growing up our family didn't really hug each other or state that we were loved etc (although we new we were).

Now when I go out socially with friends, it seems that everyone else knows that they can put their arms around each others shoulders & it's only being friendly, whereas it makes me squirm. I know that none of my friends mean anything other than friendship ( friends / wives etc)and that they are just showing real friendship/concern for me....does anyone know if I will ever stop squirming?

???? Don't even know if I can answer this myself....friends know why I squirm, so maybe that solves the issue???

Rik
 
Can I recommend regular healing massage? Not the more invasive "sports" variety, but someone trained in non-invasive touch, such as Esalen technique. On the one hand, we may cringe or even jump when people touch us, on the other hand, we are hungry for touch, parched even. I have been going to an amazing masseur for 15 years now, and the transformation she has made in my ability to touch and be touched is amazing.
 
I find my self almost the oppisite. I feel like I need peoples touch *the good kind lol* Like rather then fantisizing about sexual adventures I normaly would much more enjoy sleeping in someones arms. or wakinup with someone I love wraped in my arms or vise versa. kising/huggins/sleeping cuddled with are all something that is a huge 1. turn on for me 2. something that i think *unfortunatly iv never gotten to do those things* I think would be hugely soothing and enjoyable not only phsyicaly but emotionaly. So maybe we all react differntly but touch for me is very postive. but ppl who i dont like touching me does bug me at times. Sometimes i dnt care *when im out with friends some times someone will get all drunk and become wat we call "huggy" lol the huggy ones are funny..cus they 1. hug everyon 2. tell everyone how much they love them 3. appoligize the next day. but i can see waht u mean if i ddin't feel close to someone then iot might make me not squirm but get very mad if they kept touching me when i dind't want em 2.
 
I think touch is a really strange thing for us... and it sounds like it differs from person to person here.

For me, I have no problem hugging strangers, friends, acquaintances, etc. but put me in a sexual situation and include "loving" touches like kissing, cuddling, stroking and I go out of my head. For me, sex is sex and should only be used for getting off and not for showing love and affection. (I know that this is flawed thinking... that sex has been linked with pain, roughness, and the need to disassociate for me. I'm working on this, but it is slow going.)

I remember a distinct memory from when I was a little kid... I remember telling my mother that kids "need to stop being hugged at 8 years old." That is right around when my stepfather left the picture, which I find interesting.

I have recently been going to a craniosacral therapist for migraines/TMJ and it is very safe-feeling work. Unlike a massage, you don't have to undress and it isn't stroking... it is holding the base of the neck, the lumbar spine, etc. If you have a problem with hands on your face, I might not recommend it because there are some positions where her hand is on my forehead or chin. Just a thought...

-Sean
 
I'm a very touchy person. In that I have a need to hold and be held. I need that kind of physical contact and have been told many times that I give the best hugs.

At the same time, if contact is initiated from the back or I am unaware of it coming, I become very paniced. Resulting in panic attacks, flashbacks, or physical retailiation.

So overall I am needing of touch, but it cannot be unexpected.

Bill
 
Yea, touching is a real weird thing for me too.

Usually I'm ok with hugging, but if someone touches my shoulder or puts thier arm around me I get really uncomfortable.

Even worse, if someone touches me from behind I get incredibly angry at the drop of a hat. This is a real problem because one of my hobbies simulates melee combat and getting the drop on someone from behind is a real advantage. I try really hard not to flip out on my fellow players, but I have had to issue my fair share of apologies.

I also cannot be touched in any way when I'm sleeping or I wake up swinging. I'm glad most of my friends are quick on thier feet and/or know not to wake me by shaking me.

I'm scared to be touched in general really though, which sucks because I long for loving physical contact so much.

I hope this was helpful

Eric
 
Thanks everybody.

I think that most of the time, the arm around the shoulder comes from out of my field of vision & that's when I squirm most. It's reading your comments here that have helped me realise that, so maybe I can handle it better in future... maybe I should just tell my friends what I told you. I think the abuse actually first started with the arm around the shoulder as well, so that's obviously got impact!

Thanks again...best wishes ..Rik
 
I was going to say Massage the minute I read your post, but Abe beat me to it (no pun intended). And I don't say massage just because I'm a licensed massage therapist either... this has a personal place within me.

Before I started into massage school, I hated anyone touching me or getting within 6 feet of me. I hated crowds and my skin was always at the state of attention. With massage on a frequent basis (I try to get one every two weeks at least), I have gotten to a point where crowds don't bother me as much (the anxiety is less) and someone touching me is a lot different. I have learned that there is a thing called healthy touch which I can allow and which I can tell the differance of from unhealthy touch. My skin and my body are much more relaxed now than they ever have been. So for me giving massages as a professional is not just about a career, it is a very personal journey for myself as well.

I remember when I first started in school and we were supposed to share with each other what was good/bad/like/dislike about the massages we received. Man, I made more classmates furious because I couldn't describe anything as I couldn't feel anything. I could see someone touching me but that is as far as it registered in my mind. Now I can not only feel touch but I can also describe it and it is so liberating for me. I could shout for joy over this subject because of what it is giving to me.

I still struggle with touch and there are times I don't want anyone close (which makes romantic times with a partner tough). But it has drastically improved from what it was and my next step is to begin looking into body centered psychotherapy to get to the source of some of my struggles.

Anyway, feel free to ask me any questions. I don't know if I can answer them all, but by you sharing what you do, it helps me learn and will help me be more effective with other survivors as I run across them (and I can tell that I do run across other survivors).

One book that may help explain more stuff is a book by Dr Clyde Ford called Compassionate Touch. It is written more for someone doing body work, but it has a ton of information in it that is extremely useful.

Don
 
Oh, this is something I have such difficulty with. When first I left the abuse situation, I could not be touched at all. People thought I was very rude, because I could not even have people too close in my 'personal space'. Over the years, I am now able to be hugged okay by my mom, my last coach, and my girlfriend, and can handle physical touch from several other people that I am close with. But I do not do well with strangers. Even the basic handshake, I do not do well with an indiscriminate handshake in greeting a stranger. Or, sometime with strangers who are more 'tactile' people (it seems mostly women, not to be discriminating), there are some who will get into your body space and maybe put a hand on your arm, or even try to hug as a greeting, when you do not know them, or know them well! That will usually have me backing away quite quickly, so I am sure again, I am perceived as rude.

I actually had a very uncomfortable 'touch situation' occur yesterday, that was a rather trigger and upsetting thing. It was not that person's fault, but my body reacted strangely to it, which greatly upset me. I think I have recovered some from it, but it still kind of frustrates me and makes me feel guiltly.

I am glad that your friends are supportive and receptive to you. I hope that you will become more accustomed to positive touch, and less triggered by it. Good luck to you.

Leosha
 
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