Hobbies...do they mean running away?

Hobbies...do they mean running away?
M

my_own_prison

Registrant
Hi all,

Last nite I got into a conversation with my wife. It stemmed from the fact that I needed to tell her how much my new hobby (Karate) was going to cost us. She was very curt with me from the get go. I asked her if she supported me in my new found hobby and her answer was "It's not like I have a choice". I told her that this was a good step for me and that I was rebuilding my self confidence and esteem. Her response was that it was just another way I was "running away" from my past. That really hurt. Is everything that I want to do from now on going to be considered and "escape". Geesh, I'm already tagged and labled for the rest of my life by her. I just don't know what to think about her response. I said that I felt nothing but negativity coming from her and she said she couldn't help that. So I walked out of the bedroom and said "well, I guess I can go back to drinking beer every night and masterbating in front of the computer." She didn't respond. Of course I'm not going to do that, I like Karate and she's right, there is nothing she can do about that. However, It sure would be nice to have her support. I was actually starting to feel better about myself until last nite.
 
My_own_prison,

I have been in a situation like that, though it focused more on the time I spend on my "recovery activities" than on a hobby.

I think the issue with my wife is more about the decision making process, the presumption that she should not have a "claim" to my time. She does deserve my time. She didn't marry me to hear about my life but to share it and her own. My kids deserve my time, too.

Then there are the "who spends the money, when, where and why" questions. I just realized as I'm typing this that I'm the one bringing in the money now (we both worked full time for many years). Maybe when I say I'm "going to do" something, she sees it as me trying to control "my" money. I just thought of that as I typed. I bet that would bug her. Thanks.

'Course, watch. I'll think I understood, and it'll be something else entirely. :D

It's a balance. Trying to find the balance is hard enough, but the fact that we both keep changing (with or without recovery issues, people change all the time) means that the balancing point will keep changing, too.

Not sure this is any kind of help to you, but if it's any consolation, it did help me to write it. :p I have heard those very words, "not like I have a choice" before, and they hurt me, too. I hope things will be better between you two as you find (and find, and find,...) your balancing point.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Sounds like my house.

I think she's torn and feels guilty, part of her not really wanting to spend the money, and part of her wants what's best for you. She'll also be saying to herself, "You get karate, what do I get?" And no, trust me, a happy husband is NOT the answer that will work.

Another thing, and this is really hard to do, but don't use sarcasm when you're arguing, just try to be honest. Perhaps you feel a little guilty for spending the money too.

I tell you man, sounds like my house. You spying on me?
 
It occurs to me that there are a number of advantages in having Karate as a hobby in particular and having any hobby in general.

A hobby can be a way to take a much needed time-out. It is too emotionally exhausting to be constantly aware of the SA and the stuff it has left me to deal with. Its okay to escape sometimes if I can.

A physical hobby can release endorphins which feel good. Its okay to feel good. I think it actually enhances the work I do with my Therapist. It gives me a sort of jump-start in terms of emotionial energy.

I lift weights and walk. I took Tai Chi classes for a while which, for me, is not only physical but also meditative. It goes hand in hand with my Zen practice.

Accomplishing something while taking part in a hobby feels good.

A hobby is postive activity. Its doing something good for myself.

Another hobby of mine, painting and collage-making, has been not only a time-out for me, but also turned out to be a way of bringing out suppressed feelings, a way of experiencing feelings having to do with the SA instead of just thinking about them--an important step in my therapy.

Its a relief to be absorbed in it but it is also becoming something more than a hobby as I am selling stuff. I'm teaching classes, helping others develop their 'artistic' creativity. Its all very satisfying.

I garden. I've noticed that what I like most about gardening is that I am acting in the present moment when I am doing it, not dwelling within thoughts of the past or anticipating the future. That's a relief also and, for me, a life-affirming thing.

Yes, hobbies are an escape in some ways but I am comfortable with that. I know that's a good thing, and my therapist agrees.
 
Hobbies do NOT mean running away. I think that is narrowminded view of it. 'Normal' people who never suffered abuse have hobbies also. What are they running away from?

You have chosen a hobby that is good for physical activity, for building strength, balance and confidence in your ability to protect yourself, and also her. I think it is much smarter and more productive choice then 'drinking beer and mast*****ing in front of computer'. I also think of a hobby as something you work at, to improve at. I don't think that is quite the right way to view your previous activities.

I think sometime, couples need to agree to disagree on things, and let them be, not go back at them.

Leosha
 
M.O.P.
Do the karate !

Hobbies can mean so much more to people like us than people realise.
We meet other people under 'normal' circumstances, we gain self-esteem and confidence through meetine others and the process of learning.
It also give us a break, we don't need to be thinking about our abuse 24/7. That would just destroy us.

Some of the guys have raised some good points though, try not to inflame the situation by responding with sarcasm. ( and I know how hard that one is ! ) Instead try to encourage her to join you ? My wife stayed at home for years while I went off-roading, but now she joins in and although she doesn't drive, or passenger during competitions, she has made some great friends and enjoys the countryside.


Joe also raised a good point - people change.
You most certainly will change, the very effort of getting this far in your recovery will have changed you. A few years down the line and the change will most likely be dramatic because the best way to heal is to learn about ourselves.
But if the people around you don't change then it's possible that they wont be on the same 'wavelength' as you any more and what attracted you to them in the first place might not seem so attractive now.
Ideally we need our partners, family and friends to keep up with us, but that wont always happen.
I'm not implying that we become 'better' that them, we just change.
I have a few new friends now, and some old friends I no longer see as much. I still like them and we haven't fallen out, but we seem to have less in common than we once did.

I was lucky because my wife was very involved with my recovery, and still is. So we've both changed.
That was her choice however, and I don't know if I could have made her involved if she didn't want to be. I doubt it somehow.
But you must try and engage her in what you are doing, whether it's your recovery or a hobby. The last thing we need is someone acting against us.

Dave
 
This is a great topic, and I can only speak from my own experience.

I have many, many hobbies that are both rewarding and also used as an escape. It depends on my motivations and the circumstances leading up to me working long hours focusing on a particular project. If something has upset me before I start a project, then I'm usually involved with the hobby to avoid having feelings. However, sometimes I just feel very creative and do a hobby that makes me feel better about myself and doesn't involve me trying to forget about my feelings.

There's a third option which combines both excessiveness and self-esteem building. This usually involves me performing my hobby in a vivid fantasy world that I am creating or doing something so monumental and stupendous that the world is going to bow to His Majesty and award me the Big Prize for being so creative. So in this regard, I'm buried in my hobby and my fantasy as a way to avoid having feelings, but I'm enjoying a feeling of gandiosity.

I think the karate can be very, very helpful and useful as a hobby. I can see where one could focus one's mindset in a very positive direction. And I can see where too much focus can leave one neglecting today. Where's the boundary? Well, that's where you have full control. As my T tells me, "It's a choice."

Personally, I don't think it was terribly fair for you to be told that your hobby meant that you were automatically running away. I am fortunate that my partner accepts that sometimes I hobby to avoid my feelings and sometimes I hobby because I'm creative. He allows me to find the balance and I appreciate that.

I wish you balance in your life.

Best,
Scotty
 
My hobby is model railroading, which as I stated in another thread is in my basement in the form of a 11' x 29' layout. What I enjoy so much about the hobby is the ability to create a world I can control. I know that may sound like a means of escapism, and in a way, I'm sure it is.

I like having something that I have absolute, complete control over. The trains move when I say they move. They stop when I say they stop. There are no bad things happening on my layout, no car wrecks, no police, etc. Basically, it's Pleasantville, where everything happens like it's supposed to.
 
Dear MOP:

May I add my two cents? Karate can be a great hobby. It is personally empowering and, as you stated, a confidence booster. These things are very important to a recovering survivor. How can that be an "escape"/bad thing?

Ask yourself, is it really about the money? About time spent away from home? About using this new hobby to replace something else you need to do be doing instead?

Anyways - an escapist activity in and of itself isn't necessarily bad, such as watching a good action/adventure or sci-fi flick. At least with karate you will be getting exercise and learning a new skill...

J7
 
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