Hit a mental block

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Hit a mental block
M

mh

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Ok, I need some help. I've been trying to remember. I can remember what happened. I can sit down and write in my journal. I had it read back to me out loud. I can't feel it though. I see it all as through a third person. I know I was scared, ashamed, confused. I can't get to the feelings I had at the time though. How do you get in touch with the child that was there at the time? It just seems so cold and removed still. The more I think about it, the harder it is to get back to the time. I took a break and spent a weekend with some old friends in the country. Drank too much, went muddin', shot clays, even tought a friends wife to shoot. Thought I had cleared my head a little. I remember being happy in school and getting along before, and I remember getting in a lot of trouble after. Wife says I'm still subconsiously suppressing the feelings. I want them out. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks,
mh
 
MH the little guy inside you is still terrified of trusting if he is like my little mikey was. And the adult me could be a raging lunatic and drunk who often went in search of acting out. As well the adult me had created many me's. I was what anybody wanted me to be. I lied. I drove people away from me. I got into fights. And all this time little Mikey was living inside me and experiencing all this. At least I think he was. No damned wonder he did not want to come out.

Looking back on it I am surprised he ever did.

What I did was work on my issues for the adult me that brought me closer to the teenager inside.

I think now we are one. Not always but most of the time.
I dont know if this helps or is confusing
 
Thanks for the input. I I'm not real sure how to go about all this. I know that I have cut people off from getting close for a long time. I'm trying to let people in. But feeling the pain and emotion, it's just not there. Have I been numb for so long I cant feel it anymore? I dont know. Maybe time will help. Perhaps I'm being impatient. I've been realy trying to open up. The emotions are foreign and hard to deal with. II have taught myself to be a machine, now I'm trying to undo all of that. My brain just wont let go of the old system of dealing with things. I am expressing what I feel and think a lot more, is this the first step?
 
Is this the first step. You bet it is and it is a huge one. That and coming here. You are not alone any more and you do not have to be on automatic pilot like a robot.

Thank you for placing your trust in us. We will not let you down.
 
The first I remember of the feelings was sitting next to my wife, tears running down my face, telling her, "Nothing happened to me. Nothing happened to me. Nothing happened to me." When I realized what I was fighting, I turned around and headed in, but no feelings or memories would come.

The best therapist I ever had told me it's like surgery. The body can only handle so much pain. Then we have to back away, recuperate, and go back to surgery. It's still hard after 11 years of doing this. My brain says, "That hurts. Stay away from it." But every time I let go and let myself feel just a little bit, I get better. In fact, the longer I hold the feelings in, the more they leak out in ways that hurt me even more. Slowly, the shutting off has become more infrequent. If I ask, I can usually feel it.

I understand and relate to your difficulties. I try to listen to what my mind and my body are telling me. But it was a long and difficult struggle to get those little parts of me to trust enough to tell me their pain. And really, my mind knew what I could handle. If I had suddenly remembered every sordid detail and the immense pain of being used and tossed, it would have been too much for me. In an odd way, my brain is smarter than I am, if that makes any sense. :)

A little at a time. Hang in there.
 
mh, boy do you describe me in a nutshell. I'm third person all the way....but getting there. I wrote a post not to long ago about not being able to feel the pain that I know had to have been there. Do you see the fear in your little boys face? Do you see the resignation and the surrender when he realizes that there is nothing he can do about what is going to happen to him? Do you see the sadness in his face that is so far beyond crying...the total numbness?

I feel and have felt for a long time, that, if I could just get back there completely...if I could just feel the pain and the fear as it was...if I could just meet it head on and scream in pain and fear and remember how awful it was...then I could deal with it...recover from it. And so I try to do that, but end up the way you describe it...in the third person. Only I'm in the third and first person at the same time. I don't know how that happens exactly. It's happening to me and I'm watching it happen at the same time. That is so strange. And it all happens in this strange light...a light in the darkness some way...almost like those crazy nightsticks that the kids have.

Thanks for sharing that, mh. Every time someone describes something that you thought might be your very own, it adds validity to what you have experienced. I appreciate your being willing to share. Bobby
 
Thanks guys. The input is helping to keep me on track. This all seems pretty normal to the process. Time and someone who will listen will help. I am getting more confident that this will all work out. My wife is very understanding and will stop whatever she is doing to listen and talk. I have found that I am far more in tune with when she has a bad day and or is troubled, too. I've been getting out and seeing friends again. This has been a good experience so far. The process and remembering is painfull, but I think it has been worth it. The couple of weeks, even I have noticed a better mood. I am starting to want to confront the perp. but I think it will be a while before I can do that with out getting myself in jail. Right now I am very angry. I realize what was taken from me and what I have missed. He has cost me twenty years of happiness, and nearly a mariage to a wonderful person. You guys are the best. I realy do appreciate all your help and support. It has made a difference having someplace to ask questions and vent and ramble. I am starting to believe.
mh
 
The feelings will come eventually, maybe slowly at first, but that is just your sub-concious protecting you, it will only let what you can handle out, no more, just a defense mechanism that we needed and still need. I know you want to feel it, but you don't want to just open the floodgates and let it all inundate you at once, you probably wouldn't be able to handle that much, so just give it time. The more you work on things the more the feelings will come, just kick back and ride it out.

Peace,
Scott
 
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