His therapist says I "abused" him - pls. comment

[somehowresponsible]

I love my husband of 17 years very, very deeply. I have been a faithful and devoted wife. When I met him, having just turned 18, I had had previous sexual experiences, none of which had brought me any pleasure, and which I felt terrible about, though there had been multiple partners. My husband, at age 21, was a virgin, having saved himself for the woman he wanted to spend his life with - what an honor! Unfortunately, at my young and immature state, and not understanding bedroom ettiquette, I said a few unfortunate things during our very first encounter. I don't really remember this, but I do not doubt it. I was not the mature, sensitive person then that I am today. Anyway, what I said apparently traumatized him and caused him to forever feel sexually inadequate, like "half a man", and he says that he has always been fighting demons in our bed. He says that he has never been inside with me that he didn't feel the "others", and that he was always fighting those ghosts. When our son was born, he even wanted him born by c-section so that he would be "clean and pure", not having passed through that part of me which was so tainted. As of very recently, events happened (my "first" contacted him on the internet), which caused a very serious downward spiral for my husband, which has culminated in a sort of breakdown. He is seeking therapy. His doctor has told him that what I "did" to him, traumatizing him at a very tender and special moment in his life, was a kind of sexual abuse!!! Imagine my horror! He claims that through the years I tried to control his sexuality (in my youth, I was very insecure) by not wanting him to have girlie magazines or to look at porn site on the web. These days, now that I am mature and more confident, these little things do not bother me. But, I ijnadvertantly hurt him this way, too. I understand that my actions are not relavant, but that his emotional reaction to them is. I am, of course, struggling to reconcile my own distress about it all. My husband is a fantastic lover, and not at all anything resembling "half a man". He was the only man who ever gave me pleasure, but he doesn't believe me. I am so very sad about this all, and would appreciate any comments you have, whether good or negative. My husband is a wonderful man> i would not have stayed with him for 17 years otherwise. Thanks...

 

[Grace]

This is only my opinion by the way--

I don't believe you caused your husband to feel the way he does by anything you have said or done (even in your past). He made the decision to marry you knowing your past and should have accepted that. It appears he is dealing with some beliefs that are harming the relationship.

Since you weren't there and don't know exactly what transpired between him and the therapist, I wouldn't take what your husband said to heart. I can't imagine a therapist telling anyone that. It appears your husband is trying to deal with his own demons for which you are not responsible for!!

Perhaps its time to get your own therapist and start caring and feeling better about yourself. Good luck!

 

[Shelby]

I agree with Grace...
I can't imagine a therapist telling him that, based on what you have said. In my opinion he is abusing you by using your past (before the two of you met) against you as a control thing, not good. If he is still holding on to this after 17 years, he has some major problems and sounds to me like he needs to grow up and accept your past as you probably accept his faults, and if he says he has none, then you really have an egotistical control factor to deal with. This isn't the dark ages and if he had only been interested in a virgin, why did he stick around all these years? You need to get your own therapist and get your self esteem back, I can't imagine going through what you've obviously gone through for 17 years, you must really love him.

 

[somehowresponsible]

I know, it sounds like I am the victim of an egotistical monster, but he is genuinely, deeply damaged by all of this. I know that inherently the things I did and said weren't so bad, especially considering my age, but they had a very profound negative impact on him. His therapist says that all of his bad behavior towards me (he is almost always a very nice man, but there are really terrible moments), is completely consistent with "sexual abuse". And, after hearing the story, she believes I was the cause. This is really, really hard for me to handle. Apparently, I "compared" his size to others the first time (he is large, nearly 7 inches,I don't know why I would have said otherwise) and that I said another really inappropriate thing. I might as well spill my guts here as long as I started. I asked him "does it feel tight, because George liked it because it was tight" Now, I ask you, how insensitive is that? How cruel is that, when it is a very gentle, loving, kind young man's first experience? I didn't mean it to be bad. Again, I recognize it as youthful ignorance of bedroom etiquette. But, it was wrong. I just feel awful. See, now that you know a little more, maybe you can see why he was "traumatized". But, sexual abuse????? I don't really see that. I have an appointment with a therapist on Wednesday to help me through this. My husband is really in a low, low place right now, and his doctor is going to get him on some antidepressants. If any of you have any questions about this, let me know. I am trying to portray this as clearly as possible without being vulgar or wishy washy or offensive in any way. I just need the input and/or questions of impartial people like you. Thank you so much for your responses.

 

[Grace]

You may have been guilty of bad judgment but sexual abuse? I don't think so! Your husband could have walked away and if he was that upset by it, he should have talked to you then and there about your comments. That is what healthy people do! They don't suck it in and turn it against the person who said it! That is dysfunctional. Your husband had problems along time before you came along; they way he dealt with you in instance proves it. Now what happened to him in his past to make this so traumatic for him is anybodys guess; maybe he was abused as a child and he is hurt inside from that. But his reactions to your comments were over the top and not in the normal range. He could have walked away then! If being with a virgin was so important to him, then he shouldn't have had a relationship with you. He made that decision, not you.

Its awesome that you are going to a therapist; you need a professional on your side to let you know that his reactions are your fault. Good luck!