Hidden Memories are Real

[Grunty1967b]

I want to tell a part of my story the part where my abuse was hidden deep in my mind until something awakened it.

I write this because I KNOW there is such a thing as repressed memories or buried memories I had them and they leaped in to life one day. Ive seen numerous articles regarding abuse and Ive seen defence lawyers for perps trying to slander the abused people and call them pretenders and liers. Ive read many posts here in MS about court cases and I also seem to recall some people touching on the memory issue. So, if you have had (or think you have) repressed memories, then I believe you.

Triggers may follow:
I knew as a child that my upbringing was not happy, that I was a recluse, very quiet and withdrawn, friends with lots of girls but not boys, and I know that I had suicidal thoughts as I got into my teen years. I knew there was severe dysfunction in my immediate family (not that I called it that back then) but I just put it all down to thats the way (my life) is.

I was watching a TV show one night in my bedroom (isolated by myself, as was my habit) and one of my favourite shows at the time came on, 21 Jump Street. Anyone remember that one? Anyway, I cant recall the episode specifically, but I think it dealt with a rape case of a young girl. Yeah, yeah my head said, another broken law case, although it was based on a not-so-nice story line.

I watched until the end and then an announcement came up on the screen. It said that if you have been sexually abused then help is available and you could call a number. I felt like I just got run over by a truck. I started crying uncontrollably as the realisation dawned on me that I had been sexually abused.

It took a few seconds for my brain to work out what was going on. I remember thinking, why am I feeling this way, and why have I now just had this realisation?. I just finished watching a TV show, I havent just been abused. But something set off a trigger in my mind, and all of my repressed childhood memories of abuse came flooding to the surface.

I now know that its very natural for a child to block out such painful events. They dont understand them and they dont know how to process the feelings of what has happened to them. So here I am, a young guy of 19, instantly, and I mean INSTANTLY, feeling the full emotion of what just happened to me. I put it that way, because for me it was like it just happened. Except now Im a grown adult with the full understanding and the full emotions that are associated with sexual abuse.

My world was shattered. If any of you have ever spoken to someone who has just been raped that was me and that was where I was at emotionally. I called the number on the screen but the person I spoke to just listened, pretty much said nothing, and when I asked for help they pretty much said there, there, it will be ok. I needed help and was asking for help and all I got was a I hear you. I dont hold resentment for that person I guess they were doing the best they could. Why else would they be taking calls like that if they didnt want to help? They just didnt help me, thats all.

Fortunately, I was able to find contact details for a sexual assault crisis centre, and I got to see them and work with a counsellor. That got me through my initial few weeks, but of course, many years later, Im here now because Ive found theres just a few things to work through.

So, if your memory has been reawakened, know that its real, and so are your feelings and how you feel about all this.

 

[Lloydy]

Grunty
the whole 'recovered memory' issue is one that even the best psychologists in the world can't agree about.

The people who say it can't happen often point to bad counsellors and therapists who actually 'lead' their clients, either unwittingly or because they wrongly believe the clients issues must come from CSA.
That happens, but thankfully rarely, although it does provide a lot of ammunition for the non believers.

Then there's people like yourself who suffered trauma at an early age, and then did everything you possibly could to 'forget' it.
But I don't think we can force ourselves to forget, however hard we try.
But I think we can smother the memory in such a way that it has effectively gone - until something triggers us and the memory comes flooding back.

That's going to be painful and hard to manage, but with the right therapist it is controlable. A good therapist will create a safe environment to release memories.

I used to say to my T that he had "a sharp pointed stick to poke me with" - that's what it was like for me, he'd know exactly how to make me trigger myself and release the memories. He also knew when to put the pointy stick down, and how to help me process the new memories.

Dave

 

[Lloydy]

Here's a link to the excellent Jim Hopper site and loads of info' on recovered memories.

https://www.jimhopper.com/memory/

 

[ForeverFighting]

I remember when it hit me. My sister brought up that it happened to her. And my brain went numb. I got home, and I remember sitting on my wife's lap, rocking back and forth, crying uncontrollably saying over and over, "nothing happened to me, nothing happened to me, nothing happened to me." My wife must have thought I'd lost my mind. I knew I was depressed, even having death thoughts, I knew I had hit a wall in my life where it didn't feel like I could handle the simplest things, but it wasn't until that day that what I had told myself for so long started to erode away. Then came the flashbacks. The hair, the smell, the choking, the body memories.

I believe that if the abuse happens when we're very young, the mind isn't even equipped to record the event. There's no video camera in my head. What it did record were the feelings, the responses, the "schemas" or ideas about men who look and act certain ways, and the odd details the little boy had learned to focus on when bad things happened. Little boys up to a certain age aren't even sure what's real and what's not. A dream may seem real, pretend seems real, and if something bizarre like SA happens that doesn't fit into any framework we know, it may seem like pretend or a dream. I believed I could fly like Superman if I really tried or become invisible if I held really still. My nephew believed that he could run faster if he wore his "go-faster shoes".

We did the best we could under incomprehensible circumstances. I don't think the memories were gone. I think they were just the memories of a little boy who didn't understand what was happening, memories that had not yet been processed from an adult's point of view.

 

[Lloydy]

My nephew believed that he could run faster if he wore his "go-faster shoes".

That's the innocence of childhood, we believed.

Dave