Hi everyone, I am new here and am involved with a man who was sexually abused and physically tortured from the age of 5 years old until the age of 17 by his biological mother.
He has never told the details to anyone but me and he has never had any form of councelling.
My initial reactions can only be described as affimation to what I already had a hunch about.
My SO (significant other) is a talented song writer, musician, prize winning journalist and creative artist. The songs he writes are his way of "leaking the information" and that is how I started to build a synopsis of what may have happened but I was in the dark and did not directly ask about any of it until the moment felt right, and safe for him.
We have known each other for 9 years - 2 of which we have been SO's.
He has PTSD episodes where he becomes acutely insecure. Not just about our relationship but ALL relationships at the same time. He went through an episode yesterday and is still recovering from it this morning - starting to come out of his gloom. Although, since he came out and told me the truth about his abuse - (every single minute detail) two years ago - he has not had an actual full fledged panic attack - which he suffered from since the age of 18 - the year he was able to go away to college and get out from under the control of his mother.
My first reaction to the actual details were understanding and empathy. I made absolutely sure that I chose all of my words carefully because I knew that if I couldn't remain calm and try to understand his unique perspective as a victim - I would enevitably push him back into the secret shell.
He over a period of 9 months slowly began to express what happened - not because he didn't want to talk about it but because he knew it would be very difficult for anyone to understand that his mother was the abuser.
After we had those conversations and the final conversation of the actual acts that he was subjected to were told, I became enraged with anger toward his mother (secretly of course - I did not want to let him know that I was not strong enough to handle his truth)coupled with his ambivilant feelings - because after all she is his mother - the one who loves unconditionally or who is suppose to.
You see he becomes protective at times if she is attacked by me for what she did.
He oscillates between hate and pedestal love for her. And he is aware of it - we just continue to work through his feelings at all times.
After the initial reaction - (and I was never shocked at all - I think because I am acutely aware of the good and bad motivations of all people) I felt honored almost spritually so, that he had the trust and strength to open up to me. He is so much stronger than he will ever acknowledge about himself and I love him for that.
AT times since the final coming out conversations - I have felt worried that their may come a time that I won't have an answer for him - when he is questioning his current exsistence. But I do my best and continue to watch him grow - AT HIS OWN PACE - and have promised myself and GOD that if we hit a wall that is too thick I will start to encourage professional councelling. But, for the most part - he is doing an extremely good job of dealing with the changing awareness of his abuse and how he is affected in the simplist day to day life - which he had been in denial about for years. He is growing and I am grateful to be a part of it - his capacity to love is gigantic and i believe that is why he was so deeply scarred by the abuse.
He happens to be one of the most intelligent, passionate, original and loving people I have ever met, and i tell him this every day.
If you are involved with an abuse survivor - NEVER STOP acknowledging their strengths and their uniqueness and their worth.
This is what has built a bridge for he and I and it allows his soul - whether in denial or not - to eventually believe the truth which is that he didn't somehow deserve the abuse.
Some day he ( and all AS ) will find peace and acceptance inside of themselves.
Thanks for listening !!
Holly
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