Hi-Relationships question

Hi-Relationships question
S

sadanddown

Registrant
I was molested by my female babysitter several times when I was around the age of 5. I do not remember a lot of details, although I do remember a few tiny ones every once and a while if I actually think about it. I don't talk about this with anyone, only 2 of my best friends know about it, and it took me ages to tell them. Right now I am 21, and for the most part I don't even think about what happened. Something brought it back up though the other day when one of my buddies was joking around with me on how I never have any girlfriends, or pick up any girls from the bar when we go.

I have noticed that I have always had a hard time with relationships with women. It takes me a very long time before I actually get to the point of trusting a woman, and if women are interested in me sexually and not from a friendship point, I have noticed that I always end up sabotaging the relationship.

I sort of just need a place to vent because I have been very frustrated about this lately because I feel like I'm always bringing myself down. I don't know if this is due to my past or if it is something I'm making up in my head to make up an excuse for myself. What am I supposed to say to some of my friends that give me crap about never having a girlfriend either??? I'm at a total loss...I don't know if I'm trying to blame something that happened to me 15 years ago or if it is something else. Thanks
 
I do not know what should I tell you expect that I am feeling deep sorry for you and your troubles.
I wish that you never had need to find this site.

You see, your friends hardly can imagine what exactly and how strongly bother you in relation to your abuse issues.
It is less important how much do you remember and how long ago it happened. In most of the cases these memories are not complete. Human brain is storing and processing on total different way traumatic information from all other "normal" memories. So it is irrelevant do you remember or not.
Problems that you sensed to have are the most relevant.

Unfortunately, consequences of SA are extremely complex and deep and on the other hand we are trying to make these problems much lesser than they are.

Good thing in all this crap is that people from this site would always understand you and be here to support you.

Take care,
Ivo
 
Sad: It may seem trivial to you; the SA but it was a uge thing for you. Your trust was betrayed by someone who was responsible for you. Please do not minimalize it. It has affected you in many ways. The manifestation of it is your difficulty with women your age. Of course you have trouble. It was a woman who broke your trust abd sexualized you at too early an age.

MaleSurvivor is a place where you are free to express yourself and seek the comfort of knowing you are not alone and are not different; just wounded. I think it would be wise if you would also consider seeing a therapist about this. Therapy helps you actually get to all the other stuff that is buried and influences you in many unkown ways.

You are definitely not alone. And remember that you should feel no guilt or consider that any of it was your fault. IT was her shame and guilt

Welcome to MaleSurvivor.
 
Thanks a lot for responding. Its really hard to explain how I feel...but something that does the job really well is the movie Antwone Fisher. I wasn't ever beaten or anything like that that I can recall, and his abuse seems much worse than what I ever went through. But there is one scene where he is out at the bars with his friends and gets in a fight with one of them because they call him gay or something like that. That is how I felt last weekend with one of my friends. I didn't throw any punches, but I was close...someone decided to drive me home instead.

Its kind of weird, but antwone fisher in the movie almost describes how I feel exactly.

I guess I should think about therapy, but its not something that I'm all that comfortable talking about, especially with a complete stranger.
 
Sad,

Welcome to MS - I know that you will find the understanding that you are looking for here

The fact that you do not remember every detail of what happened with the babysitter does not lessen the fact that it never should of happened

You will find that many of us here who have been abused have a lot of relationship issues (myself included - hav'nt been out on a date in over 7 years) - it is very normal considering what we've been through - I also agree that finding a therapist to talk with about relationship issues (and other issues that will pop up over time) can be very beneficial - yes, it is scary at first - but it does get easier to talk about with time and repetition

Antwone Fisher is a movie that really brought a lot back to the surface for me - my life parallels the story in many, many ways (the physical, the mental, and the sexual) - I even use a line from his poem in my closeing signature...(my endureing tribute to that little boy that was)

I am glad that you were able to leave the bar without starting a fight - try not to let those people get to you - they simply don't understand what you are going through - you don't have to tell or explain anything to them...

Take care,

TJ jeff
 
Dear Sad,

Like others hear, I am so sorry you had to find us, but you are most welcome.

Given the fact that you were molested by a female, I don't think it unusual that you would have a hard time getting to the point of trusting women.

You were abused. That's the long and short of it. And it messes with our minds for years!

It is NOT in your head. At least, not in the way you think. It is very normal to feel this way given what happened.

Vent away. We all do that here. Just know that you are with people who understand you, finally.

And give yourself a break, OK? YOU were NOT at fault! She was!

Peace,

Marc
 
Thanks for the words everyone, although it is discomforting to hear that this has happened to others, it is almost nice to know that I'm not alone.

I'm studying psychology...and one of the classes that I'm taking is Abnormal Psychology. We haven't really gotten to the part about sexual abuse of children yet, but I was reading it and its scary how much of this is true to my own life. The other weird part is that I would tell someone in my case to go get some help from a psychologist...but I can't even seek it myself. Maybe this board will help me out, it already has.

One of the reasons I'm interested in psychology is to help people with problems...but now that I look closer I've been neglecting my own. I've read some things people say about substance abuse etc...for a good couple years I had been drinking a lot. I had a mental breakdown when drinking and have learned to control it for the most part.

Some things I have become more enlightened to is how I don't like to be touched by people. People around me have noticed it and said things offhandedly but it is making a lot more sense now. I am thinking that this might be due to my experiences when I was younger. Little things like that, that I have noticed but never really put any thought towards are starting to come together now. Reading some of the effects that it can have on people in the book and online that I've read, it is almost dead-on to what I have been feeling but have been supressing. I don't know if its normal to supress those feelings or not. I can also understand why I have never really gotten along well with my sister. She doesn't know what happened to me, and I remember my sister loved that babysitter but I always dreaded when she was going to come over. Every once and a while when my family is talking about past things she comes up and I just don't say anything even though I really want to.

I have tried very hard all of my life to fight it and act like it didn't even happen. It just seems weird to me because it was with a female and all. I don't quite know how I should feel about it or deal with it. The weirdest part of it for me is that I want a girl that I can talk to about it.

There are so many different things that I'm now feeling and starting to realize. And I don't have the slightest on how to express them, or even if I should. I don't know who I could trust to just talk about some of these things, and even if I could talk to them, what I would say. I have very good friends and all, but I almost feel dumb talking with them about it. I haven't even told anyone in person before because I don't have the guts to. I've only told them over IM, then when I see them the next day I feel very weird that I told them.

I don't understand why I can't just get over it, I don't understand why it is so hard to deal with.
 
Oh, my friend. I am sorry for what happened to you (and to all of us here). I've been coming to this board for the past couple of weeks and still I am always amazed to read other people's stories and to see how the effects of the abuse in our lives are so similar. The good side of it is that we can find support in one another here and finally understand that we are not crazy, or weird, and that we are not alone.

The road of recovery is a long one, it seems, but it is a path that we CAN take. THERE IS HOPE! It is not easy, unfortunately, but I truly believe that if we work on the issues caused by the abuse we will get better, we will get well, we will have better control over our lives and we will find the hapiness and peace of mind that we seek.

Raphael
 
Hey Sadanddown,

I know how you feel...especially as another student (I'm in grad school right now), it's been a tough ride. you wonder why it is is that you're going through your issues while your fellow friends are going along their lives without a care in the world. Still, I've learnd over the years (it's funny to hear me say this, as it was only a few years ago that I even came to terms with my abuse on here), I know that you are not alone. There's so many of us out there--so MANY. Guys and girls who've been abused as children. You'd be shocked.

I don't know if that will mean much to you, but it did to me, to realize that I can and will survive this. I don't think you need to rush into anything, but if you can, try to get to a psychologist at some point (not now, but maybe later). Trust me, I was never a big fan of psychologists, but I know now how helpful they truly can be (and since you're still in school, you likely have a school psychologist you can see for free). Indeed, to be honest, I don't think my abuse is that much of an issue any more--really.

I still have my own issues (which I've separated from abuse stuff), but I'm doing 1,000 times better. Anyway, just wanted to say welcome and congrats on finding the courage to deal with this (you're on your way). Remember, never give up and just keep on going--it's not always going to be easy, but you'll get through it (remember, success isn't never falling but getting up everytime you do).
 
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