Hi mattandrew
Hi mattandrew,
It pains me to see how much pain you are in right now. It seems like you've been blown out of the water. I have been there/ done that/ expect I'll do it again sometime. Bob is not our perpetrator he is our fellow survivor, and I cry for all of our pains. Reading your post tells me how raw you must be feeling right now. Is it feeling difficult to contain yourself right now?
I would be very overwhelmed to be dealing with all that you have to deal with. I have a disease process that is squeezing out my spinal chord called spinal stenosis. surgery offers little hope. Eventually I expect to be in a wheelchair and that ain't even the worst of it. I believe I carried my moltent rage in my back/spine all of my life. I believe in Alice Miller's words, "...and your body will present its bill." I consider this disease process as an indirect consequence of my childhood traumas. I believe I mentioned to you before when you were going into surgery that I was a diabetic also and that hearing the diagnosis triggered me. My body was failing me here again as an adult like it did when I got an erection as the result of abuse as a child. ( I feel like screaming here.)
When I'm critical of others, I'm usually immensely self critical. Please be gentle with yourself. I use that as my signature because I have come to know as a survivor mistreating ourselves is a core difficulty we consistantly all have.
I don't see Bob in a position of authority over you or any one of us. He is not our therapist, He just makes sure that we are "keeping it clean" here on this page and offers his support in our recovery. When I sponsored a 12-step group for incest survivors, all that meant was that I had the key to the door of the room that allowed us to all meet. I also carried the guide/rule book. I had to be aware of the fact we were all co-survivors and the group belonged to all of us. No one was in charge of the group, and there was no T. I kind of see things that way here. No one has magic pills/answers/cures. No one can give advice but if telling part of my story is helpful to someone then so be it. I give it gladly. Take whatever part you like and use it and leave the rest. Advice giving, if unsolicited, can be percieved as a boundary violation.
The more I struggled with doing recovery work, the better I became at it. I can now see my early clumsy raw attempts at recovery as precious beauty in an epic struggle. I hope you can see that soon for yourself mattandrew. You are me. Bless yoe for sharing your struggle with all of us
------RJD
It pains me to see how much pain you are in right now. It seems like you've been blown out of the water. I have been there/ done that/ expect I'll do it again sometime. Bob is not our perpetrator he is our fellow survivor, and I cry for all of our pains. Reading your post tells me how raw you must be feeling right now. Is it feeling difficult to contain yourself right now?
I would be very overwhelmed to be dealing with all that you have to deal with. I have a disease process that is squeezing out my spinal chord called spinal stenosis. surgery offers little hope. Eventually I expect to be in a wheelchair and that ain't even the worst of it. I believe I carried my moltent rage in my back/spine all of my life. I believe in Alice Miller's words, "...and your body will present its bill." I consider this disease process as an indirect consequence of my childhood traumas. I believe I mentioned to you before when you were going into surgery that I was a diabetic also and that hearing the diagnosis triggered me. My body was failing me here again as an adult like it did when I got an erection as the result of abuse as a child. ( I feel like screaming here.)
When I'm critical of others, I'm usually immensely self critical. Please be gentle with yourself. I use that as my signature because I have come to know as a survivor mistreating ourselves is a core difficulty we consistantly all have.
I don't see Bob in a position of authority over you or any one of us. He is not our therapist, He just makes sure that we are "keeping it clean" here on this page and offers his support in our recovery. When I sponsored a 12-step group for incest survivors, all that meant was that I had the key to the door of the room that allowed us to all meet. I also carried the guide/rule book. I had to be aware of the fact we were all co-survivors and the group belonged to all of us. No one was in charge of the group, and there was no T. I kind of see things that way here. No one has magic pills/answers/cures. No one can give advice but if telling part of my story is helpful to someone then so be it. I give it gladly. Take whatever part you like and use it and leave the rest. Advice giving, if unsolicited, can be percieved as a boundary violation.
The more I struggled with doing recovery work, the better I became at it. I can now see my early clumsy raw attempts at recovery as precious beauty in an epic struggle. I hope you can see that soon for yourself mattandrew. You are me. Bless yoe for sharing your struggle with all of us
------RJD